Monday Hangover

Saturday Timeline:

9:00 am – awake after sleeping off Friday’s happy hour (4-10 pm)
10:00 am – get out of bed
11:00 am – go for a short run, must be productive today
11:20 am – return from run
11:30 am – notice full pitcher of beer in fridge from night before. Damn, can’t waste it so I start to drink the flat beer
12:00 – shower, eat, etc.
12:30 pm – finish pitcher, decide to have another beer a fresh beer
12:35 pm – talk to LVL on phone (cont. to drink)
2:30 pm – talk to TB on phone (cont. to drink)
3:15 pm – Tag arrives (we drink)
4:00 pm – LVL arrives (we all drink)
5:00 pm – Keg goes dry! Shit, at least there is backup of more beer, booze, wine
6:00 pm – We’re out of back up beer, open wine
6:30 pm – We’re out of wine, find whiskey
7:00 pm – Order Papa John’s special pie plus a 1-topping for backup
7:30 pm – Food arrives
8:00 pm – We’re out of pizza, finish whiskey
8:30 pm – Find unmentionable cordial, do shots, arrggh...

Haha! You suck!

So with the coming of Spring(and supposedly warmer weather) Knoxville, like many other cities, has a few marathons and charity type-runs to stand in stark contrast to the rest of the obese populace. It's not really my thing, but whatever. Enjoy the endorphins.

As many of you know by now, Mackey resides in close proximity to downtown and these events generally roll off his downtrodden back like fine port wine. Residents of downtown, the Fort et all were on hand for the run on Sunday but perhaps missed the chicanery on Saturday. There were little children all over the place! It was like a kid bomb exploded down there, with some events and music prior to their run/walk/nose-picking wanderlust. Their parents or guardians were trying like hell to herd them into the World's Fair Park and out of the damn water. After about three or four hours of that shit, you can really tell that most of the adults were ready for a stiff drink. Thus, to the point:

Mark ye well drunken Barney Gumble. While this crudely drawn Simpsons fixture is hardly the epitome of a functional drunk, we all know that he is a hell of a lot more fun when tanked. Look at the sober version of this beloved cartoon lush during his 'wagon days' What an asshole.

I'll grant you he's not indicative of the mostly fit and energetic people that I saw down there Saturday afternoon...which leads me to the author's involvement in this sorry tale. When Saturday's weather turned from expected misery to a pleasant day, those of us that counted on shitty temps immediately offered thanks by writing off responsibility and proceeded to get trashed in the afternoon. We stood in plain view with beer mugs, wine glasses, and finally the bourbon bottle to the jealous glances and baleful glares of frazzled parental units. Our voices were profane and quite, quite loud.

I really hope that some of those 'rents managed to get their ass in front of a margarita or Jagerbomb asap. You fucking earned it.


Knoxville Booze News

Booze Controversy
from WATE Ch. 6

We have some actual booze news in Knoxville. WATE channel 6 posted a story on their website about a new restaurant opening in Fort Sanders that plans to sell alcohol, however the location of the new establishment is too close to a mosque to obtain a local beer permit. Luckily there may be a loophole that will allow them to get the permit if the state approves a liquor license. The article explains that state law doesn't have a distance requirement and that the local ordinance would be voided if a liquor license is approved. Excellent!!

I've been wondering what they were up to at the old Flynn Paint building and now we know, a new restaurant called The Hill. I really hope they approve the liquor license so we can have another option for downtown/campus food and drink. With no apologies to the mosque, or any church for that matter, I think we're past the days of antiquated ordinances for religious purposes. Let's hope this new restaurant opens without a hitch and gets the required permits. More importantly let's hope that it is worthwhile and a good addition to the Fort.

Mixed Bag

Hey drunks! Although we’re mighty glad to have Scarlett back on the scene I thought we may want to do at least one update this week, so I’ve put together a mixed bag of random topics. We’ve got Knoxville events, drinking and music but not necessarily in that order. Let’s get straight to it. Allez!!

The Party Bike

This is pretty damn cool but I don't think we could get away with something like this in the US, much less Knoxville. While scavenging Google for images to rip off for another blog post I found this

(from original post)
Definitely the best thing I’ve ever seen to work off a beer belly. This is basically a party bike. It has four wheels and is powered entirely by foot power. Everyone has a seat around this bar, and each seat has its own set of pedals. The bartender in the middle of the bar steers, because he’s sober, but all the people drinking around the sides add power to the vehicle.

What a surprise, another fun idea from the Dutch. This picture is from several years ago so some of you may have seen or been on one of these. I think this would be serious fun. I can envision using this on UT game days, drinking and pedaling around town, enjoying some nice weather. Yeah right, with our drunken bunch we’d be too hammered after a few rounds of tailgating stops. I bet the damn thing would wind up a trash heap left on the side of the road. Just being realistic.

Looking Ahead

Spring is here and some favorite local events are just around the corner. I haven’t been a huge fan of Sundown in the City for the past few years due to excessive lines for ID checks, beer tickets and beer itself, not to mention the event has outgrown Market Square and the regrettable trend of drop-off daycare for teenagers. Whatever, I still like having the event downtown and manage to drop by for at least a couple of shows. Then continue to the bar.

Here is the Sundown schedule, from Metro Pulse

April 9 -- Arrested Development with special guest
April 16 -- Cowboy Mouth with Phil Pollard & Band of Humans
April 23 -- Karl Denson's Tiny Universe with Brent Thompson & His Wandering
April 30 -- Big Head Todd & the Monsters with Joan Jones
May 7 -- Local night featuring Royal Bangs, Same As It Ever Was, and Tenderhooks
May 14 -- Gavin Rossdale with Vertigo
May 21 -- Grupo Fantasma and The Belleville Outfit
May 28 -- Dave Barnes with Jonathan Sexton & The Big Love Choir
June 4 -- Shooter Jennings with 1220
June 11 -- Grace Potter & the Nocturnals with special guest
June 18 -- The Wailers performing the classic reggae album Exodus in its entirety with special guest Toubab Krewe
June 25 -- Jamey Johnson with Brendon James Wright & The Wrongs

UT Orange and White Game

Saturday, April 18 at 3 PM

Hey I know it’s just a damn scrimmage game but this is a new era. Usually I skip this nonsense but you can bet your ass that I’ll be attending this year. As fans we could use the practice too – start front loading well ahead of game time, gather with friends, talk your shit, go to the bars afterward, etc.

Rossini Festival Street Fair - Knoxville Opera

Saturday, April 25 12:00 - 9 PM.

Now we’re talking! Let’s see, block off a couple of streets downtown, sell wine, beer, Italian sausages and other foods, add music, performing arts, crafts, hopefully good weather – all within close proximity of restaurants and bars selling more food and drink. Yep, sounds good to me.


From The Smoking Section comes one of my favorite new finds. Forgive me if I’m years behind the rest of you slackers but I’ve never heard of Lou Draws until now. Fucking. Funny. Here he is singing Youngest MILF, very Bobby Brown. I had a hard time deciding to go with that one over "Juicealicious" or "Sweatpants and Birkenstocks" (wait for the Frito-smelling shoes comment near the end, a la Oran Juice Jones back in the day), so if you have time to kill I suggest going to YouTube for these gems.

Oh, This

From one of those forwarded emails, something about if you're ever at a company party with a 1 drink limit...

And just because it's out there

Thank you Lindsay


Scarlett O'Harlot Returns

Hey y’all! Long time no see. That’s partially my fault. (Or, entirely.)

All the talk about hangover cures last week got me thinking about hangovers in general (ugh), and that reminded me of The Worst Hangover I Ever Had. I thought I would share, despite the fact that it's not that interesting.

I was eighteen at the time, which makes it somewhat surprising that I would have had such a terrible hangover, considering that at that age, I could usually drink until three in the morning and still be in class at eight. I also hadn’t started smoking yet, and I generally find that a night of binge drinking combined with smoking an entire pack of cigarettes leads to a worse hangover than the drinking alone.

Incidentally, I disagree entirely about cigarettes being a good cure for a hangover. Sure, I’ll probably have one when I wake up, but I don’t think smoking contributes to my actual recovery and may in fact hinder it. But, you know, potayto, potahto.

So, I was in Spain at the time, and because I was only eighteen years old and had spent my freshman year of college drinking Natty Light at fraternity parties and Parrot Bay in my dorm room, I was not exactly a seasoned drinker. I mean, I could drink a LOT of alcohol at one time, but I wasn’t really interested in drinking a VARIETY of alcohols. Beer, rum, and vodka were pretty much my staples. Regrettably, I had not yet become the wino that I am now, and I’m embarrassed to say that I never even tried any wine while I was there, except for some sangria at a party one night, and that doesn't really count, 'cause it was all fruity and shit. If I ever return to Spain, it will be a different story.

One night in Salamanca, I noticed that a friend was drinking gin and juice, something I’d never actually witnessed in person, but had heard about a LOT, and in various genres. Laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind. I asked my friend if I could try a sip of her drink, which I seem to remember was in, like, a stadium-sized plastic cup.

And it was delicious!

I immediately ordered one of my own (por favor) and proceeded to drink my weight in that nefarious libation, which I thought tasted just a little bit like Pine-Sol, but in a good way. I have no idea what time I finally put down the stadium cup and went to bed, but given that I was in Spain, it could have been damn near sunrise. They keep it real over there.

The next day, I awoke with a headache so terrible that I literally could not get out of the bed until seven o’clock in the evening. When I did finally manage to crawl to the toilet, I decided that the bathroom rug, although not as comfortable as the bed, was currently closer in proximity and was therefore a suitable place to lie down. Also, it put me near the porcelain bus, which I desperately wanted to take for a drive. Unfortunately, I’ve never been good at force-puking, so I just had to ride it out.

To this day, I have never been able to drink gin. In fact, even the smell of it is a little nauseating. So much for rollin' down the street, smoking indo....

Anyone else have an aversion to a particular drink, based on a particularly bad hangover?

POY Update

Well well well. Here we are almost through the first quarter of the year season and it looks like Tag Berauscht has all but wrapped up 2 months for the Prick of the Year Contest. It seems that he is hell bent on reclaiming his title from 2007 and is off to a good start. The manual labor he subjected us to last month almost broke my back and knees, but not my spirit (to drink). Now the cockayus lets the entire Ice Bears regular season pass by without arranging a single group outing for us to attend. I cry foul! Hockey games are one of our best outings to drink as a group and shout profane insults for everyone to hear how obscene we are. C'mon man, don't be such a dick - that offense is worth at least 10,000 prick points.


The Irish Question

Well, lookee here. It seems the nation's second outright yearly excuse to get shit-housed has arrived.

Say what you will about the apocryphal origins of that snake-driving sumbitch, the end result these days is that we get to thumb our nose at any sort of responsibility to drink a metric fuck ton of booze.

I've posted in the past about my resentment of these holidays...which sends forth the amatuer to drink with the pros, the latter of whom recognize no drinking calendar other than "today." Bosses will be on the prowl in the morning, the uptight prohibitionists will sniff derisively at your bloodshot eyes and gamey stench.

Fuck them. As much as I don't care about St. Patrick's day per se(Lots of English blood, so I naturally wish to oppress them) I will side with the dysfunctional Irish over the sober. After all, we get polluted on Tuesdays by rote.

Hopefully each of you has a bar in mind for today, so I'll spare you the various activities that are advertised in the local papers and leave you with a simple charge: Consume.


We Kinda Suck At This Blogging Thing

Hey drunks,

Yes, YOU the reader, you’re a drunk too. I know because why else would you be here?

Welcome to our very 1st ever (EVER!) Drinking Knoxville mock draft, an idea we ripped off from successful, well written blogs that have actual readers who post comments and everything. I thought to myself, “Mackey, this is an easy way to get everybody to post as a group AND potentially have some readers get involved and provide their own thoughts via comments”. I was dead wrong on the first assumption and have a pretty good idea how the second one will pan out, we’ll see.

We'll start with a 2 round draft with each of us choosing our picks without repeating each other. You can simply list your answer or elaborate as much as you want to. In order to accommodate our mountain time zone blogger we'll do the 1st round in order, then the 2nd round in reverse order so he can go back to back due to (I'm guessing) limited computer access. Readers, feel free to add your own selections in the comments section. Allez!

The topic is HANGOVER CURES:

1st Round

Mackey - Supreme pizza, preferably cold out of the fridge, but it can be cooked or ordered fresh. All 4 food groups are represented in one dish, plus grease and salty olives do the magic. Some favorites include Stefano’s (wheat crust) and Mellow Mushroom.

Lord von Lord - Bloody Marys or Bloody Bulls...breakfast plus the hair of the dog, in my case heavy on the horseradish as well. Just enough of an eye opener to make that critical decision whether to bail on work or make Irish coffee and piss off the neighbors. Note: This never works out as planned, usually resulting in a mid-morning nap.

Bloody Bull from Cocktailtimes.com
Ingredients:- 2 oz vodka - 3 oz Tomato Juice - 2 oz Beef Bouillon - 1/2 oz Lemon Juice - 1 dash Tabasco Sauce - Black Pepper & Salt - Garnish: Lemon Wedge. Shake all the ingredients in a shaker with ice and strain into a highball glass over crushed ice. Garnish with the lemon wedge.

Scarlett O’Harlot - My current strategy is a multivitamin and a banana. Kind of girly, but that's my duty here, right?

M – A banana you say? Hmmm, okay.

This is where things started to go to shit

KRTI – Sucks!

1 week later

Tag Berauscht - There is only one cure for me on an average everyday hangover, and that's fluids, lots of them. And yes, Beer is a fluid, probably the first or second one to consider.

Several days later

Frank McWoo - Emergen-C. If you are not familiar, this is a powdered drink mix that comes in individual serving packages suitable for stowing in desk drawers, glove compartments, as well as mixing with airplane bottles of vodka in a pinch. It's full of vitamins, comes in several flavors, and makes a delightful alka seltzer style fizzing display when mixed with water.

2nd Round

Frank - I know I have bitched about Utah beer ad nauseum, but I just realized the true value of it. In fact, as a hangover aid, it may justify the existence of this swill. Enough "hair" to take the edge off a moderately hazy Monday Morning Comin' Down, while not so much as to prevent you from doing something productive if you can't talk yourself or the judicial system into putting it off.

Some two weeks later…

Tag - DNP

KRTI - still sucking

SO’H - Am I supposed to respond now? Are these other guys out?

M - We're waiting on Tag's 2nd response if he will ever get to it. KRTI is out, so you will be next. Hell, go ahead and reply and I'll get it worked out. Thanks!

SO’H: I don't think I ever got Tag's first response. Let me know what it is so I don't write the same thing.

M - He picked fluids/more beer. Frank kinda chose the same thing but since it is Utah 3.2 beer I am going to accept it because god knows how long it would take to redo. Fuck, this is more difficult than I thought it would be.

SO'H: My second hangover cure: Gatorade always peps me up a little.

LVL: (Not necessarily a cure )but usually the stark terror of pocket forensics, bewilderment on the exact location of my wallet/phone, and the panic that it might be time to roll into work will usually scare the remaining booze out of my system. In other words, sheer panic makes the pain go away.

M: Chinese food. Flied lice. Rich, syrupy sauces covering meats of all kinds. MSG slathered on everything including vegetables. Eggrolls. Plus points for delivery and not having to drag yourself out in public looking and feeling like hammered dog shit. (thanks Gary Busey!)

So there you have it, and it only took the better part of a month to piece that one together. C’mon readers, I know you’ve got something better to add to these hangover cures, don’t be shy now.


Spring Rocka

Lieutenant Rocka is back with a fresh mixed tape of tunes just in time for Spring. Ease yourself into these grooves before the weekend sucker-punches your kidneys and takes all your money at the bar. Download episode twelve for FREE and spend your hard earned cash on booze! See, we’re good like that.

1. The Number Twelve - The Electric Company
2. Three Times Dope
3. Here’s the Thing - Girl Talk
4. Severed Hand - Pearl Jam
5. Mistaken for Strangers - The National
6. Daylight - Matt & Kim
7. M.E.X.I.C.O. - The Kills
8. Kamphopo - Esau Mwamwaya
9. She’s Not There - The Zombies
10. Departure - Crystal Stilts
11. Never Stops - Deerhunter
12. On The Road Again - Canned Heat
13. Tunnelvision - Here We Go Magic
14. Lion In A Coma - Animal Collective
15. Happy Up Here - Royksopp
16. Back on the Train - Phish (Live from Hampton, VA - Saturday, March 7, 2009)
17. Can’t Keep - Pearl Jam


Read this sumbitchin' blog(again)

Last year, yours truly blogged about how to make the misery of modern movies acceptable.

Basically, I recommended drinking heavily and investing in a flask. What a fucking surprise. In hindsight I could have reduced that post by 50% had I just utilized booze references and curse words and still managed to get my point across. This year, Hollyweird has decided we need shiny pictures with extreme violence to take our minds off of the crap-laden diaper that is 2009. I'll spare you the tedium of reading titles you were already aware of, and indeed would like to endorse this sumbitchin' blog instead: http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/

A member of the highly funny and extremely offensive uproxx series of blogging partners such as http://www.withleather.com/ , you can obtain crucial film reviews as well as crotch-camera bootlegs plus all the racist and sexist humor that you laugh about in the privacy of your own home.

I mean, come on...who among us would have known about the NWA biopic if not for http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/03/nwa-biopic? Hopefully it will harken back to the days of the extreme violence and gunfire that encapsulated Spike Lee and John Singleton films of the day. I'm told you couldn't get a popcorn without some baller trying to jack you with his deuce-deuce in the concession line.

(Nino Brown says you are your motherfucking brother's keeper.)


Uh, yeah

Yes...First Friday was totally the reason I got polluted the other night. Completely. One hundred percent of the reason I ended up at the bar for an eternity after a happy hour-timed arrival.

Certainly I needed the artistic motivation to knock back countless IPAs, double Makers, and the coup de grace of Knob Creek belts straight from the bottle. Otherwise, I wouldn't have felt the need to drink all that shit.

Nothing to see here. Move along.


Many Thanks(woo! Hell yeah!)

I would like to express my appreciation and gratitude to Patrick Sullivan's right here in Knoxville's Old City 'district' for their upstairs digs. The de facto concert or band area for this establishment has served the authors well on several occasions. Strictly speaking, this is not a bar review, although it plays one on this blog.

Many of you have been to Patrick Sullivan's no doubt...decent beer selection, good(if standard) food, and an above average atmosphere. These qualities are to be expected at one of the few remaining veteran Old City establishments, and now the saloon can boast about the great addition of the adjoining BBQ joint as well. Cool, or tits, as they say.

Now that shit is out of the way, lets talk about the 3rd floor as concert venue. First thing the drunkard will notice is the split railing on the stairwell allowing both simultaneous ingress and egress. This is some proactive shit for around here, as most joints would just have a confused mass of morons milling around like a communist country's bread line. While the band area is against the far wall and is otherwise unremarkable, it does have the benefit of being some distance away from the bar...allowing the hot bartender to hear what you are saying. Furthermore my primary bar peeve of idiot shitheads standing around in the queue is also mitigated.

(Unknown Hinson says don't loiter near the sumbitchin' bar)

Anyhoo, we all bought rounds at a time which adds a robust sense of peer pressure and gamesmenship to the affair. The restrooms are also located upstairs, which is a huge plus for the music lover who might otherwise have to haul ass down two floors to utilize the primary facilities. This is manifestly awesome when you are at the Unknown show, which lends itself to extreme beer swilling and party liquor comsumption by nature.

The biggest thing PS can boast about up top is the ease of movement during a crowded show. That's fucking huge for the drunkard's overall comfort...which is the key point that many clubs and venues here in K-town often overlook. The goddamn bar down the street could take some fucking lessons, but that's another post for another day.(Oh and there will be a day of reckoning and a totalling of sums on that score, you trendy and apathetic hipster assholes)

One curious note that was briefly mentioned during some recent comments: the beer pricing made zero fucking sense, causing me to think that perhaps we were being undercharged. It's nice to be on the right side of a billing discrepancy let me tell you, and the general consensus is that even the beers we paid full price for were in fact quite reasonably priced.

In other words, Patrick Sullivan's has the hook in. They will reel us back in again and again until they fuck it up somehow.