No Thanks

This morning as I stopped by the local convenience store for a fix of my latest addiction, coffee, I took a second to browse the beer aisle to see if there were any new brands on the market I should care about. In short, no. However I did notice a couple of products that need to be shat upon.

Twisted Tea

These malt-flavored farces of shit never stop hitting the shelves. Hearkening back to their introduction in the 80's, products like Bartles & James, Le Croix, and Matilda Bay wine coolers ushered in a new wave of alco-pops that unfortunately stayed with us. Novice drinkers are the only people excused from drinking this mess, and it is only a temporary pass. If you're in college or 22+ it's time to move on. I guess I'll give a break to some ladies out there that just don't like the taste of beer, but no man should ever be caught drinking these. God forbid you show up at the lake with a cooler of this swill amongst all the lake beer. Do the words "Man overboard!" mean anything? Man up and drink an ice pick, pussy. Vodka, tea, ice, done.

Bud Light Lime

This shit is the beer equivalent of Tostitos corn chips with lime. I'd be surprised if they didn't share the same exact seasoning. It's crap, we all know it's crap, and if you don't you should have your drinking privileges revoked. Know what? If you want lime flavored beer do like everybody else and get a goddamned Mexican beer: Tecate, Corona, Dos Equis, Negra Modello, etc., stick a lime wedge in it and STFU.

Crunk (not Crunk Juice)

This isn't alcohol, but there is a cocktail called "crunk juice" I'll address in a moment. I'm not hip enough to be part of the rap, gangsta, hip-hop, etc. scene and probably never was, but I think I've been crunk before. If it meant "cranky-drunk" then definitely. This product may as well have the word "Dogg" labeled all over it since they are trying to identify with their target market in da 'hood. I guess this is the answer to Rock Star energy drink; who cares. As I mentioned there is Crunk Juice, a cocktail made with cognac and Red Bull. I'd give it a try at least once, it couldn't be that bad. May as well sub Crunk for Red Bull for some extra props, yo!