Odds and Ends

Just a couple of tidbits from the nation and world.

First, from the boozing folks at Asylum, we have a bar in Chicago that is among a handful that allows the patron to self-serve a set amount of beer. Pretty good start to something I've often wanted during busy, three-deep customers at the bar type nights.

http://www.asylum.com/2010/03/10/table-top-beer-tap-serve-yourself-bull-and-bear-bar-chicago/

Second, if you've read this tepid blog since its inception you'll know that we like to recognize absurdly strong drinks and other gimmicks of the clever brewer or distiller. Behold "Sink the Bismarck" an absurd IPA style that comes with a cork or stopper to extend the shelf life. Available from the UK, you can really taste the powerful ale and desire to relive great naval engagements. No word if we can expect other beers to commemorate the sinking of the Tirpitz or Scharnhorst.

http://brewdog.com/product.php?id=47

Efficiency

As in uptight German efficiency, but you know, with beers. Also, the Krauts* are big on revenge so it fits with the season. That's pretty much the end of the correlation though.

We pride ourselves on attaching useless numbers and values to our drinking. For example, we prefer to boat on a craft with a high BPH quotient. What's that? Why Beer-Per-Hour value of course. The performance of the boat itself is meaningless if you can't get drunk in a hurry and remain shitfaced for hours on end. A speedboat that may haul ass is thus useless if it cannot support enough cooler space for the thirsty passengers. Conversely, a lumbering cruiser is useless if it takes too long to get back to dock for more beer** even if it can otherwise maintain a large number of boozers for a set time. A few years back yours truly and venerated compatriot Sweet Tooth tried to knock back the little 8 oz bastards of High Life...thinking that they would get colder faster and not have the lukewarm dregs we all face towards the end of a longneck.

Big. Fucking. Mistake. We went through two full packs of those little bastards before taking the first turn out of the dock. Turn back around, try again. Conversely, drinking tall boys on the lake is also disrecommended. Takes too long, beer gets warm, and the BPH suffers accordingly...to say nothing of how dumb a koozie looks on them.

Back to the last night. We are, of course, mug club members from waaaaaay back. Drinking on Tuesdays at the Brewery is cheap and you get loaded on IPA pints. Add the four ounces extra from the mug and you are getting the best deal in town. That's the truth. You can roll out of there for right at ten bucks(tip them well though) and be quite polluted.

Beerficiency is not a mere matter of ounces though, timing is also key. Every sound drunkard should be aware of specials and where to get soused on the cheap. Turns out that Wednesdays at the Brewery are quite good as well. Two-dollar pints(same as happy hour) for club members. Still the best deal, but the added 50 cents*** reduces the beerficiency accordingly.

Also timing is key. A new club member these days will have to wait for the bartender to fetch their mug...depending on how new you are, that is akin to Herakle's labors. Whereas we old fucks have ours on the low rung and the employee can get it, fill it, and you drink it quick as Pan. Beerficiency is a tricky thing, so I encourage each reader here to ask: "Am I really making the best use of my time and drinking dollar?"

For purposes of this action, I'm not including drinking at home in this formula...sure it's cheap to drink a twelve pack, but that's not entirely the point. Ridicule is also a part of this science. You can tell your dog or cat at home that you are shitfaced on Southpaw and they won't care. Smugly reminding the aging trollop with the nine dollar appletini**** that she's needlessly wasting cash is something else entirely. Mockery and pettiness are driving factors here at DK.


* The ones driving Panzers, not the pussies of today
**Buying boat dock beer is for fucking idiots
***Be certain to point out the outrage of paying the extra 50 cents
****Appletinis suck beyond belief and therefore you for ordering one

Ineibriated Drunkerds

Alright listen up! You have been assigned to this unit for one thing and one thing only: Killing Nazis! Wait. Actually no, this isn’t an army unit at all. But we’re drunkerds and damn fine ones to boot. We’re in the drinkin’ business and business is good. You are hereby ordered to consume as much booze as possible – beer, liquor and wine – by any means necessary, day and night, week night or weekend, with or without companions. I want you to have running tabs at multiple bars. I want you to initiate pub crawls, with strangers if necessary. I want you to stay out late, drain your wallet, then cadge drinks from the unsuspecting. Then I want you to start fresh and do it all over the next day, as soon as you come to and find your bearings, hopefully without having to post bail. Got it? Good! Now go out there and consume that delicious, sweet alcohol that we all love so damn much. What? Don’t feel like it today? We do not have room for dandy-locks! If somebody wants to drink with Hitler (#13) that is simply unacceptable! Now get out there and start drinkin’!

This can't possibly go wrong

Courtesy of those wacky Germans that now own PlayMobil, I give you this:

Gotta love the Periodic Table of wine.

Behold the Wine-Tasting Party Playset. This gem of toy goodness is currently stirring up controversy with the uptight brigade, feeling that this particular series will glamorize drinking to children. While I have mixed feelings on kids being around booze( oh yes, we all know that) I'm not sure this is something for society to get worked up over.

You see, these PlayMobil things have been around in some form or fashion since I was a kid. It's a bastard amalgam of Fisher Price and the Lego figurines in obscure settings. There was even a McDonald's playset many years ago that presumably demonstrated the joy of food service to an entire cadre of sullen Gen X'ers like yours truly. Using such ahem, logic, I can only auger that the wine playset won't make kids want to booze it up more than they might already. After all, most parents that knee-jerk against this kind of harmless item are the ones whose drunken barbarism is evident for little Dakota, Montana, and Chas to see every weekend. Hypocrisy is a bitch.

In a practical vein, this specific toy doesn't seem like it would hold a child's attention very well. What rugrat can pull his or her fat ass away from GTA 4 long enough to note the carafe, wine rack, and awful brown shoes...deciding right then and there for a life of unrepentant boozing and shitty behavior? *That usually comes later...with a delicious can of Coors Original but I digress*

Anyhoo...this little item might be better off for adults. The possibilities are endless. You can rehearse your pick-up lines, or wargame social scenarios without an actual bar tab. Lonely? Not anymore with these guys on your kitchen table. Give them weird names, if that twirls your beanie. They even bend at the waist so you can even simulate a horrific puking episode at the frat house.

Fuck it. I'm getting one so the authors can re-enact the weekend for your viewing pleasure.

Product Review: Barenjager

Yes, we all know the translation. That's kindergarten shit.

This honey liqueur from The Fatherland tastes like one might expect by even a cursory glance at the bottle: Honey and pain.

While researching this stuff, I found the recipes for actual cocktails and cordials more offensive than a klan meeting, so I see no need to burden you with the laborious descriptions. Rather, I will give a few thoughts about the liquid itself. If you think it will taste like cough syrup, then you are on to something...however, it accomplishes this feat by still being more of a drink than potent sludge.

We stumbled across this basket wearing cocksucker a few years back. Like many of these European drinks it had a brief period of cachet among our group...usually by the last person to buy a round of shots once Jager, 'schlager, Jamesons, and Patron had all been purchased.

I'm not saying it is as vile as slivovitz(fuck no) but it can cause problems. One should take care not to be encouraged by the little Grateful Dead show prancing about on the bottle weave. This stuff packs a punch. Fortunately, most of my pubs and bars have begun viewing Barenjager as a purely specialist drink with few takers.

Personally I think it is another confused European drink that further clouds my judgment.

Lunch Drinks

Ahhhh yes, nothing like a satisfying lunch few beers at noon to set you up for the day. One of the (not really) guilty pleasures I enjoy from time to time is having a cold beer or two with my first meal of the day, which is almost always at lunch since I don’t eat breakfast in the morning. It isn’t something I do very often, but I never deny myself the pleasure of enjoying a good brew if the mood strikes me. Frankly I’m surprised I don’t see more people doing the same thing, but more often I realize I’m the only person in the restaurant/pub that dares to have a drink during working hours. Sometimes I’m confused by the other diners’ expressions when they see me sipping a frosty one: Is that person glaring in my direction because I’m a dirty, drunk, loser alcoholic that has to drink to stop the ongoing shakes of delirium tremens, or is he envious because I have the gonads to order a beer with my sandwich while he gulps sweet tea or Dr. Pepper before skulking back to the office? Either way, I don’t care. I’m going to drink my damn beer, stare all you want.

America is a curious society; the South is even more so with all the religious nonsense and neighborly tradition of nosiness that pervades every aspect of our day to day lives (hence the anonymity of the authors). Why is it so damning to have a legal drink or two with lunch, and how did we reach this point? I guess you could cite the Protestant work ethic that shaped Western society, or the failed U.S. experiment that was Prohibition. These days it’s more likely employers’ insurance liability issues for that force an unjust work policy. Choose any theory you want, but these are modern times. Look at the Euros – those bastards out-drink us 2 or 3 to 1 per capita and they seem to be doing just fine. When I temporarily worked in London as a barkeep many years ago it wasn’t uncommon to see patrons have 4-5 beers for lunch before heading back to finish up for the day. The Germans have “biergartens” at the workplace. The Spaniards invented the siesta so they could go home to eat, drink and rest before coming back to work in the evening. The Irish……………. well never mind them. All I’m saying is that we’re too uptight compared to the rest of the Westernized world.

All of that speculative BS aside, there are just too damn many good foods that go with beer:

· Fish and chips
· Pizza
· Hamburger, cheeburger, chip chip chip
· Nachos
· Buffalo wings

Okay, those aren’t exactly the meals I have every day for lunch, but I bet you’re salivating right now wishing for one of them and your favorite beer. Chances are that if you’re reading this, you aren’t one of the snobby prudes sneering over your ice water at me as I quaff my IPA at lunch. But just maybe you’re one of those folks who are afraid to risk a brewski during work hours lest a coworker or friend of the boss rat your ass out and try to get you fired. Two words my friend: Fuck Them. You work hard and deserve your due. It isn’t like a beer or two is going to make you too drunk to function at your job, not after that ¼ lb cheeseburger and ½ lb of french fries sitting in your stomach. Go ahead and order a cold one, you’ll feel better for it. Trust me.

For those of you who wish to learn more about the fine art of drinking on the job I recommend you visit Modern Drunkard Magazine and learn from the masters of boozing.

Rooked!

Why so serious?

Well so far this Autumn has been steaming load of manure. Apart from my awesome rocking birthday, things are going down the rabbit hole in a hurry. Let's review some of the local and indeed, national woes that are getting on my nerves.

First, the Vols are sucking major balls. The completely inept play is a reflection of the coaching staff's baffling stubborness to adapt to the 21st century game. Special teams have been awful(offal) for years. The Vols have given up seven TD's on returns since 2005. Despite reassurance from the staff those problems will be addressed, it never has been. There is no discipline on the field, particularly on offense and the defense is dreadful on third down. Couple these on-field issues with the UTAD's moronic handling of the head coach's contract in Summer and the fan base is in uproar:

Mass hysteria. Cats and dogs living together, as Dr. Venkman has stated.

Also locally, despite oil dropping to a relatively low 90-something a barrel, gas here is as scarce as in Max's post nuclear Australia. Look for bikers, assless chaps, and a dramatic shortage of blowers for muscle cars. This was my morning commute:

Whimsical, no?

Nationally speaking, the body politic reels in the bitter taste of rescues and bailouts of rich assholes and morons that don't understand interest rates and sub-prime lending. Even now, our fearless dolts debate a bill that will give 700 thousand million dollars of our money to these pricks. So, we have economic crises to deal with...plus Ivan and his rusting arsenal rattling his Cossack swords, high energy costs, Lindsay and SamRo, and the always evident threat of alien invasion without the necessary weaponry to repel the ravenous hordes:

Truly these are interesting times, or so the fortune cookie has told me.

Anyhoo, one might ask if there is anything good going on right now. The answer gentle reader is yes. Oktoberfest. Let us all channel the goodwill and drinking karma from Munich...

In short, the authors here believe in one simple and salient truth: When the shit hits the fan, you DRINK YOUR WAY THROUGH IT.

While You're Working

This is pretty cool. A new product for those times when you're at your computer and need a cold beer but can't find a damn bottle opener. Leave it to the Germans to add another functional tool for drinking.

I found this while browsing online today

From the official website:

USB stick CO with bottle opener The USB stick CO is a mobile data storage device in a solid, brushed aluminium housing. It is special because it incorporates an extra bottle opener function combining practical data storage with a thirst-quenching aid that is always to hand. The USB stick CO has a Hi-Speed USB 2.0 connection for extra-fast data transfer (read rate: 25 MB/s, write rate 12 MB/s). It is bootable, pre-formatted and ready for immediate use without a driver. The USB stick CO is suitable for Windows® 2000, XP, Vista, Mac® OS X and Linux® from Kernel 2.6.x. It is available with 1, 2, 4, 8 and 16 GB of memory.

See, I told you it was cool. Kinda makes me thirst for a cold brew right now.

Löwenbräu

In only the 2nd of many product reviews we intend to bring you, may I present: Löwenbräu. Yes, that Löwenbräu. Imported Bavarian beer. Beer your parents drank. This beer is the surprise hit of 2008 with our bunch of sots. Just like that old friend who you haven’t seen or heard from in forever that shows up and rocks the house and makes you wonder how you ever drifted apart, this is that beer-friend. Willkommen zu Hause!! Several weeks ago while sitting at the bar with Lord von Lord I ordered one on impulse and I’m glad I did. Soon enough we were both drinking them down and recalling the nostalgic jingle and recreating unknown scenes of the 1970’s as our elders tippled this fine brew. Just this past weekend we met at the bar and ordered ‘em up aplenty. We had a blast as always and of course were obnoxious to boot. (sings) “Here’s to good friends Tonight is something special…”

On with the review; first their’s from the official website:

When trying to impress a beautiful Fraulein, order her a Löwenbräu. Once it arrives at the table, lean in close and say: Did you know…Löwenbräu is a traditional Munich-style beer that’s exclusively imported from the Löwenbräu brewery in Munich. Löwenbräu Original Lager beer is made from the highest quality ingredients giving it a superb natural head, golden color, distinctive, refreshing flavor and a pleasant, enjoyable aftertaste. Brewed according to the Bavarian “Reinheitsgebot” (Purity Law) dating back to 1516.

Yes, a very professional, accurate description. They even use sexual motivation as an incentive to learn more about their fine beer just like we do!

Now my review:
I agree. What can I say better than they do? It is natural, golden, distinctive, refreshing flavor with a pleasant, enjoyable aftertaste. Okay it also:

• Goes well with shots (even Jagermeister)
• Tastes better than any domestic macro brew
• Goes with whatever you’ve been drinking all day and night to keep the good times rolling
• May even impress an American girl, but I doubt it
• Did I mention the catchy jingle?

I encourage all of you to go out and drink this fine-ass beer this weekend, especially if you haven't tried it before. But I warn you, once that damn jingle gets in your mind it is impossible to ignore. And why would you ignore it? Tonight is something special. The beer you'll pour must be something more. So tonight, let it be Löwenbräu!