One of These Beers...

• I will win the lottery and quit my job
• I will finish that thing
• I will go to Niceley's near the strip for a burger and beer
• Or will I?

That's all I've got. Honestly I was going to post some kind of list about drinking and a lame apology about being too busy to blog and hope to skate by for a while longer. Then I stumbled when spelling Niceley's, the second e gets me, but a quick Google search revealed a local blog that warned "Never go to..." and I got hooked. It sounded like it would be a very dramatic story but was basically your typical shitty service experience, which does suck. As ususal, the commenters keep fanning the flame.

Finally another blogger willing to bitch and complain once in a while.

Edit: More

Interlude

Those were drinking days, and most men drank hard.

-A Tale of Two Cities

Boy that was some shit Monday huh? If the actual shock of sitting through that solid mass of water wasn't a kick enough for the balls, the cringing at seeing so many up to their asses in that nasty mess certainly will. Once again, Mother Nature brings the heat and I'll be damned if she doesn't have one more ace up her sleeve. Of course, we recommend copious boozing to erase the taste of this event, and while you are at it lend a hand to those with damaged homes and vehicles.

So before I tell you why it's time to get back to drinking, let me first preface by saying that the good people here with the Second Harvest Food Bank got walloped and lost a good bit of supplies. Worse, there is damage to their hardware which complicates the already tenuous collection effort. I am told there is an ad hoc and improvised effort from our friends at Downtown Grill and Brewery to organize aid for Second Harvest, so if you are a local business that can help there is a good place to start. In addition, one can always donate directly at the effort's website:

http://www.secondharvestknox.com/ as well learn more about what they are facing after the waters receded.

Okay, now for some motivation. Today is Beer Day in Iceland, where Reykjavik recognized the complete folly of 75 years of prohibition and allowed beer (as we know it) to resume its rightful place in 1989. Hoist one if you need a reason to drink on a Tuesday(we do not).

Also on March 1st(or 2nd in some climes) is the commemoration of the Feast of Vesta, the ancient ritual where the hearth fire was stoked.

Not exactly the Bacchanal but it's a start and a reason to shake off the Whiskey Season and look to the future. So in that spirit, lets get ready for proper Spring drinking-St. Patrick's Day is right around the corner, as well as a needed get-the-fuck-out-of-town happy fun times.

In Which I Rail About the Weather

Well you little son of a bitch, what's it going to be? Hmm? Do we get a timely and much needed Spring or will this miserable wet weather never end?

Half the country is buried under record snowfalls, but many of the lucky ones in those otherwise deadly urban traps will walk to local bars, and the rest of them should know to have ample stores of hooch at home. Keep the faith, folks.

For the last few weeks, we've bundled and medicated all in order to consume whiskey and drink as many strong beers as possible. Regardless of what the rat does in Pennsylvania tomorrow, this weekend is the Super Bowl, so we can all eat well then laugh at the expensive commercials. It's a sign of hipness and a badge of honor to show up Monday at work and still slightly reek. It's in the national character.

Once that holy of holy days is in the books however, yours truly is ready for warmer weather. St. Patrick's Day will loom large, as it always does in Knoxville(seriously, check out the Old City and Downtown that afternoon, you'll be surprised in the participation). Then come April, it's time for the fantastic street festival affectionately known as the Rossini Festival. Mackey has elaborated on that happy-as-shit fun time in previous entries, so maybe I will spell him and write this year's account. In the meantime, I'll continue to freeze my ass off...and pay attention to that gopher lookin' prick.

Football, Football, Football and Some Drinks

Here are some figures from the College Football Bowl Season Challenge I recently completed, plus some NFL games for good measure. I am not proud of this achievement.

First Bowl Game – December 18
Final Bowl Game – January 10
Total Bowl Games – 35

BONUS COLLEGE GAMES:

FCS Playoffs (formerly Division II) – 3 (2 SF, 1 Championship)

There was some overlap of games that I had to watch at home by switching channels back and forth, and on January 1 we went to a sports bar to take advantage of multiple screens. In addition to quality games with awesome players, trick plays and fantastic finishes, I also endured shitty games by shitty teams, blue and red football fields, and passed out at the end of blowout games several times. It wasn't a perfect feat, it was a drunken feat.

NFL GAMES:

Final 3 weekends of regular season (48 games total, no I didn’t watch them all) includes 1 Thursday game, 2 Monday night games, 1 Saturday/Christmas game and an odd Tuesday night game, the first one since 1946. Obviously it was impossible to watch all the NFL games simultaneously but the NFL Red Zone Channel has made it easier to keep up with what is going on.

NFL Playoffs – Wildcard weekend, 4 games

If my calculations are correct that is 90 games in 24 days. In other words: a fucking insane amount of football in a short time period. The NFL schedule inflates the total number, but I was able to take in about 50 of these games, an average of 2 per day, not too shabby.

THE BOOZE (estimated, shared amongst fiends):

Beer, Woodruff IPA – 1 keg
Vodka, bargain brands – 2 half gallons
Bourbon, Maker’s Mark, Johnny Drum & TJD – 3 fifths
Gin, Brokers – 1 fifth
Wine, various grapes – probably around ½ a case
Plus various bar tabs throughout downtown and the Cumberland strip

I will not attempt this next year, or ever again for that matter.

Nine millimeters of Luger

Let me just say I don't care for these electronic cigarettes. Not because I think those who use the insipid things are trying to skirt the smoking laws, rather I have found every single person who is using them in a bar setting to be a screaming douche.

I'm no smoking prude. In fact, among non-smokers you will find me the most pro-cancer stick. I lament the passing of smoking sections on planes and trains, and you will still see me frequent 21 and over bars that still allow smoking. This is America, and you should be able to kill your body however you please.

So last night I am downtown, and this older fellow was indulging in this tripe. He finagled his way to the center of his table, overpowering conversation and gesturing like a madman with his stupid damn stick. It lacks the couth and class of a pipe, sir. Worse, when your friends attempted to get your attention you would quickly pull your tiny Freudian cockstitute to your mouth and exhale a small amount of vapor into said friend's face. Feh. They really need to kick your ass.

Look, if the droat-wearing girls can stand outside in scarves and hideous boots to smoke during the cold January nights then you can too. I recognize that everyone probably doesn't engage in this low-level visual cocktardery when they activate their e cigarette. I beseech someone to step up and lead these misguided souls.

Happy 235th Birthday Marines

"The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!" Eleanor Roosevelt once said.

That’s an awesome quote. I’ll drink to that, see you at the bar.

Self-Immolation: In which I single-handedly destroy credibility

Specifically, by providing an exceptional rant for the ages...courtesy of serial guest Atlas. See, he's provided me with a metric shit ton of this:

So I am providing an opening for a bit of rage, directed with tremendous vigor at this bird, made relevant by today's passing of the actress that portrayed Rose's latter years during this sentimental 90's shit:

Buckle up:

Quick Links

First up, check this out if you believe that Tennesseans should be able to buy wine from grocery stores. Pretty concerted website here, more directed and focused than previous efforts we've seen.

http://www.redwhiteandfood.com/


And now comes this bizarre and somewhat terrifying piece. I mean I've had some whisky that tasted like piss but come on...

http://boingboing.net/2010/09/04/whiskey-from-diabeti.html

Kegs

As with most of you, we've been enjoying our summer evenings and weekends by getting loaded. We've been bayoneting kegs like The Somme and at remarkable speed no less.

Back in the college days, most young men will eventually acquire a full set of keg materials. Usually, you can get the keg pretty easily. The basin or trash can, for reasons I will shortly explain, can easily be obtained although it should come last. The tap is where most of us dipshit collegians run into trouble, so for a while you have to pay the damn deposit at Pilot.

And it had to be Pilot, because back then the Cumberland locale was the primary keg arsenal for the UTK student. Upon retrospect, I do wish there were more options but there was a reassuring and remarkable simplicity to obtaining a keg on short notice. The big yellow Pilot trash cans represented the epitome of serious drinking street cred, if your kegger sported the obscene yellow and red bastards, you were at a professional party. Utterly bizarre hierarchy. Also, if you had a backup tap(hubris) you were not to be trifled with in any capacity. What kind of rat bastard psycho has that kind of walking around change at 22?

Over the years, my items were passed along to a younger generation...which was good and proper. It also helps that Mackey and HL have kegerators, so I am cheating. They at times seem beset with attractive keg options...what with our fine friends at Woodruff and Bearden Beer Market leading the way. Pilot abides, as ever. Krogers and some of the nicer Ingles supermarkets will sell kegs in some capacity, and we've even seen a quick trip to Wallyworld bear some fruit. With great keg, comes great responsibility so choose your primary provider carefully. I mean, at least as much scrutiny as one's physician, since you'll be needing a score of those(conjecture).

Recently, during our trip to the Thunder Nationals, we had to go back to a fuck ton of bottled and canned beer which brings the usual logistical concerns. How much do we need? Coolers necessary? Of course, we started with a figure-and then doubled it. We still felt uneasy with that seemingly insignificant sum, so we invoked boozer pincet, by which we also buffet that beer with well over a gallon of liquor.

Terrible, terrible things.

Since it was frowned upon to wheel a keg in the grandstands anyway, we took our estimate for cooler ice and doubled it.

Still woefully inadequate, it turned out. Fortunately enterprising locals saved our asses by driving the ice truck from campsite to campsite. We salute this man for his American character and spirit. His timely delivery allowed all eight cases to perish with honor. He and Mackey engaged in a 20 minute conversation for some reason.

So as we return to the free-flowing greatness that is keg beer, we think back to that fuzzy and vague weekend with great fondness. At least kegerators don't require some hoary Norse iceman to pull our nuts out of the fire.

Some Thoughts

Things have been quiet around here for a while. Not that we haven’t been doing our share of drinking. Hell, maybe we’ve been boozing even more than usual, thus the lack of posts. Here is a bit of what’s been going on.

Pool drinking – Our friend upgraded his backyard pool to include a tiki bar that has kept things interesting. A pool is always a fun summertime destination. Throw in a HDTV, homemade kegorater, stocked bar/freezer and you’ve got some drinking to do. Wasted days and wasted nights indeed, thank you Freddy Fender.

Heat – if the insufferable heat doesn’t send you to the watering hole I don’t know what will. I mean, damn, it’s been too hot to go patio drinking. But I’ve noticed they’ll serve you indoors all the same. If that doesn’t work for you just load of the fridge with cold beer and sit on your ass drinking. I do it all the time.

NHRA weekend – a few of us loaded up and went to Bristol for the drag races. It was a hell of a motor event that impressed on many levels. More impressive was the sport-drinking we displayed. I won’t cover the entire list, let’s just say several cases of beer and over a gallon of Maker’s and Stoli didn’t make the trip back. Also a few other observations about the race:

• Bloody bulls and marys are a good way to start any day



• Lots of moustaches around the race track


• An alarming amount of male nipple rings on display


• Lots of rebel flags


• The campground ice delivery truck was impressive


• Mrs. Owl made an appearance
  
• Drunk breakfast tastes just as good on the road


• Sometimes you have to make your own shorts in the stands (not us BTW)
  
  

World Cup – Eh. We’ve covered this before. None of us are soccer fans. Nil. There has been a small effort to keep up with the USA squad but not much. I’ve personally been able to drink during two of our three games so I feel pretty good about that. The next game is this Saturday afternoon and I’m pretty sure there will be some beer consumed then. Looking forward to facing off against the Black Stars on their own continent.

Edit - Mrs. Owl is fashionably late.

Well

Yeah, I know. Deep subject right. Ziiinnnnnnnggggg.

In any event, Mackey will have to lead you here from now on. You see, I've made a few personal decisions that I'll admit are in conflict with my modest position here. I believe that as I've gotten a little older, a little more mature that I can't continue to drink without abandon or concern for social consequences. We've all got to grow up sometime, and I'm long overdue when it comes to this. Sure, owning my home and vehicle...holding down a steady job all those things are signs of responsible sane living. Getting torched in the morning for drunk breakfast? Not so much. So, I've got to bid you guys farewell. Maybe you'll see me at your local coffee shop or yard sale(if it's a weekend.) Best wishes, and maybe you should ask yourselves the hard questions with which I have been challenged.

I'm just fucking with you. Happy April Fool's Day assholes. If anything, I'm going to pour it on. Pun intended. April is a great month for drinking in Knoxville. Festivals, festivals, and more festivals. King Randall's always classic birthdays. Spring has fucking sprung. As we extend into year three around here, you'll find more bar reviews and more updates from familiar establishments. Cheers, ladies.

Monday Hangover

Literally. I’m hung over for the first time in a while following a week long quasi-bender that culminated Sunday night at Preservation Pub with beer and shots. I’ve been in the weeds at work and decided to deal with the stressful times by drinking my way through it, as usual. Not that I was getting shitfaced hammered every night but I definitely made sure to have 5 or 6 IPA dinner and random shots nightly to aid with rest and recuperation. It worked. I’ve easily made it through a rough week all thanks to inebriation. It was good to visit Pres Pub since I hadn’t been there in a while and it was unusually clear of smoke due to the doors being open with the warmer temperatures. I started off having Lowenbrau but was quickly goaded into Jager shots by serial drunkards KRTI and his Queen. Fine. I was ready for whatever came my way, except for the news that PP would no longer be selling Lowenbrau since their distributor was discontinuing that product. That and Mo’Nique winning an Oscar. Weird but whatever. I’ll miss my favorite imported beer. Maybe I’ll try She Wolf, I’ve heard it’s “ok”.

Old Man Winter's Ass

Shit, it's been cold lately. Yes, even Knoxville is getting a taste of the winter lash and though we are not faring as poorly as those dipshit friends of ours in the frozen north(Vermont) and Midwest(Illinois) the mercury is pretty low. Drinking down here when the temps hit the teens is a pretty rare thing, so be sure you novice boozers to put on your juice jacket along with your real jacket and glug your way through it. Already we've put down several bottles of Bookers, Maker's, GJ, as well as dropping ranks of Jamesons and Tullamore Dew. It's not called the Whiskey Season for nothing.

Ineibriated Drunkerds

Alright listen up! You have been assigned to this unit for one thing and one thing only: Killing Nazis! Wait. Actually no, this isn’t an army unit at all. But we’re drunkerds and damn fine ones to boot. We’re in the drinkin’ business and business is good. You are hereby ordered to consume as much booze as possible – beer, liquor and wine – by any means necessary, day and night, week night or weekend, with or without companions. I want you to have running tabs at multiple bars. I want you to initiate pub crawls, with strangers if necessary. I want you to stay out late, drain your wallet, then cadge drinks from the unsuspecting. Then I want you to start fresh and do it all over the next day, as soon as you come to and find your bearings, hopefully without having to post bail. Got it? Good! Now go out there and consume that delicious, sweet alcohol that we all love so damn much. What? Don’t feel like it today? We do not have room for dandy-locks! If somebody wants to drink with Hitler (#13) that is simply unacceptable! Now get out there and start drinkin’!

Alcohol > H1N1

You gotta hand it to those Russians, they won’t let a little flu virus stop them from anything.

Russian soccer fans have been told to drink whiskey on their trip to Wales for next month's World Cup qualifier to ward off the H1N1 swine flu virus, the head of the country's supporter association (VOB) said Monday.

"We urge our fans to drink a lot of Welsh whiskey as a form of disinfection," VOB head Alexander Shprygin told Reuters. "That should cure all symptoms of the disease." (Full story here)

That’s the kind of awesome advice I like to hear. I wonder if we’ll hear anything like that as UT football season approaches. Not that it matters, that is my year-round health plan anyway.

Grasshopper

In terms of willpower, I'm usually the weakest at happy hour. What I mean is that while yours truly will find a reason to get good and tucked at any time of the day or night these recent years have found me the most likely to buckle to pressure(peer or otherwise) right after work or early afternoon. Curious? Not really.

A wise man once said that the 'why' of any situation is secondary to the situation itself so let's hold off the enabling catalyst for just a second. Sunday afternoon I was roused from my hangover by a simple text indicating brunch(our definition of brunch is tilted more towards the booze side) at the Brewery. Even though I was milling about like some filthy hobo I was tidied, decently clothed, and on the road like a shot. You see I love drinking in the daylight, particularly at the Brew Pub. The authors have often talked about the joy of getting two-three strong beverages in the morning(indeed: drunk breakfast) and my enthusiasm does not wane in the afternoon. Strong IPA and shots followed of course, and the other denizens of downtown received a full bore viewing of the irresponsible cads I call drinking buddies.

But is it irresponsible? I know that some elements of society frown on getting a drink before the evening. Those elements can get fucked. Their views are as flawed as their inbred genetics. I've worked in an office environment since college and during that time I've seen countless studies on productivity, absenteeism, health, and all sorts of idiotic musings on booze and how it affects the American worker. Only in the fucked up days of HR departments do people waste time on this shit.

In the postwar era, particularly early on, there was a healthy number of Americans that boozed at work...and I don't mean the elegant functional bar the boss would have for entertaining. No, I mean said boss and his lieutenants would wink at the common drone with a fifth in his/her desk. The atmosphere was relaxed and productive because during those days people weren't nearly as nuts(conjecture, possible bullshit) and could handle both work and a slight buzz. As with all good things this awesome practice was buried during more recent decades(see uptight HR) and instead employees were encouraged to get shit-housed right after work at happy hour. This was the dominant trend in the 70's and 80's. Don't believe me? Go dig up any old beer commercial and you'll see at least half of them placed in such a setting.

(how awesome was this show...fuck you CBS)

Now these days every pussy and twat would prefer you not drink or smoke and indeed seek help...going so far in some extreme cases as to make weekend-only drinking a condition of employment.

Happy hour also has strong roots in basic productivity. For those in sales or a related field, a casual drink after hours might prove essential in landing an account or client. It would calm down a weary police officer or emergency worker. It would break the ice for a relationship and so on.

The south in general and Knoxville in particular is only now easing the outdated laws that have prevented such outings. Sunday mornings are no longer quite as restricted from a beer-buying perspective and in the past decade many local pubs and eateries are catering to a early morning brunch crowd.

It probably would be a poor decision if most of us just decided to take multiple days off and jeopardize our livelihoods(and thus the wherewithal to drink more) by rolling into a bar in the morning. That's not to say you're a shitty person if you decided to do so a once or twice on a jobsick/barwell kinda day. Indeed, in this age with many people working third shift or living in a large city that runs 24/7 you probably will fit right in with a new crowd of people all wanting to get tore up with you. Might make some friends.

Monday Haiku

Man, what a weekend: visitors from Florida(prick shorts trump jorts), old friends reacquainted, Prick of the Year updates, and naturally tons of booze. In a late attempt to summarize the weekend’s happenings without posting the usual occasional Monday Hangover I thought I would quarter-ass it with a few haikus. Please don’t mind the Tuaca L-Ds, Jager, Patron, Jameson’s, KBLWs or Maker’s. We took care of them already. And the keg took a beating. Good times.

Motherfucking shots
The one-two punch of drinking
Wallet and liver

Wait! No hugs from you
I will shake your hand instead
Damn that was ball hand

With short or long pants
Our official uniform
Knoxville in khaki

Six pairs of prick shorts
Yet give us grief for our stuff
And you wear K-Swiss

Cook something good once
Do not repeat for a while
Mackey leads contest

Happy Independence Day

Make the most of it.

News Flash! College Students Boozing!

Two little articles that should be shared today.

First from across the pond we have this expose or report about a debauched event at Cambridge.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2482111/Cambridge-students-vomit-and-collapse-after-wild-party.html

Read it if you want. Personally, I like The Sun. Of all the UK quasi-tabloids, I read it like a guilty pleasure. The pictures in this particular article are typical of what I saw back at UTK in the early and mid-90s. Nonetheless the tone is most disparaging and alarmist.

Couple that with this recent gem from Forbes:

http://www.forbes.com/feeds/hscout/2009/06/15/hscout628059.html?feed=rss_forbeslife_health

Again, read this propaganda piece if you want. See, most of Christendom has known about this (questionable) phenomena since time immemorial. Young people away from their parents get trashed and engage in outrageous behavior? No foolsies?

A more apt entry could have been found in your most recent copy of "No Fucking Shit Digest" or by word of mouth on any campus not founded by uptight religious folk. Even then, you'll find the little zealots getting tanked from time to time. You know what, those kids usually turn out okay for it as well. After all, JC was known to hang around some rough characters in the beginning.

The second piece in Forbes is quite familiar...because you see every five years or so some uptight "experts" bemoan the completely patriotic collegiate exercise of getting shit-housed and making very bad decisions. Said busybodies will then posit and offer all kinds of odious solutions that don't amount to jack-shit.

Here at DK, we try to keep our politics out of it...in fact, some of our stronger opinion is just that--and, like assholes we all have them(gauche phrase, but I'm rolling here) but this one time let me just say, fuck off nannies. Life is at times full of wonders both subtle and grotesque. It can be hard. It can be confusing. Once a person leaves home to get going on their own life, our recently acquired freedom will test us in many ways. Some will party hard and still manage to get a decent education. Others will make awful, shitty decisions that will forever screw up their life or someone elses. That is part of it, folks. Fate, or God, or Cthulhu, or whomever will cull the wheat from the chaff, and college is a part of that. Moreover, this activity is not restricted to the students...folks that choose another career path after high school are still quite capable of going on an epic bender. Veterans, tradesmen, barber college...you name it.

So drink on college students. Get written on, eat shitty food, pull your pants off, get arrested, nail that beastly troglodyte...whatever twirls your beanie. Just promise me that when you achieve a level of responsibility or position of power, that you won't turn into the hypocrite that dwells in all of us when our values are challenged by age.

/rant fucking over

You mean this isn't Memorial Day Weekend?

The good people at http://www.marriedtothesea.com/ have some excellent shit.

Damn. Another week till the summer becomes official in our tiny black hearts, if not on the calendar proper. We respect no conventional seasons here...as we often kick old man winter in the balls for the much more awesome Whiskey Season. Repeat readers here will know that we've had the Summer of Shunning, Fall of Intolerance and so forth.

To be frank, I've been under the weather this week and in my confused state this morning I panicked for a minute or two thinking that this weekend was the great American ceremony of getting shitfaced around a grill and preferably near water as well as Old Glory. Fortunately, we have another week to mull this honored holiday's schedule, so I would encourage all of you to do the same if you have yet to do so. Enjoy it folks, knock back a silly amount of cocktails and get out regardless of weather. It's your duty as a drunk. Come to think of it, that advice is sound for every day.