The Functional Drunk-Movies

Apart from boozing on the water or camping, one of the great joys of summer drinking is getting torched before hitting the movie theater. Seems simple enough, but the truth is that since you are intertwined with "the sober" one must keep a level head.

Let us be clear...the majority of Hollywood's drek is barely tolerable when smashed, I cannot imagine watching such shiesse with a clear head. Consider this year...for every Iron Man, there is a dismal Shrek sequel(fuck you CGI money grab) and for every Batman there is a some tepid romcom that makes seppuku look like a valid option. It stands to reason that one should pound some drinks before going to the theater.

Fortunately, the industry is making it easier. For one, most places now have automated ticket machines that allow the hammered patron to avoid personal contact. Granted, it's not really an issue to breathe gin fumes on the pimply faced line-jobber...but no need to tip your hand. Stride with pride up to the ticket-taker and quickly move on to your viewing. I personally recommend drinking liquor drinks prior to the movie...beers just fill you up and force an ill timed bathroom visit, usually during the impressive space battle or early car chase scene. Despite the brevity of your trip to the pissoir, you WILL miss a salient point and thus rob yourself of the whole experience. Be sure and drink too much before the movie, lest you find yourself getting sober during the interminable 30 minutes of previews.

If you choose to booze during the film, some thoughts and advice. Flasks are the usual option, but be quick and discrete, as the flash of metal will cause some uptight religious type to report you to the usher before going home to his/her porn collection with smug satisfaction. If you have a darker color or plastic flask, you are good to go. Speaking from personal experience, I cannot recommend spiking your coke with booze. First off, that means you will spend a ten note on the smallest cup they have-possibly starting a drunken rant at such legalized theft. Secondly, in my case the bourbon will eat its way through the bottom. It's happened. Many times. Nothing outs you quite so quickly as liquor fumes dispersing in the theater(baffling situation, since most theaters reek anyway) and as said booze runs down the angled floor. Embarrassing at best.

In short, you've got some good summer films left...why not tie one on and increase your enjoyment. I know your fellow patrons will appreciate you for making a mundane trip out with the family more memorable. Good viewing, fuckfaces.


  1. I can't wait to get loaded and watch the Dark Knight. That may be a gin event...

  2. I will buy the gin if you get the tickets.

  3. You're on - but none of that cheap shit like Seagrams or Bartons. I demand quality gin!!