Product Review: Death's Door Gin

I'll admit, early on I had my questions about this gin. Would the relative youth of the company be evident in some crass manner? Overpowering or too little juniper? If it is tasty does that still make this some sort of gin nouveau riche?

Calm the fuck down there LVL. Turns out this is a very fine and suitable clear liquor that easily bridges the middle ground between the current heavy hitter gins: (my beloved) Hendricks, Tanq, and Bombay.

Gin is usually distinct and stark, and DD is no exception. It has a slight citrus twinge that I find difficult to explain. These days many gins have a slight infusion of flavor, but this begs you to drink more to investigate. Insidious.

The bottle is probably its coolest feature. It shows the pride of the Wisconsin community that it calls home. Ingredients are purported to be local and organic, and the general opinion is this is a 'greener' hooch if you find that a feature rather than a bug. You will find something new with each new pour...dates, maps, local lore. It's pretty cool in a day when most bottle labels are either askew or sport a torn paper label.

Suffice to say, that picture was taken pretty early-and I have since prosecuted the bottle with relentless gusto. I heartily recommend you check it out the next time you aren't in the mood for brown booze or vodka.

Whipahol

Damn, where was this during Thanksgiving dessert? A brand new way to consume alcohol has hit the market just in time for the holidays. Or maybe it's been out for a while now, I honestly don't know. Whipped Lightning is the world's first alcohol-infused whipped cream - it says so right on their web page. I applaud this invention even though I will probably never use it myself. According to the website it is not available in 33 states, however Tennessee somehow pulls a surprise win and it IS available here. Check out the recipes if you need instructions on how to enjoy their product. Or I'll save you the time by listing the two step process:

1. Make your favorite cocktail, shooter, coffee or dessert
2. Top with Whipped Lightning

Done.

Will this replace the tried and true method of spiking your coffee or pouring bourbon directly on your apple pie? No, it will not, especially if LVL is around with a bottle of Maker's.

Fortune and assorted leg-spreading

But the swift runner Achilles broke in sharply-"Field marshal Atreides, lord of men Agamemnon, produce the gifts if you like, as you see fit, or keep them back, it's up to you. But now-quickly, call up the wild joy of war at once!

-The Iliad, Book 19

Indeed. And so here we are, after some weeks of rumour and whispers we finally have the bottle of Maker's 46. Ye which is aged a bit longer with oak staves. Clever, and unsettling, for we are unaccustomed to fucking with a proven winner. After all, did Jack Daniels not buttfuck us?

We need not have worried. Thanks to our friends at Downtown-who even now stock this winner-I picked up one of these new bottles for the weekend. The wax is just like Maker's Mark proper, although we noticed that the wax seal on the front was somewhat curious. Getting the cork aside-Mackey, HL, and yours truly knocked back a few strong belts. The added oak adds smoothness, and although I feel it similar to other mid 90's proof bourbons you can tell that it's a big deal from a major distillery. It won't burn you up like the 100 plus motherfuckers either.

Thus, we addressed the afternoon...gulp by gulp, drink by drink building a wall of sweet numbness.

Handy the hand puppet: Even now, he sulks in his tree house like Achilles in his tent! ...Achilles?... The Iliad?... It's Homer?...

The Human Ton: Your Tick won't come. He's sulking in his tent like a guy from Chile!

Arthur: ...Don't you mean 'Achilles'?

Handy the hand puppet: [To the Human Ton] You're making us look like jerks! I told you already, READ A BOOK!

The Tick— "The Tick vs. Arthur's Bank Account"

Dear Lord, it was exhausting...ethos or no. The consensus of the smashed was that Maker's 46 is a worthy addition to the whisky family. At 94 proof it is slightly heavier than regular Maker's, and I cannot say that I would choose to pay the modest upcharge over the regular MM that I love so much.

Varenus rushes on briskly with his sword and carries the combat on hand-to-hand, and having slain one man, for a short time drove back the rest; while he urges on eagerly, he fell. To him, in turn Pulfio brings relief and both having slain a great number, retreat into the fort amidst the highest applause. Fortune so dealt with both in this rivalry that one competitor was a safeguard to the other, nor could it be determined which of the two appeared worthy of being preferred to the other.

Julius Caesar -Gallic Wars

So yeah, we got bombed. Spectacularly so, and with great vulgarity. Turns out there's a big X marking the spot beneath the seal. Insults were made, and wounds still fester. I think though we're going for wings in the morning so it's cool. Oh yeah, and if you are looking for a nice bourbon as a gift or just something different to sip on, pick up a bottle of 46. It'll nail your stones to the table. Cheers fuckface.

Sweet!

As you know, we are big Maker's Mark consumers. We've consistently chosen this winner for about a decade now due to its fine taste, great lore and tradition, and it's potent punch. But first, here's a picture taken from our recent trip to the Thunder Nationals.

The pineapple is emphasized. You can gauge this hefty bastard as a handle. We clobbered it, of course.

I digress, and now I get to my point. We Maker's Ambassadors have been told for months now to expect a new product from those fine people and we are thrilled with the release of "46" with the first bottles being dipped literally days ago. While it might be a while yet before we can drink them off the shelves, rest assured we'll give a full update.

Cling to your pathetic fable of "Red" marketing

I'm not talking about Ivan here, although the upcoming stupidity seems right out of the dipshit commie playbook. Little Red Book indeed, Chairman Mao. This farce of shit is so puzzling, that I'm going to forgo my usual method of distracting you with pictures/shiny objects for a straight-up bitch session.

Jim Fucking Beam. Once I venerated you as have many college students. You were my constant companion in Neyland Stadium and a cheap gift for friends at Christmas time, and that frothy mess on a mixture of Beam and Coke was a panacea for young and inexperienced taste buds. Even if you are pissed off because my palate has evolved to better whisky that's no reason to vex mankind with your latest abortion: Red Stag.

Oh where to begin. The marketing campaign on the website screams hipster assholes with no taste dancing and frolicking about...oh, but they are hipster assholes that like to be outdoors in the snow and they listen to Kid Rock. How very edgy? How very damn trite if you ask me. Every booze cliche in existance is peddled over there. Winter landscape? Check. People who look cool, but are paid models? Check. Washed-up smelly pitchman? Fucking check, in the aforementioned Rock. Who from the early 2000's culture can we recycle next? Please, please say Limp Bizkit so someone can stake this poorly concieved vampire booze to eternal death. Meh.

Beam tells us that this vile drink is four year old JB(four whole years you say?) that has been 'reimagined' with a black cherry finish. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, that sounds terrible. The last thing I think of when I crack open my Makers or Knob Creek is wondering how it would taste with some Cherry Coke. Get the fuck out of here.

Yes, I know it's not in our creed here at DK to shit on something without trying it. Then again, I don't need to drink turpentine to know it's going to suck.

Finally, does anyone remember (circa 93 or 94) the dreadful beers named Red Wolf and Red Dog? Yeah, that's what I thought. Make room on the shelf for another ill-conceived product with a shitty name, because it's only a matter of time.

Vino would be keen-o

Lately, I've had a bit of a thing for drinking wine on a budget. Not that I'm that much of a tight ass, but there is a certain movement during this recession to find and imbibe some cheap wine.

When I was a dumbass college fucktard (rather than the overgrown childlike fucktard I am now) I went through a wine-snob phase neatly wedged between my first tequila phase and the so-called salad years known among the group as "pharmaceutical daze". We've talked before about the archaic wine laws that have handicapped appreciation of finer vintages locally...and in my college years we would eagerly buy bottles of anything flashy or shiny when on the road. It wasn't cheap.

Of course now I've had it all wrong...I should have enjoyed less costly wine in school and develop a taste for superior shit now that I can afford it. Feh.

Anyhoo, I've been swilling two red wines in particular. The first is the cheesy icon of Macaroni Grill, their red table wine...whored up as a Chianti.

The crayon is a nice touch...as is the venerated tumbler that the joint would give you. The entire experience reeked of novice drink. I can find this 1.5 of berry goodness at my local package store for less than nine American dollars(tax included). It's light and goes down in a hurry, provided you don't let Mackey butcher the cheap plastic 'cork' with a wine tool. Some cursory research has revealed that this wine is actually produced by the Navelle Vineyards, and that a boxed version under the name Almaden is available.

The second inexpensive wine I've been hooked on is the Hungarian product, Bull's Blood.

Bull's Blood will run you about 11-12 bucks for a standard 750ml bottle. Not exactly the volume I'm looking for(compared to the Chianti anyway) but it is a noticeably superior product. Every bottle of Bull's Blood I've ever consumed looks beat to hell, as if it was still being smuggled out of the Eastern Bloc circa 1968. Sure, that's complete bullshit but it gives a certain cachet to an otherwise pedestrian wine. Typically, you can find Bull's Blood coming in a couple or three dollars cheaper than a comparable red wine.

One bonus about both these brands is that I don't have that much of a hangover the next morning...while many wines have those hated sulfites, I'm happy to say that I can guzzle these without consequence. Even Mackey doesn't seem to notice, and he spends many a day recovering from a wine induced boozing, depicted thus:

My apologies to Bach for the telling illustration but you get the point.

So if you are looking for some cheap grape flavored drank, you could do worse than these two fuckers. Now, hand me more wine...I shall require it to finish.

Beer Review - Palma Louca

Every once in a while you stumble upon a rare quality find if you’re willing to take the risk and try something new. It doesn’t matter if it’s a new restaurant or some product at the supermarket, there are many good surprises out there just waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, Palma Louca of Brasil isn’t one of them. The beer isn’t outright awful, but it isn’t that good either. I decided to try it when shopping for a night cap at the 13th Street Deli. It was overpriced at $11.69 a six-pack but as a late night convenience when I didn’t feel like going out it was better than going out to the bars so I gave it a try. Palma Louca a pilsner style beer that is very light in color and flavor with a slightly bitter finish. The problem is that it is too light and flavorless, and there didn’t seem to be much alcohol at all - I drank 5 without so much as a buzz, so that was disappointing. I’d classify it below most of the American macro brews but without as much taste, body or alcohol. I can see this being a good beer in the heat because it is so light and goes down easy, but for the cost it just doesn’t make sense to pay double the price of domestic beers that taste better and give you some chance of catching a buzz. In other words drink one if it is offered but do not spend any of your hard earned money on this stuff. The only exception would be if you happened to actually be in Brasil or South America where this was one of your only options.

Drink this sumbitchin' beer!

Can't get enough of this stuff lately:

Enlightened, smenlightened. It'll get me drunk and won't blind me like pine cone likker. That's enough for me.

Product Review: Barenjager

Yes, we all know the translation. That's kindergarten shit.

This honey liqueur from The Fatherland tastes like one might expect by even a cursory glance at the bottle: Honey and pain.

While researching this stuff, I found the recipes for actual cocktails and cordials more offensive than a klan meeting, so I see no need to burden you with the laborious descriptions. Rather, I will give a few thoughts about the liquid itself. If you think it will taste like cough syrup, then you are on to something...however, it accomplishes this feat by still being more of a drink than potent sludge.

We stumbled across this basket wearing cocksucker a few years back. Like many of these European drinks it had a brief period of cachet among our group...usually by the last person to buy a round of shots once Jager, 'schlager, Jamesons, and Patron had all been purchased.

I'm not saying it is as vile as slivovitz(fuck no) but it can cause problems. One should take care not to be encouraged by the little Grateful Dead show prancing about on the bottle weave. This stuff packs a punch. Fortunately, most of my pubs and bars have begun viewing Barenjager as a purely specialist drink with few takers.

Personally I think it is another confused European drink that further clouds my judgment.

Read this sumbitchin' wiki

www.beeripedia.com/index.php/Main_Page

Product Review: Bulleit Bourbon

Kindly note that this was the very first thing we could get our hands on following the annual Fulmer Florida Fuckup...though we have consumed this somewhat recent newcomer bourbon before, this was the inaugural medicinal usage. I believe that's the reason we pitched it into Mackey's tomato plant. Saturday evening was somewhat of a blur as you may already know.

Like many of the brown liquors acquired by Seagrams over the years, Bulleit has been available in the states for about a decade. It has a prominent rye distinction and packs a solid punch at 90 proof.

Bulleit does not have a rich history like many bourbons...being discontinued for many decades; so I find the claim of being a "Frontier" whiskey to be curious. The bottle and label seem like anachronisms to the 19th century, but the flavor is quite pedestrian apart from the oaky concentration.

I'm still a Maker's man...with a little Knob Creek on the side for the most part. That still doesn't mean I won't drink this brand if I find it in your house, so best keep it away from me if you want to keep it.

Vikingfjord

Vikingfjord is vodka with purity at an excellent value. I just heard of this product about 6 months ago from our friends at Downtown Wine + Spirits on Gay St and it has become my staple mixing vodka of choice. I was stocking up on Maker’s Mark and needed some additional booze for my bar and the store clerk suggested I give it a try. Priced around $20 a handle it is just a hair more than mid-range vodkas like Smirnoff and Svedka, but the quality is much better and costs a lot less than Stoli, Kettle One and Grey Goose.

The official website gives the full explanation of how it’s made of 5,000 year old glacier ice, the 6 step filtration process, drink recipes, etc. My concerns are always about drinkability and how it tastes. Vodka is not something I drink neat, on the rocks, or in a martini, therefore taste isn’t a primary concern for me in this instance. However Vikingfjord happens to taste just fine straight out of the bottle – smooth and no burning, horrible ethanol aftertaste; this is not Popov. So far I’ve had it with ice picks, bloody marys, the usual juices and tonics. Works every time.

Since it is filtered so well they must want you to drink a shitload of it because there isn’t a pour spout on it to speak of (the ½ gallon size anyway). They have some kind of plastic ring in the bottleneck, but trust me, it doesn’t slow down at all when you’re pouring. Go ahead and pour ‘em strong and drink up!

Absent with Absinthe

Ah yes...The Green Fairy, mysterious and enigmatic in its very appearance to be only surpassed by the intrique and half-baked bullshit that comes with it. I will assume that the reader has a basic understanding of the history of this...thing...so I will only give cursory background here. We all have heard of the Parisian and Bohemian culture of the late 19th and early 20th centuries virtually inhaling this shit to expand the consciousness, extend life, and offer artistic insight. The eccentric Van Gogh, sinister Alistair Crowley, and the effete yet genius Oscar Wilde were all reported to imbibe a metric fuck ton from time to time. (that time being from 12:00AM to 11:59PM) Tres chic.

As with most booze, absinthe was a favorite target of the so-called temperance movement and was consigned with regular beer, wine, and liquor to relative obscurity during the 1900's. Such a campaign was made easier in the States, far from the original Swiss and French regions whence it came. It was maligned so much during this period that calumny still dogs it to this day. Wormwood and thujone conjured up images of insanity, and the high alcohol content was sufficient to keep the uptight religious folks on its green ass.

Here's the modern view: This stuff is fine for novelty drinking, but tastes pretty rough. There is a procedure to drinking absinthe, illustrated thus:

Some years ago, we ordered some absinthe from Alsace and had it shipped over...under the impression that the vileness found here was the product of American booze laws and thus not worth the effort. We opted to order from France, given that most of the other suppliers were from the Eastern European states and God only knows what foulness resides in that product(see: Slivovitz). Usually included is a snazzy spoon, by which water is poured over sugar into the glass. What results is a chalky green solution that will test your stamina and resolve. No hallucinations, although the high alcoholic content will fuck you up...big time. In fact, what we noticed the most was not a 'high' but a really wicked drunk that belies the lethargy that comes with such an undignified state.

In short, we can only endorse this product for novelty consumption. It's too much of a pain otherwise. The really cool thing about absinthe is the art that it has 'inspired' over the years...a tribute to its origins, and an example of the lamentable influence of temperance bastards the world over that have moderated such esoteric libations.

I mean, look at the absurdity of a cat drinking this stuff. Can't make that up on a straight and sober mind. Feh.

Review: Slivovitz

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. Revelation of St. John 6:8

With apologies to Mr. Blake, with whom I doubt very seriously ever expected his famed rendering of Death on horseback to grace a booze blog. Then again he probably never tasted the brutal horror that is slivovitz, aka Hellhooch.

This review is a curious one. To wit, the authors of this blog will each shudder and squirm when remembering trips to Restaurant Linderhoff in Farragut. Though we do not consume this murderous plum brandy often, we do feel a sense of shame and terror at the very mention of the liquor. Twice in recent memory we've journeyed deep to the west of Knox County for authentic German cuisine and atmosphere. Twice we've acted like boors, cads, rakes, and in one nasty case--the accused. However, that's a story for a different post. Lets stick to the topic and review at hand:

Fucking plum brandy from the Goddamn Balkans. This shit tastes literally like fire...I've often spoke of it in hushed whispers "like tequila made in a coal mine" and that's being generous. It defies taste. In fact, I'm not going to take this much further. This shit will kill you. Need concrete proof? Then consider our clinical case of young college student Slobodan Tyrone Washington Jefferson Radesvic Milosevic(no relation) aged 22 years:

Get the idea? Stay the fuck away from this shit. Your criminal record, your relationships, your family, et all will thank you. I am firmly convinced the Black Hand organization was on this tripe when Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated and thus triggered World War One. If you've ever seen our group at Linderhoff, you'll wonder why more global wars haven't erupted. Fuck the former Yugoslavian states with a board wrapped in concertina wire.

Review: Toasted Head Chardonnay

Not only do we not drink a ton of wine but even rarer that it be a chardonnay. That is why it gets a review, just to say we did it. This wine is what you get when you are label shopping for wine, I wasn’t looking at price tags just wanted to try something different, and it was. We were all grilling fish that night except Lord (ass), and this bottle looked interesting and chards are to be with fish said the snobs. Toasted Head is a California winery located in the beautiful farming county of Yolo, which is another way of saying we couldn’t afford land just west of us in a little county known as Napa. The name comes from toasting the heads of the barrels they age the wine in; I don’t care where the bear came from or its ability to breathe fire.
Their description goes as followed: Our Chardonnay leads with fresh, ripe pear and tropical fruit aromas that carry hints of mango and vanilla. The round, smooth palate features luscious stone fruit and tropical fruit flavors complemented by toasty oak tones. Characteristically round, smooth, and luscious, it culminates in a lingering, toasty-vanilla finish.
As usual their description is overdone, but that’s their job. I picked up on some of the fruit hints and defiantly the vanilla, but over all the wine was thin bodied and unfulfilling. Still drank every drop, but moved on quickly. Like I said; not much of a chardonnay drinker, so maybe this was better to some people than to me. Overall I will look past this wine next time but am still glad I got it, you never know till you drink it.

Review: Blanton's

In our ongoing efforts to edify the masses about obscure or off-the-beaten-path booze, we present to you:

Blanton's Bourbon.

This is another higher end bourbon that, of course, hails from Kentucky. Like most hooch from that state, Blanton's claims any number of 'firsts' and awards...to be honest, I get tired of reading the accolades. I believe in drinking actions, not drinking words, so boasts made about the product don't typically sway my purchase in the package store.

Still, Blanton's does appeal to me from a variety of directions. The bottle, from an aesthetic viewpoint, is pretty cool. Looks like a nasty brown grenade. The cork/stopper is a homage to Kentucky's horse racing tradition, and the label contains many little tidbits about the origin of each individual bottle such as dates, barrel, and proof. Ours was a common proof of around 93.

As for taste the bourbon is very smooth, and I prefer it slightly chilled. To be frank, we tested this bottle under battlefield conditions ie the lake, rather than at the bar or in privacy of one's home. Passing the bottle around, it was generally agreed that it was a fine bourbon, though the parameters for the testing period were late in the day after many, many beers.

The grenade is somewhat pricey...getting one for 50 bucks seems to be the mean range. Honestly, I am more apt to still drink Maker's for day to day boozing...but Blanton's is certainly a fine potable, and would make for an excellent gift.

Löwenbräu

In only the 2nd of many product reviews we intend to bring you, may I present: Löwenbräu. Yes, that Löwenbräu. Imported Bavarian beer. Beer your parents drank. This beer is the surprise hit of 2008 with our bunch of sots. Just like that old friend who you haven’t seen or heard from in forever that shows up and rocks the house and makes you wonder how you ever drifted apart, this is that beer-friend. Willkommen zu Hause!! Several weeks ago while sitting at the bar with Lord von Lord I ordered one on impulse and I’m glad I did. Soon enough we were both drinking them down and recalling the nostalgic jingle and recreating unknown scenes of the 1970’s as our elders tippled this fine brew. Just this past weekend we met at the bar and ordered ‘em up aplenty. We had a blast as always and of course were obnoxious to boot. (sings) “Here’s to good friends Tonight is something special…”

On with the review; first their’s from the official website:

When trying to impress a beautiful Fraulein, order her a Löwenbräu. Once it arrives at the table, lean in close and say: Did you know…Löwenbräu is a traditional Munich-style beer that’s exclusively imported from the Löwenbräu brewery in Munich. Löwenbräu Original Lager beer is made from the highest quality ingredients giving it a superb natural head, golden color, distinctive, refreshing flavor and a pleasant, enjoyable aftertaste. Brewed according to the Bavarian “Reinheitsgebot” (Purity Law) dating back to 1516.

Yes, a very professional, accurate description. They even use sexual motivation as an incentive to learn more about their fine beer just like we do!

Now my review:
I agree. What can I say better than they do? It is natural, golden, distinctive, refreshing flavor with a pleasant, enjoyable aftertaste. Okay it also:

• Goes well with shots (even Jagermeister)
• Tastes better than any domestic macro brew
• Goes with whatever you’ve been drinking all day and night to keep the good times rolling
• May even impress an American girl, but I doubt it
• Did I mention the catchy jingle?

I encourage all of you to go out and drink this fine-ass beer this weekend, especially if you haven't tried it before. But I warn you, once that damn jingle gets in your mind it is impossible to ignore. And why would you ignore it? Tonight is something special. The beer you'll pour must be something more. So tonight, let it be Löwenbräu!

Noah's Mill Bourbon

In the first of many product and bar reviews we select something close to our hearts and even closer to our livers - bourbon. I present to you: Noah’s Mill.

First, from their website:

Noah’s Mill----------------
Aged in wooden barrels, bottled by hand at
57.15% alc./vol. (114.3 proof)

Noah’s Mill Genuine Bourbon Whiskey is handmade in the hills of
Kentucky.

This is a Bourbon of extraordinary character and smoothness not
found among younger whiskies. Its superior taste and flavor characteristics are
made possible only from using the very finest quality ingredients at the outset
along with the long years and patience necessary for nature to mellow everything
to perfection. We bottle this Bourbon at a strength that best compliments its
age, and we’re sure you’ll enjoy it like no other Bourbon.

Okay now our review, but let’s set some guidelines: all spirits are first consumed straight without any mixer – no water, soda, juice or even ice, just the pure product.

I have to admit I had this bottle of bourbon sitting on a shelf at my house for about two weeks before I tried it. I knew it would be a formidable opponent, so after some mild drinking one evening with Lord Von Lord we decided to have a go at it. First reaction: Pure fucking gasoline! No, Rocket Fuel!!

Have you ever had a strong taste of any booze that just takes your breath away? I mean literally, it takes the air out of your lungs, your face turns red, sweat beads on your forehead, you loosen your shirt collar, etc. Well this was one of those. I've had similar experiences with PGA, Absinthe, and some other high volume whiskeys/bourbons. It made me feel like I could breathe fire, something like this: http://members.shaw.ca/legion_roll_call/reserve/subs/fire_lad/

I've never heard of Fire Lad before I did a search to find someone breathing fire, but it seemed appropriate, sorta.

Fire Lad (Staq Mavlen), of the planet Shwar, was endowed
with flame breath when he inhaled weird vapors from a crashed meteor.

Yeah, that's about how I felt. The following weekend I transported this highly flammable substance to our friend Tag's house for a group sampling. This went over much better, as there were women present thus challenging us to behave as men instead of pussies. We also had it over ice which allowed a more drinkable experience. By the time you poured a glass the ice melted so quickly it was like mixing it with water and you could actually taste the smooth flavors the distillers mentioned. Aside from the first near-deadly encounter it really does have some flavor and mellow character if you add ice or water. It went down faster than we expected, so apparently everyone liked it. I can't say I'll be drinking this very often since it costs $50 a bottle, but give it a try if you're looking for a special occasion bourbon to add to your liquor cabinet. Plus you can use it to shut up that asshole friend who always thinks they can drink anything. "Hey buddy, let me pour you a shot of this new bourbon I've got...."