That is the dollar amount of booze I intend to purchase. Or maybe the amount of a bar tab I’m going to run up later tonight. Either way I guarantee that it will be spent on booze of some sort - this I can assure you!

Have you ever found money when you weren’t expecting it? A crumpled $20 bill found in an old pair of jeans can totally make your day. It’s like the money faerie slipped you a little something extra for no damn reason at all. I just received a check in the mail for exactly $38.27, and like any unexpected “free” money I plan to blow it on whatever the hell I feel like. Right now I feel like booze. Fuck any “responsible or smart” spending, what fun would that be? I’m looking forward to possibly buying a high-end bourbon to ring in the new season. A bottle of Hendricks’s gin or even a couple bottles of wine could do the trick, we’ll see.

I had no idea why I received a check for that amount, and was hesitant about depositing it into my checking account fearing it may be one of those bank scams you hear about so often. But after clearing it with the bank teller who safely identified the source I went ahead and cashed that sucker. Turns out it was payment from a class action lawsuit I was part of several years ago. Hell, I’d forgotten about that many, many brain cells ago. So naturally this comes as a surprise, the good kind of surprise. The only down side of my good fortune is that by self-reporting this news I have alerted a few cadging, drunk friends that will be more than happy to assist me with my endeavors. I may have to hole up at a tavern in deep east Knox County. I may hide in my urban bunker with the phone turned off and refuse to answer the door - a la this. Actually, this is a farce of shit. A huge lie. There was no free money-check. Prank call, Prank call!!

The Great Pumpkin

The folks at Coaches Hot Seat have punkin-head Phil positioned at #2 in their current rankings. I'm shocked he isn't #1 but that honor is held by another SEC coach, Tommy Tuberville of Auburn. The Vols head to South Carolina tomorrow to face Spurrier's 'Cocks. It has been a dicey season for Fulmer and with another loss this weekend I don't see any way he stays to coach another year. Of course we're at the "soft" part of our schedule which means he could run the table to finish 8-4 7-5 and put UT in a bowl game and possibly save his job. The thought of that sends shivers up my spine. Scary!


One of us mf had to post this weak shit, and I am that asshole. Just barely lazy enough to steal these images from the interweb and put them here so you can view them for the millionth time


Algonquin Round Table Part Deux

Greetings all. Today I embark upon some needed discourse on boozing it up. I have assembled a crack team of both historical and fictitious personalities to offer perspective and opinion about the important drinking and social issues of our age.

Our panelists: Ike Turner, Animal Mother, Mick Mars, and Richard Dawson

LVL: Let's start with you Mr. Turner. What can you offer us from your often tumultous time with Tina Turner?

Ike Turner: I am the greatest lover who ever walked the Earth.

LVL: And what did you drink in those days to ease the anguish of such a relationship?

Ike Turner: Pimp hand, bitch!

LVL: Uhh, certainly Ike. Say...is Rick James available over there on the other side? No?

LVL: Okay then...we now turn to prominent Vietcong dispatcher Animal Mother.

LVL: Welcome.

AM: I'm gonna tear you a new asshole.

LVL: Charming, jarhead savant killer. Say, is that a VC over there?


LVL: Impressive killpower and prejudice, sir. Now, let us introduce a man with no need of introduction Richard Fucking Dawson!

RD: 'allo 'allo! 'ellen 'ave you 'idden my 'atchet?? Cor! Blimey! Straight up from Sussex you lot arrrr! Let's play d' feud!

LVL: Sir, we aren't playing that game, and there are no women here for you to grope, despite your impressive gin/rum/scotch breath...which I might add defies all reason.


LVL: Shit. Fuck. Um...now, last panelist...slightly renown but utterly cool guitarist of Motley Crue, Mick Mars.

MM: Ten seconds to love!

LVL: Exciting, Mick. Been a big fan since Live Wire. Let's start with the rumors that Nikki injected all kinds of shit in his veins. Your take?

MM: If I want to do a concert with my ball bag hanging out, I can do it...I'm Mick Mars!!

LVL:Your rebuttal Ike Turner?

Ike Turner: Gots to keep the pimp hand strong.

LVL: What say you Animal Mother?

Animal Mother: If I'm going to get my balls shot off for a word, I want that word to be poontang.

(gestures with M-60, bungalow flies open)

Da Nang Hooker: Hey, you got girrfriend Vietnam? Me so horny. Me ruv you rong time. (conjecture, license)

LVL: Wonderful.

Ike Turner: Pimp hand, bitch!

Work Less, Drink Less?

I took off work most of last week and returned yesterday to a shitload of catch-up work like you’d expect. During my time off there were several drinking occasions I took full advantage of, most notably the "Drunkard’s Breakfast" hosted by Lord von Lord, plus the weekend, the football game, etc. Aside from the heroic intake of Irish whiskey, bloody marys, Maker’s Mark and beer at LVL’s last Wednesday, the rest of my “drinking time” was underwhelming at best. Like I said, I did drink at times, but having 5 consecutive days off I expected to have at least a minor 3-day bender at some point. I’m pretty sure there were a couple of days I didn’t consume a drop of alcohol.

This makes me wonder if my drinking habits revolve completely around work. I don’t know how else to explain it. If I’d made plans and gone out of town somewhere conducive to drinking (a vacation) things may have been different. There’s something about a $200 hotel room, travel expenses, and being away from home that makes you feel like you have to go out and spend $5 a beer or $8 for a mixed drink and force yourself to have a good time. Apparently staying at home causes the opposite effect, for me at least.

So there I was, mostly sober. Sober for no reason at all. Sober in spite of not having to go to work. Sober with a keg of beer sitting in my kitchen. I can’t put my finger on it. Thursday I was recovering, but not from a hangover. It was a pork induced, cholesterol-fat attack that kept me on the couch most of the day.
Sunday I had no excuse, yet still I did not drink even though I had to work the next day. You’d think the glum notion of returning to work with the 9 – 5er’s could’ve provided some motivation, but no. I was riding high, feeling relaxed and refreshed from so much time off work. Fucking relaxation, why do you make me unthirsty?

Yesterday I returned to the office and found the heap of work I’d left behind the past 5 days. Oddly I was alone all day, the boss and receptionist absent in some peculiar day of hooky. The phone rang, the fax rang, and my emails were backed up a mile long. Shit. What now? Oh yeah, I’ve got to prepare for a conference coming in town this weekend. I’ve got seminars to arrange. I have dumb asses calling with dumb ass questions. Man, this must be why I took off last week, because all this work. Do you see where this is going? After work I felt the need to relieve some stress and went to the gym for a nice, short workout. But that wasn’t enough to make things right, not just yet. Something was out of place. My hand felt empty and useless. I turned on the football game and poured a beer, then another, and another…
I’m back!! (at work)


Bar Review: Sunsphere Update

Leaving the horror of the 2008 UT-Bama game we found ourselves back in the familiar confines of the Skybox. Not a major update here, only to say that now both elevators are working and the bartender ran off some awful frat idiots inquiring about Red Bull, Jager, etc.

I'm not against Jager and Red Bull, or Vodka and Red Bull as was the second drink order these khaki wearing dipshits wanted. Nay, it is just that some bars are for the drinking professionals (aka adults) and that shit outs you as college douche. Indeed, though we were not carded these guys were. Learn, oafish simpletons of the future.

Huge props to the Skybox for having some goddamn taste.


What the fuck was that?

"Opium is my business. The bridge mean more traffic. More traffic mean more money. More money mean more power. Speed is important in business. Time is money."---Chung Mee

"You said opium was money." ---Lawrence Bourne III

"Money is Money." ---CM

"Well then, what is time again?"---LB III

The smart and discerning reader probably picked up on the Bloody Mary vibe that Tag gave off earlier in the week. Subtle hints are not this blog's forte. Anyhoo, the authors arranged some time off this week for what we are tentatively calling 'drunk breakfast'

You see, about a month ago the erudite and always level-headed authors decided to take some personal time away from work and get drunk midweek. Breakfast in fact. Thus, with visions of Bloody Bulls and Irish Coffee in our rotten heads we set a day for this ignoble purpose just to see what would happen.

Drunkenness fucking happened, that's what.

A handle of vodka, bottle of Bushmill's, and several growlers were knocked out this day...nearly all of it before 5PM. We started promptly at 8:30 in the AM, with strong Kona coffee and various spices in our tomato juice(clarification: I hate tomatoes, but for some reason I can drink the Bloody Marys) and then proceeded to cook breakfast. Said experiment in cholesterol consisted of: bacon, sausage, country ham, pork loin, eggs, biscuits & gravy, pancakes etc and so forth. Surprisingly this feast went over quite well, as no one expired on my property. That's always a plus.

There is something positively surreal about drinking during the day, indeed, during the morning especially. All the bullshit hoisted upon us by the sober pricks tell us that it's just not cool to get torched in daylight. My motto is fuck those people with a concrete phallus. The truth is quite the opposite. Knocking back a spiked coffee in my bathrobe while aimlessly meandering about in my front yard is exciting and represents everything right and true with the national character. Waving to the working masses like an idiot only increases their curiosity and envy. Tough shit, pal.

Following this ridiculous morning, we further advanced the cause of debauchery with some apple pie, ice cream, and Maker's Mark. Oh yes, it's just not the same without some bourbon folks. I suggest you all try it someday when you have some time to kill.

Which brings me to my temporal points: the real strength and impact of this type of event manifests itself much later. It completely fucks up your circadian pattern. Clearly, we all passed out by early evening...sleeping well into the next day. Couple this with the fact that it was Wednesday and it leaves even the most stalwart drunk bewildered and in some cases without their pants.(conjecture, license)

I really think that for the common good that more people should take a personal or sick day and tie one on early in the morning. It not only maximizes the buzz, but allows the majority of us to wax nostalgic for the days of laying out of class and getting shitfaced on the lake...well, sans the unprotected sex and reckless drive home of course.


Oh What A Great Thing

The Bloody Mary, any drink that is as good in the morning as any other time is near the top of my fav. list. So a little history; although there are some discrepancies the origins of the Bloody Mary go to comedian, songwriter and movie producer George Jessel, the “Toastmaster General of the United States.” He is said to have come up with it to clear his head after a night of drinking. Perfect! Like I said there are some who challenge this especially in the past when the recognition for its invention would have meant something, like before these guys all died of liver failure (No proof that happened just guessing). The way it seems to have gone down all seems much clearer ones all these guys confessed near the end of their lives. Fernand “Pete” Petiot had been given credit in some cases for the drink but in 1964 in The New Yorker, he clears the air a bit and says “I initiated the Bloody Mary of today,” he declared. “George Jessel said he created it, but it was really nothing but vodka and tomato juice when I took it over....I cover the bottom of the shaker with four large dashes of salt, two dashes of black pepper, two dashes of cayenne pepper and a layer of Worcestershire sauce.” He added lemon juice, two ounces each of vodka and tomato juice and some cracked ice; then, “shake, strain and pour.”
If these two would have quit bickering for a second they could have both received credit for contributing to a great drink. Either way I thank thee, for they have given us a drink to have in the morning to not only clear the head, but hopefully get some dirty looks from others not enjoying their mornings as much as I.
Here are some recipes for a more modern BM:
2/3 cup top-quality tomato juice
2 to 3 ounces top-shelf vodka*, depending on strength of drink
1 teaspoon prepared horseradish
6 shakes Tabasco Sauce
1 teaspoon Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce
Juice of 1/2 large lime (or medium lemon)
1/8 teaspoon salt (preferably sea salt)
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Celery stalk
Or The Bloody Bull
2 ounces top-quality tomato juice
2 ounces top-shelf vodka
2 ounces canned beef bouillon
6 shakes Tabasco Sauce
1 teaspoon Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 scallion (green onion)

This will all make sense in the near future.


The National Nightmare is Finally Over

Piss up a rope Zima.

Today we learn that at long last this cultural abortion ends with all the ignominity it deserves.

First appearing circa 1992 this wretched bitch soon found purchase among dandies, teen girls, unicorns, and hipster assholes that "don't like the taste of beer." Well, excuse me your highness alcohol isn't supposed to taste like candy. Get fucked.

There is a reason that the wine cooler phase of American boozing died out. It's awful. Look, if you want something that tastes like fruit or whatnot, make a proper liquor drink. While I don't drink vodka and cranberry juice, I won't give you shit for it at the bar. Order a wine cooler, Zima, hard cider, or god help you Smirnoff Ice and your ears will bleed for a month. These fuckers at least understood that sad bit of postmodern America.

I, too, would rather drink the urine of a ram rather than Zima. They should nuke the processing plant then bury the remnants with concrete.

Monday Hangover

Friday Offensive –I started drinking after work on Friday around 5:30 and by 10:00 had managed to offend most everyone around me, including close friends and strangers alike. The party I’d been invited to was at a different location than I thought, so I decided not to go to avoid drinking and driving - smart choice by me, unfortunate for innocent bar patrons. So without any party food to graze on I proceed to imbibe on an empty stomach. Things were going swimmingly and I met my friends from out of town, caught up on some news, had some more beer, and then shots were ordered. Soon after that I became surly, then angry, then offensive to the point of insulting friends and cursing aloud. My out of town friends would not contact me the rest of the weekend, so I must owe them an apology.

Bleak Outlook – The football Vols managed to eke out a 34-3 victory over the lowly Bulldogs of Starkville last Saturday night, but don’t let the score fool you into thinking it was a pushover. Leading only 6-3 at halftime the Vols looked anemic at best before gaining momentum in the 3rd quarter, then adding 2 late INT returns for touchdowns in the 4th to pad the score. Well, congratulations Phil on your first SEC victory midway through the season. Enjoy it before Nick Saban and Alabama come to town next week and paint the town Crimson.

Apparently the fans have decided to save their time and money, judging from the empty parking lots and campus area early afternoon. I realize it was a 7:00 pm kickoff, but if we were even ½ decent there would be traffic jam on the strip and downtown area with tailgaters. These photos were taken around 1:30 – 2:00 pm – pathetic. Those aren’t Halloween decorations you see, the Fort has been abandoned by hopeless UT students!

A friend who is a liquor sales rep told me their orders/sales on the strip are down about 30%. For those of you unfamiliar with the restaurant/bar industry, that is very significant. Most of the bars on the strip have traditionally counted on football season to boost sales and keep them afloat all year. Bruce Pearl has become their savior the past two seasons with a reinvigorated basketball team that takes up the slack of a lackluster football program. We’re now a hoops school, yea!

Season Change – Whiskey Season is nigh! After a perfectly sunny & warm day last weekend for Brewers Jam, the cool weather has arrived and fall feels like it’s supposed to in East TN. I’m looking forward to enjoying a bottle of Maker’s Mark or Jameson’s, maybe as soon as this week. I’ll try to behave myself as not to further offend Scarlett, King Randall, my bartender friends, my neighbors, and even no-name strangers. Be warned Tag Berauscht & Lord von Lord – I’m an arsehole!!


Lunch Drinks

Ahhhh yes, nothing like a satisfying lunch few beers at noon to set you up for the day. One of the (not really) guilty pleasures I enjoy from time to time is having a cold beer or two with my first meal of the day, which is almost always at lunch since I don’t eat breakfast in the morning. It isn’t something I do very often, but I never deny myself the pleasure of enjoying a good brew if the mood strikes me. Frankly I’m surprised I don’t see more people doing the same thing, but more often I realize I’m the only person in the restaurant/pub that dares to have a drink during working hours. Sometimes I’m confused by the other diners’ expressions when they see me sipping a frosty one: Is that person glaring in my direction because I’m a dirty, drunk, loser alcoholic that has to drink to stop the ongoing shakes of delirium tremens, or is he envious because I have the gonads to order a beer with my sandwich while he gulps sweet tea or Dr. Pepper before skulking back to the office? Either way, I don’t care. I’m going to drink my damn beer, stare all you want.

America is a curious society; the South is even more so with all the religious nonsense and neighborly tradition of nosiness that pervades every aspect of our day to day lives (hence the anonymity of the authors). Why is it so damning to have a legal drink or two with lunch, and how did we reach this point? I guess you could cite the Protestant work ethic that shaped Western society, or the failed U.S. experiment that was Prohibition. These days it’s more likely employers’ insurance liability issues for that force an unjust work policy. Choose any theory you want, but these are modern times. Look at the Euros – those bastards out-drink us 2 or 3 to 1 per capita and they seem to be doing just fine. When I temporarily worked in London as a barkeep many years ago it wasn’t uncommon to see patrons have 4-5 beers for lunch before heading back to finish up for the day. The Germans have “biergartens” at the workplace. The Spaniards invented the siesta so they could go home to eat, drink and rest before coming back to work in the evening. The Irish……………. well never mind them. All I’m saying is that we’re too uptight compared to the rest of the Westernized world.

All of that speculative BS aside, there are just too damn many good foods that go with beer:

· Fish and chips
· Pizza
· Hamburger, cheeburger, chip chip chip
· Nachos
· Buffalo wings

Okay, those aren’t exactly the meals I have every day for lunch, but I bet you’re salivating right now wishing for one of them and your favorite beer. Chances are that if you’re reading this, you aren’t one of the snobby prudes sneering over your ice water at me as I quaff my IPA at lunch. But just maybe you’re one of those folks who are afraid to risk a brewski during work hours lest a coworker or friend of the boss rat your ass out and try to get you fired. Two words my friend: Fuck Them. You work hard and deserve your due. It isn’t like a beer or two is going to make you too drunk to function at your job, not after that ¼ lb cheeseburger and ½ lb of french fries sitting in your stomach. Go ahead and order a cold one, you’ll feel better for it. Trust me.

For those of you who wish to learn more about the fine art of drinking on the job I recommend you visit Modern Drunkard Magazine and learn from the masters of boozing.

Friday Thoughts

Got a few things on the horizon for the weekend, but first I’d like to acknowledge the fellow drunk ahead of me in line at the Pilot this morning who was purchasing a 24 oz Icehouse. I appreciate your early morning commitment to drinking, even if it is a shitty beer. Not sure if he was coming from or going to work, but an 8:00 am beer sounds good either way.

I’m debating whether I should attend a party later tonight. There really shouldn’t be any question since it has an OPEN BAR which we all know means FREE BOOZE. The down sides are that it is a corporate-type, work related party where people don’t know me as the drunk I really am, and that it is an early Halloween party and costumes are encouraged. Fuck! I don’t think I could look my liver in the eye if I didn’t take advantage of this situation, so I’ll probably go. There’s no way I’ll dress in costume since I haven’t given it a thought this year. I just have to decide if I want to bring along a drinking pal to take advantage of the gratis hooch, we’ll see.

MSU comes to town to play the Vols on Saturday and with that comes the chance we’ll get “Croomed”, which will put an end to questions about our future coaching situation. With our current mess of a program I don’t even care much about the game this weekend. However I do have some friends visiting from out of town that are MSU alumni and look forward to seeing them since it’s been a while since we’ve hung around and drank. These guys are from Mississippi and love to drink beer, smoke cigarettes, curse and talk shit. And they drink bourbon too. They’re good at what they do, even if it is in support of the lowly Bulldogs.


Great Drunks of the Silver Screen 6.0

I give you Richard Burton:

Strengths: Welsh, athletic prowess, cars

Weaknesses: Marriage, man-whoring, insomnia

Another in a long line of hard boozing actors from the UK, this Welsh bastard is well known the world over for his wide range of vocal talents and for nailing twentieth century hot actress ass. Hell, his decades long love/hate relationship with the iconic Elizabeth Taylor is the stuff of tabloid gold. Excuse me, I mean The Paper.

Burton was all but abandoned by his father, although Burton said he took many of his father's traits. He was loquacious, passionate, and violent. My kind of chap.

In post war Britain, Burton fell in with the likes of John Gielgud(Fucking A Hobson) and the venerable Michael Redgrave...this circle of fog breather boozers introduced him to Judy Garland and Humphrey Bogart, the latter and Burton becoming fast friends. In fact, many of Burton's early work was predicated by word of mouth accounts of his acting while drinking in pubs.

Though nearly everyone with a pulse is aware of the bizarre and lurid details of his marriages to Liz, what many folks aren't aware of is Burton's other notorious and lecherous behavior. (Fucker was in Equus after all) Burton attempted to nail Joan Collins, and after being rebuffed was reputed to consort with the elderly, interracial, and homosexual behavior. Deviant fucking Welshman. In fact, shortly after their interaction Burton is allegedly to have told Collins he would sleep with a snake if it wore a skirt. Damn, that's nasty.


Gunter Schlierkamp

One thing we failed to mention about Knoxville Brewers Jam is that Gunter "Schlemmer" Schlierkamp of Beerfest was there. Okay not really there, but there was a huge, muscle-bound mofo that was almost as big. Whoever he was I don't think anybody was going to mess with him. We had a good laugh quoting "I remember my first bier" repeatedly before mocking the shitty beers that tasted like "the urine of a ram" or more simply, "rams piss".


Beerfest Review Mk Zwei

By now you have read Mackey's accurate and glowing review of the Twelth Annual Brewers' Jam. Let me first say that proper credentials are the tits. Only shitheels and mendicants get in the gate with conventional tickets. Shame and woe unto your familial line, douche.

God, you luckless dandies and sit-down-pissers missed an afternoon party. Thanks to the bedshitting that is the football season, each of us 3,500 drunks in attendance were able to enjoy a fall Saturday in mutual fidelity and comradeship. As Mackey blogged earlier, this is the only time of the year that I can see fans of The Beatles and Dead mingle with supporters of The Clash and Iggy Pop...who in turn chug with Megadeth and Dethklok fans. Truly it is a halycon day.

In the above photo, taken about 1/4 of a ship's hour before the actual opening, we can see the relative calm before the storm. It's weird, like Egypt before the locusts. Speaking of pestilence, look at these freaks...as Mackey said: like kids out of school.

Except for that queer sumbitch in the middle, it's like an invasion swarming your mined emplacements and murder holes. Christ, you drunks be patient!

Unlike Mackey, I did see some bad behavior. Look folks, when the cops catch you in a restricted area you are screwed. That's true of the beat cop, let alone the command level police officer that ran off a smartass couple and cited them for PI. I'm not a friend of oppressive law enforcement by any means, but when he gives you not one, but two chances to walk away...well then Neil Young and your Yoko of a wife, you need to take it. Seriously. I give props to KPD for showing calm and restraint. Only when pushed(figuratively) did this supervisor assert his authority. They and KFD demonstrated professionalism at this event.

Towards the end of the evening, following trips to see the UT-UGAy debacle, the weather petered out and became most sublime.

Nice. Real nice. This is one of the premier events of the year...and I don't say that just because the food vendors gave me free shit. It's a gentle atmosphere, best enjoyed from your pals in the industry:
Sumbitch it was hot outside the tents. Did I mention that? ESAD.

Knoxville Brewers Jam

Another hugely successful Brewers Jam is in the books. Saturday turned out to be a perfect day - the weather was hot and sunny, the beer was cold and plentiful, and everybody there had a great time. I had the privilege to sneak in a little bit ahead of time and see some things behind the scenes. While nothing about that was exciting, the best part of being there early was watching the gates open right at 1 pm and seeing the flood of people stream in and race to the beer tents. It looked like the last day of school let out and the kids were starting summer vacation.

The line wasn't as large as last year, mostly because the organizers chose to sell fewer tickets. I guess it worked out fine because the beer lines never backed up too long and there definitely was more open space to move around this year. There were also tons of police working to manage the crowd, and I only saw one incident where the police had to escort a man out but it was the most civil and easy-going situation I've ever witnessed. I never heard of anything else happening that day.Like I said, it was a hot, sunny day. Luckily there was a cool breeze throughout the afternoon, but finding a spot in the shade of a beer tent was better than anything - you could refresh your beer and take a break from the heat.
Lots of people dressed up and this guy rocked the full "Beerfest" ensemble. There were beer goggles, beer t-shirts, beer hats, funky boots, goth girls & guys, 1970's starlets, punks, dweebs, losers, dickheads...you get the idea.

There were some favorite new beers, and some bad ones too. I was looking forward to the Old School ale by Asheville but found it way too sweet, however I was told the Shiva IPA was excellent. Lucky Kat IPA by Magic Hat was one of my favorites, Unibroue had some strong ales that everybody kept talking about. Thomas Creek, Highland Brewing, Catawba Valley, Foothills Brewing Company, Duck Rabbit and Yuengling were others I tried that all brought their A game.

And of course our local boys at Woodruff Brewing Company and Downtown Grill & Brewery represented in full force with 4 of their brews. IPA is my favorite and what I drank most of the time between sampling the other stuff.
Overall I had a blast and I think most of our group did too. Last year was more fun and exciting since it had been a long time since I'd been there; this year was almost as fun but better planned out and I made it through the day without personal injury or loss. The absolute best part of the day happened mid-afternoon as a group of us were standing around drinking and carrying on when a hot, beautiful girl stumbled right through our circle exposing a perfect boob and kept going. We gawked quickly and just stared at each other before laughing and wondering what the hell just happened. So there you have it - beer, good weather and surprise public nudity. It doesn't take much to keep this group happy. Maybe throw in a footlong corndog and call it a good day.

4.5 out of 6

A quick follow up about my Friday predictions, I'm 4.5 out of 6. I called a close game for the Vols to lose, but they didn't have much of a chance at the end so I'll take half credit for calling the loss. I didn't lose my cell phone, but didn't lose my camera either so that's a 1-1 push. The Bengals remain winless, I was hung over Sunday, and the biggest win is that The Bird did in fact defeat the Cowboys to shock the NFL world. Remember I called it here first!


Friday Predictions

  • I will NOT lose my cell phone at Brewers Jam only to have it returned later next week by a Scandinavian exchange student like last year
  • The Volunteers will play a tough, close game vs. the hated Georgia Bulldogs and have a chance to win the game in the 4th quarter but will lose on a late redzone turnover
  • The "Bird" of AZ will host and defeat the Cowboys this weekend to shock the NFL world and piss off Lord von Lord
  • The Bengals will remain winless
  • Instead of losing my cell phone at Brewers Jam I will lose my camera, thus preventing me from posting any pictures next week
  • I will be hungover at work on Sunday, but at least my boss won't be there to smell me

24 Hours 'til KBJ

This is the KBJ scene around 8:00 a.m. this morning. As you can tell there is not a lot happening. About 24 hours from now there will be a horde of people queued up licking their chops for tasty beer. If last year was any indication the line will stretch all the way down 11th Street and wind onto Cumberland Ave and move slow as molasses. A bit of front-loading may be required if you're the impatient type. It does take time to check IDs and issue wristbands, glasses, etc. but all good things are worth the wait.

This is the entrance table where they will distribute the tiny glasses (about 3-4 oz) for "sampling" all the fine beer. This is also the starting line where the stampede of drunks rush the lawn to claim their picnic spots with blankets and chairs before hurrying to the vendors to get a head start on all the slow pokes not eager enough to show up hours ahead of time.

The weather forecast has been upgraded to Sunny and 83 degrees, so bring your sunglasses, hat, sunscreen, and maybe a folding chair. Or just flop directly on the ground when you feel necessary like I did last year. There is plenty of live music, some free giveaways, and food vendors too, so bring cash if you're planning to eat. I will dine on the southern delicacy that is: the Footlong Corndog. One thing about drinking as much beer as you can, as fast as you can, is that it tends to run through you at some point. There are the standard port-o-johns, but I believe they allow passes outside the gate and there are multiple restrooms at the adjacent World's Fair Park office just a few steps away. Try to taste as many brews as possible, be prepared for lines, enjoy some food, music and good weather. This is going to be a great beerfest.


Off Topic - Comcast Sucks

I could go off about how Comcast has stuck it to me personally over the past 10 years since I've lived in Knoxville. I'm sure most of you have a similar opinion, or at least a story. I'll spare you my whining, bitching and moaning and keep this brief:

Any time there is a significant rain storm passing though town it totally ruins our Comcast connection at work
  • Good if you don't want to get any work done
  • Bad if you want to fuck around online and ignore work
  • Doubly bad if you have work to do in addition to fucking around on the Internet
I hate them


KBJ Countdown: 4 Days...

The Knoxville Brewers Jam is a mere 4 days away and I couldn't be more excited. What could be better than enjoying beautiful fall weather and drinking flavorful, fresh beer all afternoon long? The current forecast for Saturday is mostly sunny with a high of 82 - perfect! Tag Berauscht has previewed a good number of the brewers that will participate at the Jam this weekend, and following his example I would like to introduce a regional favorite that has served us well in the past, Foothills Brewing Company.

The folks in Winston-Salem, NC have a pretty good local brewery to call their own. I was lucky enough to sample their brew a couple of years ago when visiting W-S for a Davis Cup tie with Lord von Lord. Arriving at the Joel Coliseum thirsty for a beer I was sorely disappointed when I got to the concession stand and saw the standard, shitty offerings of domestic beer. I was resigned to drinking this through the weekend if necessary, so I got us a couple of Butweipers and went to find our seats. It was only a few minutes later when we found our seats and noticed a beer vendor situated directly beside our entrance - it was Foothills Brewing. Fortune had spread her legs for us and we took full advantage of this offering. We drank their beer for 3 straight days and got our fill of the Salem Gold and Pilot Mountain Pale Ale.

These are both good beers and I suspect at least one of them to be on hand at KBJ this weekend, probably the Salem Gold. As you can see in the image above the alcohol volume is lower than a lot of beers and it is a light, easy drinking beer. Check out their website for a full list of their brews and hope they bring a couple you want to try. For example, I would like them to bring the Seeing Double IPA but it just ain't gonna happen. They have a nice list of seasonal brews that they could bring also: German Alt, Scottish Ale, Oktoberfest, Maibock, etc. Maybe even the Sexual Chocolate for no other reason to show off their impressive art work of a strong, black woman representing their Imperial Stout.

I returned to Winston-Salem earlier this year for another Davis Cup tie and stayed closer to town and was able to visit their brewery restaurant a few times. I practically lived there during my stay and recommend a visit if you happen to find yourself there (the fish & chips kick ass). I think I remember having their brown ale, definitely had their ESB, Pilsner and aforementioned Seeing Double IPA. Basically I don't think you will have a problem enjoying their beer. Just find a style that fits your taste and give it a try.

Some things that suck

Damn you Knoxville. Splash pads and fountains may play well with the average dolt of a citizen that blindly looks at parks and greenways on face value as signs of culture. Meanwhile, those of us with a basic understanding of filth and disease shake our heads in disgust. Since this sign was clearly a post-poop afterthought, no one in a position of authority dared think that degenerate parents would allow their Hellish drop to prance about non-treated water in diapers. Just fucking awful.

Damn you Fulmer. A common refrain these days in Big Orange Country, made all the more relevant given the lackluster victory over a lackluster opponent. The collapse of the college football season means ill tempers and a social epidemic of drinking away one's sorrows. Though we here believe in 'drinking our way through it' as described last week, it would be pleasant to have a reason to celebrate. Instead, the evenings following a UT game are not the festive events like they were during my college days. Saturday night was like a leper colony sans the hope.

Damn you wine hangover. Look, since the dawn of civilization and grape-stomping, people have grappled with the dehydrated headaches of drinking too much vino. Following last week's WOTW festival on the river, my head was pounding like a full-on artillery barrage. I've been to three of these things and nothing goes totally right for me. As an event, it's a great deal of fun. A varied selection of wine and food from local and regional vendors, plus its for charity so you can fool yourself that you are part of something better than swilling wine on Friday(which you would be doing anyway, drunkie).

Damn you Cleveland Browns fans.

Mother of God, look at this asshole. While I endorse pelting non-performers with rotten vegetables and C-cell batteries(similar damage to D batteries, but lighter) I cannot help wanting to become the biggest shill and program homer when faced with the likes of this 'fan'

Damn you local schmucks. While walking through the World's Fair Park Saturday I once again lamented the lack of a rocking bar in the former L&N. When I was a boy, it was the first place I really can remember people getting plastered. I wanted to be one of those patrons and eagerly looked forward to drinking there on my eighteenth birthday. Two things prevented me from doing so: The utterly capricious decision to bump the drinking age to twenty-one, and the asshole jerks that seem to have their fingers in everything. Sure, nothing escaped the financial turmoil after 82 down there, but gradually business and life has returned to the Park, be it in the Sunsphere or Convention Center. The meddling historic assholes and nebulous power players in this town can't agree on what to do with the place. It's a shame. Sitting on that enclosed patio looking over the Park would be a capital locale for casual boozing.

Come down to the Brewer's Jam this weekend and see if you agree about the L&N. Failing that, you can at least get some sweet beer action. That, at least, will not suck.