5.29.2009

From the "Holy Fucking Shit" Files

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you this thing:



Behold: The Silver God

I am grateful and disturbed that someone actually had the foresight during the 70's, 80's, or 90's to take a picture of Knoxville's most horrifying shitter this side of Neyland Stadium. This...thing, resided in the gentlemen's lavatory at the now defunct The Last Lap. We've blogged on the nostalgic bygones from Cumberland Avenue's glory days, but this majestic piece of photography brings a smile to my face and a powerful desire to drink leaded Budweiser.

Sometimes less is more, and I don't feel my standard need to be garrulous here. Those of us that remember this seemingly indestructible piece of Knoxville history really do not need my bullshit perspective to reminisce.

Let's just say that it doesn't matter if the film was in color or black and white, the powerful energies emanating from The Silver God would have made it look as it did during my foggiest memories. Secondly, the amount of piss in the bowl was always less than the urine puddled in the corner, which is not surprising when you consider that just off camera to the left is the trough which made for uncomfortably close quarters(think U-Boats).

I can remember only one time ever seeing anyone sit on the damn thing. I presume that person is deceased now. Fucking bacteria and voodoo have seen to that.

5.27.2009

Ok, I Get It

There’s a stencilled image plastered all over downtown that rivals the number of Travis Henry's offspring.

Who the hell is this broad?




After seeing this image so damn much I can’t help but notice it constantly. For months now this thing has lurked around the next street corner to the point where I think it’s stalking me. From Market Sq. to the Old City I see it everywhere and I'm more than a little tired of it.



Is it legit graffiti if you use a stencil, and is this a person I'm supposed to know? Doubtful on both, but you can't lock her up in a cage...








...she always escapes:












Trust me, there are plenty more of these images all over downtown. Lucky for you my camera batteries ran out when I was taking these.



5.26.2009

Do tell

Well, another long weekend in the books.

--Knoxville still standing? Yep.


--No warrants taken? We're cool.


--No pending hospitalization? Check.


--No strange tattoos. Okay.


--No Eastern European or South Asian bride? None.


Whew. Bring summer the fuck on.

5.21.2009

Checklist

Another wonderful holiday weekend is here and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’m looking forward to a 3 day weekend of pure nothingness – except drinking and eating. And maybe some social interaction but I’m debating that part. Anyway I thought it would be selfish not to share my top secret holiday planning list with everyone. Adjust yours accordingly.


Beer, Booze, & Wine, then Water, Soft Drinks, Mixers, Mace, Grill, Charcoal/Gas, Meats, Dirty Yellow Man, Marinade/Seasonings, Guile, Snacks, Chips, Dips, Sides/Veggies, Cups, Plates, Napkins, Crabs, Silverware, Rumors/Half-truths, Bug Spray, Music, Games, Posca, Sports, Rabbit Ears, Boating/Swimming Pool, Kitty Kaga, Frozen Drinks, Friends/Family, Sharpie, Aspirin, Buns, Ladies Tampuns, Sunglasses, Comfortable Shoes, Cash Money, Lighter, Lounge Chair, Towels, Double Shots, Sunscreen, Wisecracks, Tennis Racquet, Balls, Grocer, Frisbee®, Jibbry Style Oinkery.


And ice.

5.20.2009

Algonquin Round Table Mk V

Okay, fine. I get it. Thus far my attempts at sensible and reasoned discussion have met with failure, scorn, and threats of bodily harm. I don't know what I was expecting, what with the lowbrow and indeed, somewhat criminal mindsets of my past panelists. What does yours truly have in mind to correct this mess? Not a damn thing. Let's get started with this installment:

First panelist, you are up. I present to you all Lord Percy Lambourn...soused noble and gentlemen.LVL: Ah, Lord Lambourn I see you are with the admiral and Lady Lambourn.

Lord Lambourn: Er...ah...indeed. I really didn't expect her here today you know. She rarely takes to these events, but when she does she does. Hedge pissers and matters of "etti-quette" are more her fancy.

LVL: Her dessicated cleavage is certainly pronounced. I think I'll have some of that rum if you don't mind. Do all genteel ladies of your period have their goods out there all the time?

LL: Er...ah...yes, or rather no. Usually I am too far in my cups to notice her...er..ah...cups.

LVL: That's all rather confusing, sir. Next panelist also hails from the bygone days of Britannia: Post-Captain Jack Aubrey, MP, of HMS Surprise. Greetings Captain.

Captain Jack Aubrey: Well met sir, although I am curious why you would question me on matters of ship's rum and grog, rather than...oh, hold fast there! A Frenchman!

(fires pistol)

LVL: Sweet Jesus that was loud.

CJA: Fie, that's nothing compared to the broadside of 18-pounders on a ship-of-the-line. Now sir, can we make this quick? I'll miss my tide and then have to run like smoke and oakum. You don't mind if we run our sheets? Prime.

LL: Are you a member of Parliament sir? I don't recall seeing you, but it's a trifle. Speaking of, I once had a rum trifle...zzzzz

LVL: Gentlemen, allow me to please complete introducing the remaining panel members and then we can discuss all things.

CJA: You mean rum, don't you?

LVL: Among other things. We're not restricted to that you know...it is the 21st century at Drinking Knoxville.

LL: I've never been to the Americas.

LVL: Actually you have. You were shit-faced the entire time. Do you not remember killing every living thing in the jungle with Dr. Gilpin? You consumed a rare poison and metabolized it in seconds.
LVL: Any of this ring a bell?

LL: zzzzz

LVL: I never knew British lords slept so much. Let's add one more Englishmen to the group today folks, but one more acquainted with boozing in the modern era...ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Motorhead's Lemmy:

Lemmy: Slag off. I'm just here for the drinks. I'll answer your piss-ant questions as soon as I get a fag from the cigarette machine.

LVL: Uh, not to contradict you Lemmy, but that's actually our last panel member...the Tycho Monolith from the groundbreaking novel 2001. Far as I know, it does not vend tobacco.

CJA: By Jove, what is that damn thing?

LL: zzzzzz

LM: So you're telling me I've got to get my own smokes? Bloody Hell what kind of chickenshit operation is this?

LVL: Well, our previous Round Tables have met with utter disaster. I thought we might want to bring in someone...er...something with a grander historical and celestial perspective on the subject.

LM: The fucking thing can't talk, you wanker. It's got no mouth. How can it drink?

LVL: I was drunk when I booked this installment.

CJA: You two blokes, help me run this carronade up so I can get a good shot at that Frog.


LVL: Captain, far be it from me to object to shooting up the French, but we did ask you to speak on the importance of alcohol in maintaining morale on a proper manowar.

CJA: Fine, for you landlubbers out there the Royal Navy has a fine tradition of rationing rum to able and ordinary seamen to keep morale high and maintain a fighting crew on the high seas. When a vessel of His Majesty leaves port, he cannot do so without barrel upon barrel of rum and grog. Tens of thousands of gallons are necessary to take a frigate halfway around the world. Apart from the necessary rationing to the men, without copious amounts of alcohol a fighting ship would soon fall apart. Hells bells sir, to say nothing of the medicinal needs we face. You try sawing off shattered limbs without opium and brandy. The entire basis of free trade on the high seas so essential to western society would not be possible with--all guns fire as she bears!


CJA: Take that Boney! Now where were we?

LVL: BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I CAN'T HEAR A GODDAMN THING. PERHAPS YOU COULD SPEAK ABOUT YOUR PRIVATE STORES. I'M TOLD THE CAPTAIN AND GUNROOM MAINTAINS A FINE TABLE.

CJA: Oh, that. Indeed. No captain worth his salt would dare leave port without his port! HA HA! Port, d'ya hear? My table is always set with a brisk claret or madeira. Observe:



LVL: Shots?!

CJA: You have it sir. No common grog with my officers. You've heard the term 'groggy' after all? It will suffice to keep scurvy at bay, but tastes like shit. Not the good shit either.

LM: To think that England of today owes its prosperity to thousands of shithoused sailors and their booze.

LVL: I see you've found some smokes, Lemmy.

LM: I took 'em off that passed out bloke right there.

LVL: Lord Lambourn, wake up sir. Can you add to Captain Aubrey's account of drunken English sea-power?

LL: Er...ah...I say, I've always been interested in the sea and what's in it. But Captain Aubrey is not the only one to encounter scoundrels in defense of mother England. Why only the other day I had to set this hardened rogue in her place:






LM: Looks like the little shit had it coming.

LVL: Um, do you have anything to add Tycho Monolith?



TM: (makes creepy noises)

LVL: Okay. Well...this is confusing. I didn't really think the Tycho Monolith's role through.

CJA: If someone would nudge his Lordship awake, I would really like to ask his opinion on my new heraldic device for my MP standards. And yours, future unwashed Englishman...



LM: What's the deal with the drunken sloth?

LVL: I was going to ask about the tortoise myself...but...er...ah, I'm being told the Tycho Monolith is now the Jovian Monolith. As if this day wasn't fucking weird enough.


LVL: Alright, Jovian Monolith, what far-reaching and universal truth can you give us?

JM:

LVL: Oh shit, not that fucking thirty minute acid trip bullshit again.

CJA: That doesn't address my question, at all.
LM: Looks like the light show from Hammersmith Odeon back in '84.
LL: (pukes)
LVL: Fuck this noise.

5.15.2009

You mean this isn't Memorial Day Weekend?

The good people at http://www.marriedtothesea.com/ have some excellent shit.

Damn. Another week till the summer becomes official in our tiny black hearts, if not on the calendar proper. We respect no conventional seasons here...as we often kick old man winter in the balls for the much more awesome Whiskey Season. Repeat readers here will know that we've had the Summer of Shunning, Fall of Intolerance and so forth.

To be frank, I've been under the weather this week and in my confused state this morning I panicked for a minute or two thinking that this weekend was the great American ceremony of getting shitfaced around a grill and preferably near water as well as Old Glory. Fortunately, we have another week to mull this honored holiday's schedule, so I would encourage all of you to do the same if you have yet to do so. Enjoy it folks, knock back a silly amount of cocktails and get out regardless of weather. It's your duty as a drunk. Come to think of it, that advice is sound for every day.

5.11.2009

Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss

Maker’s Mark will introduce their new head distiller Rob Samuels tonight at Downtown Grill & Brewery from 5 – 7 PM. Rob is the 8th generation of Samuels in the bourbon business and will take the reins from Bill Samuels Jr. The event is free to attend and an ongoing part of their Ambassador club which is also free to join. They treat their Ambassadors to year-round updates about their products and events including tastings, Kentucky Derby, and charity partnerships. Plus they send neat gifts during the holidays that you can actually use such as coasters, gift wrapping paper and one year they even gave a wax sealing kit. At least a couple of us drunks will be in attendance just to make sure we’re getting our fair share of bourbon (don’t want all you other lushes drinking our booze).

If this a consular ship, where is the ambassador?


Or something like that. Anyway, tonight at the Downtown Grill & Brewery...affectionately truncated simply as "The Brewery" the good folks at Maker's Mark will be holding a small event for their aficionados-known as Ambassadors, of which yours truly and other close friends of this blog are proud (and card-carrying) members. This is the third such event we have attended at DGB in recent years...acquiring the inside knowledge of Maker's Mark products, lore, and their fine staff and family. It runs tonight from 5PM to 7PM in the official sense, although any reasonable drunkard will conclude their boozing business much, much later. Drop on by if you are in the area, or you can fuck off to another watering hole where you get two for one Bud Lights or similar lightweight faggotry that is usually reserved for dipshits.

Update-The Pint House

Last August, we blogged a brief review of The Pint House in North Knoxville on Merchants Drive. Roughly 50% screed and 50% actual bar review, yours truly finished up the post by stating that the establishment needed to get its liquor license sorted if it wanted to scourge the corporate image that restrains watering holes in that part of town.

I'm happy to report that now they do indeed have their shit in order; hooch and wine flow freely. That's great news for them and drinkers everywhere that might find themselves needing to pull off Clinton Hwy for an eye-opener.

5.05.2009

RIP Captain Chaos



While more of a bon vivant than strict lush, we here at DK mourn the passing of Dom Deluise...the fat jolly tub of fun that certainly encouraged OUR drinking when he was on-screen. His role of Captain Chaos, his participation in Mel Brooks' movies were all gems.
















Speaking for yours truly, it was his pairing with Burt Reynolds that truly inspired a reckless desire to haul drunken ass (it was the 80's when it wasn't gauche) from Connecticut to California and back again in a tricked-out ambulance.
What do you say Captain Chaos? Are you ready to come back from the afterlife to join us?

UPDATE: Priceless. The outtakes from the Needham films encapsulates his genius better than the actual finished film.