WTF

Shit. It happened again. In lieu of the usual Monday Hangover I’ve decided to waste your time reporting on what is perhaps the most awful, useless conversation in the history of drinking. Yep, another Battle of the Bands segment – this time with twice the stupidity!
This installment is brought to you courtesy of one of our regular drinking sots: Disco Dan.

As almost any Saturday afternoon goes (when not on the lake) we were drinking at the bar. The usual culprits were on hand: King Randall the Insufferable and his queen, Lord von Lord, myself, Disco Dan and a few others. Things are going well enough until the foreboding words “hey, who sings this song” are uttered and I know what is about to happen. Sure enough we begin discussing music and before you know it we have a “challenge”. This was a new low, even for us:

Bay City Rollers vs. Pet Shop Boys

Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? The goddamn Bay City Rollers? Never mind the Pet Shop Boys for a minute – The Bay City Rollers??? Who the hell even remembers them, much less any of their songs? Disco Dan does apparently. He is a bit older than most of our group and god knows what other scheisse from the 1970’s he’ll belch forth at a given time, but none of us were prepared to handle this discussion. So automatically we respond by shitting on his chosen band. And don’t even try to figure how we matched them against the Pet Shop Boys. Does it matter? I never thought I’d have to listen to them again, much less be forced to defend them as a superior musical act. God. Anyway:

Bay City Rollers

Pros:
-Only song I recognize is featured in Mike Myers “So I Married an Axe Murderer?” film: S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night!

Cons:
-Just look at them!
-No one even knows of them. Fuck them. And fuck you too, Dan. Jesus.

Pet Shop Boys

Pros:
-Only slightly better than the fucking Bay Shitty Rollers
-“I’ve got the brains. You’ve got the looks. Let’s make lots of money.”

Cons:
-Faggy, Euro pop band
-Lots of club/dance music
-Interrupted too many cool radio play lists in the ‘80s

God, isn't that enough to make you want to jam a hammer-drill through your ears. But wait – there’s more!!

We went on to another, almost respectable challenge for our second round:

Asia vs. Steely Dan

This is a lopsided match up. The bands aren’t even in the same genre and I think Asia only had two albums vs. around 30 for Steely Dan. I don’t know how we get so wrapped up in this mess but it does help pass the time while drinking the day away. Fuck, I need some new friends.

Asia

Pros:
-Heat of the Moment
-The video for “Only Time Will Tell” features gymnastics and avant-garde use of TVs

Cons:
-Had only 2 – 3 prominent albums before splitting apart
-Two offspring bands both claim the Asia band title
-Clinging to desperation and performing to this day

Steely Dan

Pros:
-Michael McDonald sang back up on a lot of their songs
-Black Friday
-Babylon Sisters
-Bad Sneakers
-Deacon Blues
-Do It Again
-East St. Louis Toodle-oo
-Hey Nineteen
-Kid Charlemagne
-My Old School

Cons:
-I used to think they were too jazzy and faggy for me to like
-Use of studio musician line up to produce albums gives them an unfair advantage

So there you have it. This is how I wasted part of my drunken weekend. God I hope the rest of you never have it so bad. Geesh, I'm in need of a serious drink. Alone. Without shitty music. Steely Dan is okay. Disco Dan on the other hand...

Sundown 2.0- The Contrarian View

On the heels of Mackey's post regarding Sundown minutia, I feel compelled to add some thoughts on this once-relevant activity.

Sundown in the City has been hashed out on many local blogs and message boards, and a variety of viewpoints and opinions have surfaced. Too many kids, we should welcome the kids, not enough places to get a drink, too much drinking, etc. and so forth throughout perpetuity.

Allow me to give the more or less official view of Sundown from the bloggers here:

It now sucks.

A little background is necessary. The authors here break the year down into boozing seasons and Sundown was the proverbial spring of drinking, just as it coincides with the onset of the common Springtime. It's a time to shake off the doldrums of winter, see old friends that come out of hibernation, watch some cool regional and nationally renown bands, end up at the patio of the Downtown Grill and Brewery. Rinse and repeat. Up until a few years ago, the crowd seemed a friendly mixture of powerdrinkers and sophisticated music fans co-existing in a fun atmosphere. Now, it's a draconian exercise in KPD and the city's desire to regulate their responsibility and fun. Also you can't swing a cat without hitting drunkass teenagers and students. (hypocrisy disclaimer-while the authors were once punkass underage drinkers ourselves, we were much much cooler than the chumps and chumpettes that do so now, so suck it!)

Mackey has alluded to the rules regarding bottled water and paying for the 'privilege' to drink in addition to the product itself. Absurd. I can understand the mentality of these events even if I don't agree with them. Just like Rossini, the powers that be want you to have to complete Heraklean labors to just get a fucking beer. Stand in line for a wristband, stand in line for a ticket, stand in line for a beer. It all takes precious time that frankly we don't have in a mass of peeps.

While the lineups in years past have been great(Drive-By Truckers, Gin Blossoms to name a couple) and this year is no exception, the crowd has simply outgrown the venue. It's a hot sticky concrete canyon and is hotter than balls. It makes my friends that live downtown miserable simply by virtue of having thousands of folks in their grill.

I can understand the great passion that many people have for Sundown, even now...and respect that viewpoint. But for the professional drunkard, eschew the show, find a barstool and hunker the fuck down.

Go piss up a rope, Aerosmith

So...Steven Tyler checks into rehab. Again. Let's see...sixty years old, positive Hep test, incredible hypocrite douche. Yep, that sums it up.

Allow me to expound on my interest in this seemingly sad story: His Lordship hates Aerosmith. Not all of it, in fact everything up to and including Toys in the Attic is pretty sharp. However, during the late 80's this once relevant band started going down the proverbial toilet. Pink? Love in an Elevator? That goddamn song and video with Alicia Silverstone?

All shit. Complete drek from a band that should have gracefully bowed out and partied it up in private. You've noticed that while this is not primarily a music blog, we do have some heated conversations about music from time to time. Mackey and King Randal's neverending struggle over Van Halen and The Police is the most well known. Most everyone has a conventionally popular band that they hate. His Lordship knows people that cannot abide AC/DC, Boston, The Eagles and so forth. It's cool.

I listen to ESPN 1180 AM most of the day in my office. Apart from the excessive "Don't trespass on the railroad" commercial tragedies, the most repetitive bit of patter is Joe Perry and Douchebag Tyler lecturing us about the ills of drinking and driving for those faggots at RADD. The hubris on these fucking guys. You live a lifestyle of profligate drinking for decades and now you lecture me? Eat a bowl of dick, hypocrites...good luck getting cured off the Wild Turkey or vikes or whatever the hell it is you pack up your ass for jollies, Tyler.


:::UPDATE:::

This is rich. Now, Tyler is saying a foot injury is the reason for his rehab. What an ass.

1984 vs. Synchronicity

For the past several weeks I've been embroiled in a bitter dispute with one King Randall The Insufferable about which 80's rock album is better: 1984 by Van Halen or Synchronicity by those English douche bags The Police. Honestly I don't care about either of these albums anymore which is why it is so amusing that we argue the point at all.


Nevertheless we seem to bring this up a couple times each week and talk a bunch of shit until we become distracted and/or drift to another topic. Let's take a look:

The Police - Synchronicity

1. Synchronicity I
2. Walking in Your Footsteps
3. O My God
4. Mother
5. Miss Gradenko
6. Synchronicity II
7. Every Breath You Take
8. King of Pain
9. Wrapped Around Your Finger
10. Tea in the Sahara

Pros

• I guess I like a couple of those songs
• Escalating band tension and Sting's popularity caused band breakup

Cons

• That damn video for Every Breath You Take with the ashtray and bitchy, whiny song
• That damn video for Wrapped Around Your Finger with all the candles
• Sting's solo career launch pad

Van Halen - 1984

1. 1984
2. Jump
3. Panama
4. Top Jimmy
5. Drop Dead Legs
6. Hot For Teacher
7. I'll Wait
8. Girl Gone Bad
9. House Of Pain

Pros

• Cool album art and kick-ass synthesizer intro
• Video Hot For Teacher features kid-size Van Halen perhaps leading the way for recent social issue of predatory female teacher sex scandals
• 1980's era Rock and Roll summer tour!!

Cons

• Band breakup ultimately leads to Van Halen III with that guy from Extreme
• Paves way for "glam band" era including Poison, Warrant, Jackyl, etc.
• First of several annoying Van Halen albums with numeric titles