Algonquin Round Table Mk IV

Ladies and gentlemen, once again yours truly will make another abortive attempt to host a panel discussion on functional drinking from noted boozing icons. In the past, we have not been as successful as we would like...unsurprising in the conventional sense because most of the panelists are indeed, raging and complete drunks. So...lets all just take a big bite of this latest shit sandwich and be thankful there's a lot of bread. Today's guests include:

First, I give you a repeat DK guest: Little Enos Burdette.Lord Von Lord: Afternoon Mr. Burdette. Nice western-style leisure suit.

Little Enos Burdette: It matches my daddy's, dummy.

LVL: Indeed it does. Not sure though that's a positive point. Next, I would like to introduce Rick Gassko, school bus driver/pit boss and social climber.

LVL: Thanks for taking the time out of your bachelor party Rick. Say, are those crossbow bolts?

Rick Gassko: Well I wasn't sure about the first one, but the second time I was convinced. I expected a party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze, but I draw the line at crossbows.

LVL: At least it ran the pimp off. Next up, we have interstellar scourge and warlord of Mongo: Ming the Merciless.

::PALACE GATE FLIES OPEN::

Ming the Merciless: Greetings pitiful Earth fool. I'll be with you just as soon as I have dispatched this noxious washed-up Jets quarterback.

LVL: That doesn't look like Testeverde, or even that douche Favre. Wait...this is from the movie, right?

MTM: Silence mortal. Swordfighting is thirsty work.

LVL: Shit, who let this asshole in? (checks notes, blames Mackey) Well, finally we introduce the drunken billionaire and armaments genius Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man. Welcome Tony:

LVL: Wait, you're not Iron Man per se!

War Machine: Yeah, no shit. Tony couldn't make it today. Taking part in a hardly known blog authored by idiots was down on his list. You know, what with designing planet-smashing kinetic weapons in his private jet and so forth. Never fear, I have all the answers you need right here in this minigun.

LVL: Fuck. Well lets begin with you Mr. Burdette.

LEB: Fine, fire away dummy.

LVL: Describe the hardship of living on the wrong side of the Mississippi during the heyday of bootlegging. Just how difficult was it to smuggle Coors?


LEB: First you have to hire some prima donna assholes to haul it. I mean, look at this truck...a man who would paint his trailer like that would wear feathers to a preacher's funeral.

LVL: But, he got it there in time didn't he?

LEB: Snowman could have made better time if that sumbitch Bandit wasn't playing grabass with every relentless county sheriff out there.

LVL: Touche. Next, Rick. Your bachelor party in NYC was the stuff of legend. Rumor has it that you and your degenerates had a band, profligate drug supplies, and ample hookers and porn.

RG and degenerates: Now wait, that last statement was only partially true. We all know that vino is keeno, but did you actually see the porn in question? Usually I don't like my filth that clean.

LVL: What about the donkey show?


RG and degenerates: You mean the arts? How can this be offensive to anyone...even if they are painfully sober? Just call it the benefit of living prior to PETA and the ASPCA. Besides, the donkey had a real good time.

LVL: Didn't the donkey(which is phallic by the way) expire at your bachelor party? In a hotel suite at that?

RG and degenerates: The real crime was that the mule didn't get laid before it bought the farm. Get it? Farm?

LVL: Yes, I get it. Although in today's age, a dead donkey is even in a worse predicament. In case you haven't heard, necro-bestiality is the rage these days ( http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/04/nasty-fetish-champion-just-say-heck-no-to-necro.html )

RG and degenerates: Oh, we have got to party with them. Everyone in the bus fellas, we're crossing state lines!

LVL: Let the record reflect that I had nothing to do with that. Now, if we could...

MTM: Enough, you pitiful fool. Your screeching is offensive to my hangover.

LVL: Yeah, about that your excellency...I couldn't help but notice you are portrayed as drinking often.

and this...

LVL: How do you reconcile functional boozing with ruling a multi-planetary empire?

MTM: I have an impressive HR and legal department. You think I'm evil? I've not got shit on those cocksuckers. Besides, have you seen Mongo fashions? Not even those hags on Sex in the City would wear this mess. Of course I'm plowed all the time. Running this place sober is out of the question.

LVL: Well functional drinking is the theme here, Mr. Burdette, you have something to add?

LEB: Just that I like the cut of his jib. Do they make those outfits in 12-dwarf?

LVL: Dreadful. Positively dreadful. Do you have anything to add regarding Mr. Stark's whereabouts, War Machine?

WM: Simulations conclude that he is most likely either having: A deeply personal introspection like so-LVL: Hmmm...that doesn't sound very functional, in fact it's a bit well...morose and self-loathing.

WM: Have you ever tried to clean puke out of these armored suits?


LVL: Hmmm, is that some sort of seasonal green armor War Machine, for St. Patrick's day and all?

WM: Oh it's green alright...but it's not festive, I can tell you that. You have to spray that shit out of there with a fucking hose. Try doing that while supersonic at 30k feet.

LVL: I'll pass thanks. So basically, what each of you is telling me is that your success is completely independent of your profound boozing and not because of it?

RG and degenerates: Yep. I could of had the girl or the car.

LEB: Right.

MTM: Precisely.

WM: Tony built a suit of armor that can take out a main battle tank...you don't do that kind of thing if you can't handle your gin.

LVL: Well, this really didn't solve anything. Little Enos, can you spare a case of Coors?

LEB: I'd like to kick your ass, just once.

Rossini Festival Pics

It was a hot, windy day at 2009 Rossini Festival



The real reason we love Rossini Fest so damn much

The Rossini Fest mascot refused to have a beer with me!!

Later at Preservation Pub

No photographic evidence, but the Italian sausages and sandwiches were great too

Rossini Time

The day has arrived, Knoxville’s finest street festival is here and it is going to be a gorgeous, hot day. An early walk through downtown revealed vendors scurrying to set up their booths and prepare for thousands of visitors. We’re in for the long haul today and will set up HQ at the urban bunker of King Randall The Insufferable - let’s hope we’re not banished from the castle mid-afternoon as we were last year. The plan today involves eating and drinking, and lots of it. I’m sure we’ll make a disaster of our group outing as usual but hopefully we can put together a recap of events by Monday, we’ll see. Salute!

I've heard of fog-breathers, but this?

Read this absurdity:

http://www.fastcompany.com/blog/cliff-kuang/design-innovation/bar-serving-alcoholic-mist-gets-you-drunk-you-breathe

Apparently for the sum of £5 an hour you can stand around and huff gin fumes while in a Hazmat suit. At least its Hendricks rather than shit gin.

Old City Saloon? - UPDATE

A little while back we posted a story from WATE.com about a new multi-use bar opening in the Old City. Recently we were contacted by someone on their management team who provided us with the correct name of the new establishment: Southbound Bar & Grill. So it appears they are still on schedule for their May 1st opening and we wish them the best of luck. Let's hope their early attention to detail is a sign of good things to come.

Charge of the light brigade

Ordinarily, I would be doing a bar review right now...unfortunately, the events of the prior weekend have left such a chilling and lethargic taint that I cannot in good conscience speak of the pros and cons of the joint. Proverbially speaking it was like a hopeless attack against overwhelming odds. It should be criminal to drink that many shots in so short a time.

The only hint I can give you; the only advice I can offer: The bar and lounge at the downtown Knoxville Holiday Inn WILL NOT serve you a complete turkey dinner at 11:30 on a Saturday night.
The bartender was not smiling either.

Spring Practice

Ok, listen up guys, bring it in bring in it. We’re wrapping up spring practice and things are looking good. Real, real good, but we still have a lot of work to do, and things have to get so much better. You’ve put in a ton of hard work in a short period of time so far this year but it doesn’t end today. I can’t stress that enough: It Does Not End Today, okay? We’ve got to build on what we’ve learned so far and add to that Every Day. The Season will be here before we know it and we’ve got to be focused and ready to go from that first whistle. We’ve made strides since our first open practice just a few weeks ago. We’re past those simple mistakes like wearing the wrong gear, timing, hydration – now we can step it up and hit the ground running with intensity. We’ve added some new faces and even lost a few. That’s part of it. You’ve got to be committed to what you’re doing and come ready to prove that day in day out you are going to be prepared to give it your all. We’re only going to have a couple of hours to see where we stand before heading into summer, so let’s have a good day of drinking and go see the Orange and White scrimmage game.

Grocery Wine UPDATE

A couple of months ago we addressed the potential sale of wine in TN grocery stores. We now learn that the bill has been withdrawn from consideration by its author David Shepard. As such there will NOT be wine sales in TN grocery stores anytime soon, however that doesn't mean it won't be introduced next year, which in fact is exactly what will happen according to the author. So for now the package stores can breath a small sigh of relief before they're put to task facing the same battle again. The rest of us will have to maintain our current routine of multiple stops for our beer and wine/liquor purchases.

Damn.

This can't possibly go wrong

Courtesy of those wacky Germans that now own PlayMobil, I give you this:

Gotta love the Periodic Table of wine.

Behold the Wine-Tasting Party Playset. This gem of toy goodness is currently stirring up controversy with the uptight brigade, feeling that this particular series will glamorize drinking to children. While I have mixed feelings on kids being around booze( oh yes, we all know that) I'm not sure this is something for society to get worked up over.

You see, these PlayMobil things have been around in some form or fashion since I was a kid. It's a bastard amalgam of Fisher Price and the Lego figurines in obscure settings. There was even a McDonald's playset many years ago that presumably demonstrated the joy of food service to an entire cadre of sullen Gen X'ers like yours truly. Using such ahem, logic, I can only auger that the wine playset won't make kids want to booze it up more than they might already. After all, most parents that knee-jerk against this kind of harmless item are the ones whose drunken barbarism is evident for little Dakota, Montana, and Chas to see every weekend. Hypocrisy is a bitch.

In a practical vein, this specific toy doesn't seem like it would hold a child's attention very well. What rugrat can pull his or her fat ass away from GTA 4 long enough to note the carafe, wine rack, and awful brown shoes...deciding right then and there for a life of unrepentant boozing and shitty behavior? *That usually comes later...with a delicious can of Coors Original but I digress*

Anyhoo...this little item might be better off for adults. The possibilities are endless. You can rehearse your pick-up lines, or wargame social scenarios without an actual bar tab. Lonely? Not anymore with these guys on your kitchen table. Give them weird names, if that twirls your beanie. They even bend at the waist so you can even simulate a horrific puking episode at the frat house.

Fuck it. I'm getting one so the authors can re-enact the weekend for your viewing pleasure.

Old City Saloon?

From a report on WATE.com we learn that former waste-of-space Club 106 will be replaced with a new country & western bar named Southbound Knoxville scheduled to open May 1st.

Ok, here we go again. Am I surprised that Club 106 closed? No. Do I want the Old City to succeed as a beacon for downtown visitors? Yes. Will this new establishment buck the trend of failures that has existed since Hooray's closed about a dozen years ago? I don't know.

I hope something good happens there but they have an uphill climb. The place is HUGE and rent adds up month after month regardless of whatever "slow" season happens to affect your joint. Running a business is tough, and I believe restaurants and bars are tougher due to fierce competition and slim profit margins. Does Knoxville have enough boot scootin', shit kicking patrons to support an Old City country bar? I guess we'll see, and don't get me wrong, I hope so, even though that isn't my particular scene. I'm going to keep my eye on this development and hope to report some good news as they open and grow their business.

Good luck, Southbound Knoxville, I think you're going to need it.

Baseball Season = Beer Season

The season has started if you didn’t know already and after about 1 week into the season it’s hard to get too excited about anything yet. It doesn’t matter if your favorite team is first or last in their division because with 162 games in a season there is so much time to let things take shape. And that is one of the things I like about MLB, the season is so damn long and provides hundreds of opportunities to grab some beer and chill out in front of the TV or listen on the radio while you work outside. Attending a live game is even better, be it a road trip to a major ball park or just up the road to see the Smokies.

Beer is essential to baseball enjoyment, though stronger spirits like bourbon or vodka are occasionally appropriate. There is no room for wine in the sport unless you count celebration champagne at the end of the season, or if you’re a woman. Beer is king in baseball for all the right reasons: it is light, cold, refreshing, inexpensive, and allows you to drink through 3-4 hours of mostly dull entertainment. Compared to other major sports I’d guess that beer consumption via baseball out sells all the rest due to the length of the schedule and total number of games played. Of course I don’t have any stats to back this up, I’m just guessing. The point is that from now until the playoffs in October you have over 2,000+ games as an excuse to drink beer. Not that you need an excuse to drink beer anytime, mind you.

Peanut Gallery

Atlanta Braves, yeah I pull for these guys, they’re my team for better or worse. Screw the Boston Red Sox. Fuck the New York Yankees. The Cincinnati Reds are for tossers and sheep shaggers.

How They Roll

While driving through Newport on my way to Hot Springs, NC last Friday, I stopped at a gas station to buy some essentials (lottery tickets, cigarettes, and Twizzlers). The lady in front of me was buying four of these:

and twelve of these:

There's nothing like a Friday afternoon in Cocke County.

Damn them Doobies and they Chinese Grove

By Doobies I mean Irish. By Chinese Grove I mean Jamesons.

Why I drink this shit is beyond me. It always makes things extremely blurry.

Rain Haiku

Rainy weather sucks
Another boring Tuesday
Yeah I’ll drink tonight

Monday Hangover

Lots of food and drink this past weekend - good times, good times, I say. We didn’t waste any time getting started last Friday; Lord von Lord, Tag Berauscht, his frauline and I met for drinks around 6 pm and ended up having quite a dinner feast by the time things were said and done. Of course we drank plenty at dinner and continued afterward. Tag had replenished his basement keg with fresh IPA so we were slamming those as fast as possible, enough to the point of refilling two pitchers at a time, thus saving twice the number of trips downstairs. OSHA would be proud. The beer flowed like wine…

Saturday I enjoyed the morning with some early exercise, good weather and ran some errands before taking a well deserved nap. It was just past 3:00 pm when I got the call about “Lard in the Yard”, which pissed me off. For those of you who don’t know about LITY, let me briefly describe it as a full-on culinary ATTACK of grilled meats, side dishes, and desserts compounded by excessive drinking, hosted by our friend and his wife in their back yard. The reason I was pissed off is because I had no advance warning this was going to happen and didn’t have time to prepare my body for the amount of abuse about to ensue. Nevertheless I agreed to meet them and it went well as usual.

We had shrimp brochette, fish, huge steaks, baked potatoes, vegetables, garlic bread and some other stuff I’ve forgotten. For drinks we had the usual hat trick of beer, bourbon and wine, and there were cookies for dessert. All that took a while to prepare (while we drank) and we finally sat down to eat around 10 PM. We didn’t actually eat in the yard per tradition since it was too dark by then, but we enjoyed the weather on their patio just the same. As you can imagine after eating all that food we were just bouncing off the ceiling with energy, so we put in a DVD and waited until the first person passed out so we could strategically excuse ourselves one by one. Plus the cats were restless at that point and I didn’t feel like sleeping with those dangerous bastards waiting to pounce.

Sunday our group of drunkards didn’t get together at all. I think everyone was resting and bracing for the shitty weather that has arrived. Great, colder temperatures and rain, you know what that means…




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Rain Droats!!!

Knoxville Ice Bears PLAYOFFS TONIGHT

Semi-Final Playoff vs. Huntsville Havoc

Series Tied 2-2: This is the deciding game

Game time: 7:30

Admission: $5

Dollar Days: $1 snacks and soft drinks

We'll be taking a group of drunkards over to the Civic Auditorium to support the 2 time defending champion Ice Bears. As usual we will frontload to get a strong buzz going before we head over to raise hell. Hey, we missed all the regular season but hopefully we'll make up for it tonight.