Operational Pause

You may have noticed light posting this week, or you may not have paid the slightest bit of attention. Either way, go to Hell. This week isn't about your self-absorbed fantasy.

We're not on trial here.

Regular posting to resume in a few days. Buckle up, it's going to get bumpy...and blurry. Bad juju.

Celebrity Pitchman 2.0

Hey folks, glad to be here. I’ve only got a minute before I head out on the town – going to the club to show off some new moves I picked up in Prague. Got a few new ideas for the bull dance, plus I can’t wait to see Miriam. Anyway yeah, awesome being here, these guys drink just like we used to back in the era. Back when over-consumption meant something. Something like HAVING A GOOD FREAKING TIME ALL NIGHT LONG NOT KNOWING IF YOU WERE GOING TO LIVE TO THE NEXT DAY TO TELL ABOUT IT! Yeah. I’ve mellowed out since then (14 DUI’s) but I still got it. I don’t get to Knoxville as much as I used to since I moved from Atlanta, that’s why I check the blog when I visit town. Like the new bar listings they have going on the sidebar. Don’t like how my old buddies never seem to answer their phones or return my messages, but whatever. Seeing Miriam will make everything worthwhile, if you know what I mean. A few drinks, some dancing…

/winks, gyrates hips

Random Manure

Sometimes I fret that people aren't drinking enough. Living here in this fortress of drinking while being surrounded by the so-called Bible Belt tends to cause paranoid delusions. Trust me, Mordor ain't got shit on some of the baleful glances I get from the teetotalers(especially when their hellish drop is closeby) when I am about town.

A little perspective is needed...because after a cursory and very, very sloppy internet search my faith is restored by the images and other content that screams "THE WORLD POSTS WHILE DRUNK." As you all know, we here at DK make a point to always post whilst sober.

Dear God, I think I am a latter day Mr. Hand.

Look, we all know that drunken text messaging...ill-advised boozy emails, photoshops etc are a fact of life. Consider the insanity of the de-motivational posters that have been co-opted to nefarious ends.

Truly, flying sharks would be bad for our species. Perhaps we can counter them with:

The research that leads to the hovertank program naturally will progress to mobile infantry such as the highly lethal Glitter Boy powered armor:

And so on. I would say people have too much free time...but clearly more people are drinking and using powerful, powerful drugs. Where did this shit begin? I blame Dr. Evil.

Thank you Mike Myers. Who among us can forget the dumbassery of the late 90s when everyone droned on and on about sharks-with-frickin-laserbeams...like it was our own joke and the funniest crap anyone has ever heard. Feh. I name this douchery as the pioneer of said movement. Now, look where we are in the decade hence. The fuckers from South Park put a killer whale on the moon...insert your "pwned" or "fail" caption as you will.

Most offensive(and baffling) are the fuckers from Lego that give us this evidence of extreme intoxication:

That's some awful Seaquest shit right there. But wait, what the hell is on those sharks?

Frickin gamma ray lasers. Someone is/was fucked up when this little trinket got the green light. Give the cocksucker lungs and legs as well, masochist. Not to be outdone, the cautionary signage industry has to get in on the action as well. Some high bastard took the time to come up with this somewhat official looking piece of shit:

And so here we are. As reasonable beings, we can conclude:

1. The world is in fact full of functional drunks that are computer-savvy.

2. Sharks seem to be on the minds of nearly all the populace...which makes even less sense when you live in Nebraska, for example.

3. The Austin Powers series was at least one movie too many.

4. The Absinthe-swilling Euros that work at the Lego mill are clearly the world's biggest Dr. Evil fans.

However, one might ask if this bastard movement of amalgams has run its course...does the drinking/technically competent community have something else in store?

Son of a bitch.


UPDATE: Mother of God, they're learning quickly. Siegecraft!

http://www.wwtdd.com/2009/08/oh-we-are-so-screwed/

Macro Brews Increase Prices

Shock! Get ready to shell out an extra 25 cents per six pack.

Great Drunks of the Silver Screen 9.0

Presenting the iconic Richard Harris:

We praise the man and mourn the loss of another raging alcoholic from the UK. This Irish actor is commonly considered to be one of the true hellraising paragons during the latter half of the 20th century. Though he was reported to drink only with Hitler during his latter(Hodgkins Disease) years, we here can certainly recognize the decades of gin-soaked debauchery that he boldly had undertaken. This guy rocked.

Strengths: Irish, wide range as an actor, smartass in real life

Weaknesses: Irish, took a check for Harry Potter, outlived his organs

Mr. Harris's acting resume is well-known...what is generally not-known is that he was also a singer and spoken word artist. Harris got a later start than his drunken contemporaries of the day, first appearing in 1958 films and then feverishly making up for it during the sixties. His casting in Camelot was a headscratcher at first, but he parlayed that success into highly commercial film-making that gave low budget works like Orca some serious gravitas. I remember once as a kid being wonderstruck at A Man Called Horse and had no idea until much later that Harris was often so hammered that he couldn't be forced out of bed. His award winning career is one that today's shitass actors couldn't hope to match even if they were sober.

One of the most humorous and cliche' gutter remarks is attributed to Harris, when found by a Bobby in a storm ditch. "The world is spinning and I am waiting for my house to go by."

How fucking epic is that?

Ineibriated Drunkerds

Alright listen up! You have been assigned to this unit for one thing and one thing only: Killing Nazis! Wait. Actually no, this isn’t an army unit at all. But we’re drunkerds and damn fine ones to boot. We’re in the drinkin’ business and business is good. You are hereby ordered to consume as much booze as possible – beer, liquor and wine – by any means necessary, day and night, week night or weekend, with or without companions. I want you to have running tabs at multiple bars. I want you to initiate pub crawls, with strangers if necessary. I want you to stay out late, drain your wallet, then cadge drinks from the unsuspecting. Then I want you to start fresh and do it all over the next day, as soon as you come to and find your bearings, hopefully without having to post bail. Got it? Good! Now go out there and consume that delicious, sweet alcohol that we all love so damn much. What? Don’t feel like it today? We do not have room for dandy-locks! If somebody wants to drink with Hitler (#13) that is simply unacceptable! Now get out there and start drinkin’!

More To Come

A fine sample of the imminent bourbon season, well done LVL. They should call it Goodford Reserve.