Cling to your pathetic fable of "Red" marketing

I'm not talking about Ivan here, although the upcoming stupidity seems right out of the dipshit commie playbook. Little Red Book indeed, Chairman Mao. This farce of shit is so puzzling, that I'm going to forgo my usual method of distracting you with pictures/shiny objects for a straight-up bitch session.

Jim Fucking Beam. Once I venerated you as have many college students. You were my constant companion in Neyland Stadium and a cheap gift for friends at Christmas time, and that frothy mess on a mixture of Beam and Coke was a panacea for young and inexperienced taste buds. Even if you are pissed off because my palate has evolved to better whisky that's no reason to vex mankind with your latest abortion: Red Stag.

Oh where to begin. The marketing campaign on the website screams hipster assholes with no taste dancing and frolicking about...oh, but they are hipster assholes that like to be outdoors in the snow and they listen to Kid Rock. How very edgy? How very damn trite if you ask me. Every booze cliche in existance is peddled over there. Winter landscape? Check. People who look cool, but are paid models? Check. Washed-up smelly pitchman? Fucking check, in the aforementioned Rock. Who from the early 2000's culture can we recycle next? Please, please say Limp Bizkit so someone can stake this poorly concieved vampire booze to eternal death. Meh.

Beam tells us that this vile drink is four year old JB(four whole years you say?) that has been 'reimagined' with a black cherry finish. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, that sounds terrible. The last thing I think of when I crack open my Makers or Knob Creek is wondering how it would taste with some Cherry Coke. Get the fuck out of here.

Yes, I know it's not in our creed here at DK to shit on something without trying it. Then again, I don't need to drink turpentine to know it's going to suck.

Finally, does anyone remember (circa 93 or 94) the dreadful beers named Red Wolf and Red Dog? Yeah, that's what I thought. Make room on the shelf for another ill-conceived product with a shitty name, because it's only a matter of time.

Shit from elsewhere

Some interesting news and notes across the Atlantic and Pacific:

Looks like Belgium is running out of beer(how did that move to InBev treat you Anheuser Busch?) due to, what else-strikes and protesters.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20100121/wl_time/08599195467500

I don't drink Headbusters any longer, but don't fuck with my Stella you douchebags. That article states that beer consumption is down across Europe which this author finds remarkable. It's almost enough to make one pine away for the days when Europe was a fine hotbed of religious persecution, dysfunctional alliances, and machine gun manufacturers.

The other bit of news comes to us from Japan, home to weird shit even before Sekigahara. Did you know that one of the world's most popular brands of Scotch whisky hails from Yoichi? You may see this mean bastard on package store shelves very soon.

Import laws have been very hard on this distiller. That's not surprising though, given that even Seagrams had to settle disputes before being allowed to sell a Kentucky Bourbon(Four Roses) in large amounts here in the states. Strange. Even though I don't drink from the malt whisky tree/style I still welcome any beverage that is cleared to move here in the States. The founder of this distillery traveled to Scotland in the early 20th century to learn their secrets, and so the first manufacturing facility for this stuff was established in 1934, at a time when Japan's primary exports were a Sino occupation force and torpedo bombers.

Nikka is owned these days by Asahi, whom most of us will recognize as a fairly popular Japanese beer. Looks like they used their stroke to break down the prohibition against their Scotch being sold in the US. I doubt very seriously that I'll ever drink a drop of it, but hey this shit's not about me and my bullshit opinion. At the very least I can appreciate the challenge of making malt whisky in a climate that differs significantly from Scotland. Cheers!

Aftermath

Look here, you sumbitch...

Overheard at the bar tonight. Perhaps I said it:

Rainbow Brite needs to meet Mr. Owl.

I'm not on trial here.

2 Shows Coming To Town

So I got some email requests (among dozens of spam) since I added the new links to the blog last week and have some entertainment options to share with you. First things first though, I sure as hell don’t plan on making a habit of listing every damn band or special event that finds its way to our blog, period. But for shits and giggles I decided to list these two events and hope that the shows are worthwhile should any of our readers decide to attend. I’m hoping to make at least one of them.

Sunday, January 10 at the Pilot Light – Geronimo!

From the band’s email:

I love that your blog exists. It's a pretty damn sweet premise for a blog.

Flattery will get you everywhere my friend, even if it is contrived to schmooze. Nevertheless it worked and I’ve included a blurb from their press kit below:

Geronimo! is a three piece rock band from Chicago, IL. We have two five-song EPs available on E-Van Records. In the year that we have been together, we have booked two tours across the western and midwestern parts of the U.S. In addition to booking our shows, we write and record our own music, as well as make and design our own merchandise. Members of the band have previously played in various other Chicago bands including Inspector Owl, Picture Books, The Gunshy, and The Honeybear Wild and have recorded with bands including Troubled Hubble, The Felix Culpa, and Surround Sound.

They may have forgotten to list Smugly Dismissed and Sausage Assassin for all I know. So there it is, you know as much about them as I do. More information is available here. I hope they kick ass.

Monday, January 11 at 4620 Reinvented – The Party Show

This one sounds like good ol' dirty fun.

From Clams’ email:

...Exotic creatures from Baltimore and New York City bring you an over-the-top night of world-class shenanigans! From the award-winning teams of burlesque stars Trixie Little & the Evil Hate Monkey, and Anita Cookie & Clams Casino, THE PARTY SHOW is a wild-campy-comedic-circus-burlesque night with mind-blowing acrobatics, jaw-dropping striptease and madly brilliant stupidity! Bringing together the Eastern Seaboard's hottest performers from the burlesque, circus and variety worlds, it’s like a visual shot of tequila mixed with an intelligent champagne chaser that will leave you drunk enough to laugh but lucid enough to remember. The show will star Trixie, Monkey, Anita and Clams, as well as Coney Island Red Hot, Little Brooklyn (combined, the winners of 8 coveted trophies at the world's only international burlesque pageant in Las Vegas) and local superstars Kisa Von Teasa and Siren Santina.

What a sweet girl. Plus there appears to be some local talent at the gig, so go check 'em out because I know you don't have shit-else going on Monday night. More information here and here, be sure to check out their pics, good shit.

Ladies, It's TIme....

Get out the droats!

Dueling droat!

Spandau Ballet Droat?

New Year, Same Shit, + New Links = New Year Shit

Cheers everyone, we made it another year. My liver is now twice as aged as my body, which means at least part of me has become the dirty old man I've always wanted to be. For the record I've always been dirty, just waiting on the age part. Success!

If you've visited our blog at all during the past 1.5 years you know that change around here comes but once in a while. Luckily we had a friend provide some kick-ass graphic design, and believe it or not we occasionally get email from readers with questions, suggestions and requests. The main request we receive is from out-of-towners who don't know the bar scene who are looking for the local scoop, and after providing personal guidance and advice to these poor, lost sots I finally decided to add some new bar/restaurant links to help our new readers locate a place to swill beer, booze and wine. Take a look to the right and you'll notice a handful of new web links and they're even categorized by geographic location. That's amazing new shit for you! Never mind that north, south and east Knoxville are totally ignored. Maybe we'll get to that this year, but right now I'm heading to the bar. Allez!

Old Man Winter's Ass

Shit, it's been cold lately. Yes, even Knoxville is getting a taste of the winter lash and though we are not faring as poorly as those dipshit friends of ours in the frozen north(Vermont) and Midwest(Illinois) the mercury is pretty low. Drinking down here when the temps hit the teens is a pretty rare thing, so be sure you novice boozers to put on your juice jacket along with your real jacket and glug your way through it. Already we've put down several bottles of Bookers, Maker's, GJ, as well as dropping ranks of Jamesons and Tullamore Dew. It's not called the Whiskey Season for nothing.

Happy 2010

Lt. Rocka XIV Tracks

Start the year off with Lt. Rocka, download the latest here.

London Philharmonic Orchestra – Strauss (R): Also Sprach Zarathustra, Op. 30 – Opening
DJ/rupture – Winter Buds:Atki2
The Rolling Stones
Cold War Kids – Audience
The Walkmen – On The Water
Les Savy Sav – The Year Before the Year 2000
White Denim – Shake Shake Shake
Surfer Blood – Take It Easy
Phoenix – 1901 (live unplugged –> studio)
White Denim – Mirrored and Reversed
Volcano Choir – Island, IS
The Xx – Crystalized
Tom Petty
Smashing Pumpkins
Fabulous Thunderbirds
Simple Minds
Wilson Pickett
Jackie Wilson
The Temptations
Panda Bear