Blue Faggellas

By the gods, Kentucky Wildcat fans suck.

You little shits left before I could rub your loss in fully. To clarify, you fucking idiot douchebags and your weird ass blue sweaters and coats just can't get it through your heads. We don't lose to you. Ever. Even our worst football team in three decades kicks your well-explored asses.



Shitheads.

Drinking for Vengeance

Ah...with the passing of Drinksgiving into the ash heap of history, we welcome the coming of another of our smaller seasons known as Drinking for Vengeance. DfV always starts the Saturday following Turkey Day and runs for about a week. Fueled by the noxious sobriety of family members, this small precedent to Whiskey Season gets the blood up and purges the body's various humours of well...humor. It is not a time of mirth but determination.

We start this DfV with a home game...the merciful end to a rotten football season and the swan song for Phil Fulmer. The contest itself is inconsequential, and I suspect that both teams will flop about in a proverbial holocaust on offense. We will be attending to insure that Fulllllllmer does in fact, leave.

Well, time to get this shitstorm rolling. A nice drop of wine to set me up for the day is the first order of business...

Turkey Day - Olde vs. New

An Olde Tyme Salute to Yon Byrde

-

Benjamin Franklin in a letter to his daughter

"For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead Tree near the River, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labour of the Fishing Hawk; and when that diligent Bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Bald Eagle pursues him and takes it from him.

With all this Injustice, he is never in good Case but like those among Men who live by Sharping & Robbing he is generally poor and often very lousy. Besides he is a rank Coward: The little King Bird not bigger than a Sparrow attacks him boldly and drives him out of the District. He is therefore by no means a proper Emblem for the brave and honest Cincinnati of America who have driven all the King birds from our Country....

I am on this account not displeased that the Figure is not known as a Bald Eagle, but looks more like a Turkey. For the Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America... He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on."

-

(Image and letter ripped off from the State Symbols USA website)

-

The Modern View



Let’s get drunk!! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz……

Deep Fried TND

A time honored tradition amongst our group occurred last evening, and for the 2nd straight year it coincided with our weekly homage to boozing during the week. Combine a fried food feast with Tuesday Night Drinks and you get Deep Fried TND! It was a smaller group this year but we managed to have a pretty good time and consumed way too much cholesterol and booze.

Our hosts were able to contain their 3 jungle cats long enough for us to set up the bar and fryer. We took care of the rest. Drinks: Maker’s Mark, Booker’s, 2 bottles red wine, brown ale, IPA, Coors Original. Fried foods: turkey breast & thighs, okra, hush puppies, spinach fritters, fish & chips. Additional foods: deviled eggs, slaw, and baked cookies.

Hangovers that follow nights like this aren’t as bad as you might think. Mainly because alcohol isn’t the main problem your body has to deal with, it’s the grease coursing through your veins and clogging up everything. A bigger issue I have to deal with today is holiday traffic. Damn, I already hate making the long drive across state, but holiday drivers make it so much more damn miserable. So wish me luck, I have two days of sober family time that may kill me. Shit, I still have to pack. Plus I really need to find my flask before I hit the road…

The Shield Finale

After airing for 7 seasons on the FX network it looks like lead character Vic Mackey has come to the end of his career as a corrupt police detective. Tonight’s episode will be the series finale, so if you are not already a fan of the show there probably isn’t any reason to watch. However if you like gritty, somewhat realistic TV shows I would recommend renting the series and watching it from start to finish because it is that good. My namesake’s demise aside, I’m not too terribly upset that the show is ending. I’ve watched the show for 5 seasons (caught the first 2 on DVD) and that’s long enough for a drama series with complex story lines and characters.
Yesterday as I was trolling Google for Mackey images to include in this post I happened upon a link that I found interesting and almost relevant to this blog (Can you say DUI or PI?). Now bear with me, the YouTube link I’m providing is 27 minutes long, but I think it’s worthwhile if you’ve got nothing else to do and want to hear some interesting views about our legal system. The video features a Virginia attorney discussing why you should never talk to the cops and why you should always plead the 5th Amendment. Afterward he allows a police detective and current law student a rebuttal (see part 2, to the right) that is also worthwhile. The funny thing is that the cop/law student in the 2nd clip looks a lot like Vic Mackey, although with a cop ‘stache for a more realistic look.

I’ve included the YouTube link to “Don’t Talk to Cops, Part 1” here. You can click on Part 2 after the jump. To save time I’ve condensed the essence of both speeches below:

Part 1 – Don’t talk to the cops, ever
Part 2 – He’s right

What is old is new again

Ah, drinking games. The necessary caveat that allows timid drinkers young and old to somehow fool themselves into thinking that boozing requires some social secondary skill. Now, I've played nearly every drinking game in known space: Pyramids, Asshole, Up-the-River, Beer Pong, Beirut, Flip Cup, and the highly bizarre Egyptian Ratscrew. To be certain I have overlooked a few, but I'm not here to get into a pissing match with all seven or eight of you about competitive drinking.

Actually I am here to focus on an old favorite, Three-Man...made hip and relevant by our own 21st century bastardization--Consume & Forfeit. Most of the readers and authors have played this game together at one point. I like dice based drinking games due to portability and the utter lack of coordination when hammered that guarantees an atmosphere not unlike the stock market trading floor.

The banal Beerfest movie demonstrated and encouraged that even the thirty-something married lameass can mix it up with the Hebrew scientist, male prostitute, and sick fuck that views ham as a romantic date as well as foodstuff. We don't engage in drinking games everyday...no, rather we lay in the motherfucking weeds ready to strike when stepped on. (as the pussies before the Florida game will attest)

Anyhoo...here is our variation of Three-Man.

You will need a shitty table, with some inner square that serves as the playing surface. The shitty table provision is key, as it needs to be unbalanced and poorly made. The players should roll the dice to determine the poor dolt who begins the game as the namesake. The first player to roll a 2 and 1 fills this ignoble slot. If you need to speed things up, just allow the lowest roll to qualify. I've listed the potential outcomes below:

Any roll resulting in a 2 and 1 henceforth designates a new Three-Man. Probability dictates that 3's will show up most of the time...hammering the poor fool constantly.

A roll of 7=person to the left drinks

A roll of 11=person to right drinks

A roll of 10=everyone drinks

A roll resulting in doubles(snake-eyes, boxcars etc) allows the player to designate one person to drink the indicated sum, or split the individual die to two other players. It is discretionary to inflict the entire number of drinks or allow the other players a chance to roll the die to determine how much they consume. Be warned though, if the resulting penalty roll gets doubles then the original player has to drink the backlash.

Between hitting 3s and the other criteria above, typically someone will drink. After five successful rolls we usually make a rule and pass the turn. The rules are the common ones: no cursing, no first names, no pointing, some ridiculous screed to say before drinking and so forth. Be creative. Implement treaties and embargoes not unlike NATO.

If a player rolls anything not resulting in consumption, then the player can 'chance it' by rolling again...but if that second attempt is unsuccessful then the crowd will berate you as you drink and forfeit the turn.

As the game progresses, the rolls will inevitably get sloppy and result in the dice falling off the playing surface or table entirely. Filthy epithets and oaths usually follow...and again the player must consume and forfeit the turn.

This game gets ugly real fast...confusion will reign with too many rules, alliances will be made and broken, friendships will end...that sort of thing. Eventually the game will need a reset. Feel free to assign some activity to the non-drinking rolls, for example our group will quiz each other on a 9...always something esoteric that results in bad blood and soiled garments.

One thing is certain, if the game lasts more than thirty minutes each and every player will be blasted out of their mind. People will puke. Time will be lost. Lightweights will pass out only to be written on with a Sharpie.

Come to think of it, this game is horrible. Don't play it.

Is it Monday Already?

Man, one thing I didn’t account for when starting this little blogging experiment is time management. It seems like most of my free time is spent either drinking or recovering from drinking. In between I manage to sleep (some) and work (too much), then the cycle repeats. It kinda makes it difficult to keep track of all the “blog worthy” crap our group comes up with, and honestly I’ve had to make up 60-75% of the posts here to compensate for my alcohol-soaked, memory challenged brain.

(my brain)

The hangover isn’t too bad this Monday. First let me update the Friday Predictions: not a damn one came true, except for the Vols non-loss because we all know they didn’t play. I take solace knowing I still have some whiskey at home. Saturday night was a good, easy-going time downtown with Lord von Lord and a surprise session with King Randall and his queen. We had some beer and only did a small number of shots/shooters compared to the usual all out assault on our livers. There was an awesome, smooth jazz band at the brewery too, probably one of the best bands I’ve seen there this year. Sunday was mostly uneventful, though I did get into a verbal confrontation with some of the Buddy’s walk-for-the-cure folks, who think just because they’re doing something for a special cause they can illegally park wherever the hell they want. Yes - I think it’s great to help others and support charities. NO - you can’t block my driveway/street with your SUV and leave it unattended. Move your ass!! I finished up the weekend at Sidestreet Tavern by having a few $2 beers and watching football with LVL.




Monday Night Football is the plan tonight: Browns vs. Bills = lots of beer and bourbon. That should get the week started in the right direction. Tomorrow the Skybox at the Sunsphere is hosting a Young Alumni function during happy hour from 5:30 – 7:30 that I’m considering attending. I’d like to see how many people actually show up and if there is enough room for everybody. I’ll let you know how things go…or I may fabricate something and just put it out there and see if it flies.

Friday Predictions

• The Vols will not lose this weekend
  
• The ½ handle of Maker’s Mark on my bar will not make it through the weekend
  
• Scarlett and King Randall, who apparently no longer post here, will reveal they’ve had a secret affair over the last 6 months that makes blogging here “awkward”- KRTI will not survive the aftermath
  
• Tag, vacationing in Gatlinburg this weekend, will encounter a nasty Candiru in an unclean hot tub - it will not end well
  
• With Drinksgiving less than 2 weeks away, our group will begin shopping for as much shit as we can throw into a vat of hot oil
  
• I will not cause further bodily harm or injure myself (until after my ribs heal)
  

Homecoming Supplemental

Mackey's adequate of description of the last weekend not withstanding, I also feel compelled to contribute to that blitzkrieg. First, like Mackey I have pictures of bucholic autumns at UT.



Not a bad shot for a guy with a Solo cup of straight whisky. This was early of course, and it got insane real fast. So secondly, we truly reaped the whirlwind.



The shots above were courtesy of this asshole, depicted here sans pants(and dignity) in the bottom level of the G-10 lot for aging hipsters and punk asses.

It's November you freak.

Close Call for The Bird

Last night the AZ Cardinals defeated the 49ers in a game they should have lost. Luckily for me I had plenty of Maker's and beer to get me through it. They held on to win 29-24 and saved themselves (and me) from embarrassment for another week. In a weak NFC division where all other teams have 2 or fewer wins, The Bird is almost guaranteed a playoff spot. Of course that is a new season where the competition will be much tougher, but these are the lowly Cardinals who haven't had any success in decades.

I know all the TN Titan fans feel good about being 9-0, but please remember you still share the Houston Oilers old, lame colors but now have a flaming thumbtack on your helmet instead of an oil derrick. (thanks LVL)

(Okay, maybe the blue is darker)

USMC Birthday

Today is the United States Marine Corps birthday. Personally I'd rather celebrate this date than my very own birthday, because nobody wants to go for a drink in the middle of frozen January. With Leather has an excerpt about a Marine that should make anyone proud to be an American (thanks Ufford), or at least respect what our military has sacrificed for the sake of us all. The Veterans Day parade is tomorrow and I hope I can attend. Take a look at some of these quotes from Gen. "Chesty" Puller and see if you don't get a spark of patriotism.

Semper Fi!

Monday Hangover – Homecoming Edition

What a freaking cool Homecoming weekend! Totally awesome. Just so good to see everybody. The way we took it to those Cowboys from Wyoming, man I bet they don’t want to come back to Knoxville anytime soon. We showed them who the Vols really are and what Tennessee football is all about!! What’s that? Wait, it sounded like you said we LOST. Ha ha, good one. You’re such a kidder! I was there, I saw it myself…

/alarm clock rings

Damn, it’s Monday.

No Visible Wounds, No Jail Time
Despite the nightmare loss on Saturday things did go pretty well this Homecoming weekend when you consider that we had 2 arrests at Homecoming last year. Due to various reasons we had fewer alumni in town this weekend: hurricane clean up, travel to India, stuck in Utah, etc. So just having less people in town probably lowered our odds of trouble, but that doesn’t automatically prevent bodily harm. Once again I took a drunken stumble, though luckily I didn’t maim my face or draw blood this time. I’ve been told that on Friday night I was running down the street and took a tumble in some wet leaves. Apparently I didn’t account for the turn and went flying into the air, landed awkwardly on my wrist and ribs, and yes they hurt like heck when I breathe. So I’ve added yet another achy episode to the low-light reel while avoiding jail time. Nice!

It’s one thing to elude the authorities - friends and bartenders are a different story. They aren’t going to arrest you and lock you away, but they sure as hell will hold you guilty of drunken “crimes” and won't let you forget things as punishment. I mean, I really enjoy seeing someone a couple of days after a booze session and being reminded how F’d up I was when I last saw them. “You were there, of course I remember seeing you! Right after that 5th shot of _________”… Great.

Saturday & Sunday
What a farce of shit! We gathered our small group of visitors (Polish, the Big Woo, and V) at my pad along with Lord von Lord, Tag Berauscht and his frau for some pre-game drinks as usual. I fully expected to have a great afternoon of football. This was supposed to be the great send-off for Fulmer where the fans can show their respect and support for his lengthy, legendary career. Fast forward to the 2nd quarter when we’re trailing by two TDs, Crompton is on the field (fumble!) and I just lost it. The hat goes flying. An F-bomb is dropped. I angrily stormed out of the stadium clutching my broken hat and sulked all the way back home, alone. I knew our season was already farked in a big way but this put me over the edge. We may lose out the rest of the damn season!!

Needless to say we regroup, reload, and re-drink. Macleod’s is the place in the afternoon, then downtown again for the evening. Plus we made a visit to the Sunsphere Skybox for more bourbon, because we really needed it. The night went a little better than Friday, I think.

Sunday I spent most of the day hauling people to the airport. I could’ve made about $100 if I was a licensed taxi driver. We watched the NFL games all afternoon between shuttle trips to TYS. Polish and I ventured back out for some late night health food (wings, onion rings, Reubens, etc) and beer at OCI. The strip was so dead. Why wouldn’t anyone be out on a Sunday night after a homecoming loss to Wyoming? We went to the Roaming Gnome to see if it was any better; it wasn’t. Although one of the customers recognized me from Friday night and just had to say something: “Man, I saw you out Friday, you were so….”

Yes. Yes, I know. Damn

The Bird
So that was the weekend, ho hum. I’m glad to be back in the safety of my work environment where no one can send over a shot of Jagermeister or Goldschlager, or bring the handle of Maker’s Mark to me and force a gulp. Sometimes work is the best thing to happen on a Monday. And for those of you who thought I’d let the Monday Night Football game go unmentioned – fat chance.

The Bird (aka Arizona Cardinals) host the SF 49ers tonight and I’ll be watching on the big screen at my place whilst perched upon my kick-ass couch.

I’ve invited some friends to come over, and since it’s such a huge matchup and compelling storyline in the NFC west division I expect to have about zero people show up (It’s still the Cardinals after all) I'll talk to some of you fools in a little while...

Awful. Ghey.

UT just lost homecoming. This sucks. Thanks Phil and supporters. Thanks a metric fuck ton.

We're going out for shots. Eat shit and die. Or not.

Big Weekend

Man, I’ve been so…….……..lazy I guess. “Drunk” just sounds so negative and irresponsible, but that is an accurate description too. Work is partly to blame: I’ve been goin’ at it hard since last weekend and it finally let up enough yesterday for me to catch my breath and allow for some weekday drinks. A quiet workday and 2 IPA lunch/snack kinda makes me long for the days of taking a nap at work, but I haven’t done that in some time now. I’ll just work drink through it.

This weekend is Homecoming/end of an era for the Vols and I plan to celebrate and send ol' Punkin Head out in style (Me, not him.) I’m gonna drink a lot, if not more than usual. As a Volunteer fan I have a lot of respect for what Phil Fulmer did for our program and the longevity of his career as a player and coach. I hope we can send him off with a few more wins to add to his resume. I think there will be a positive vibe around campus at the next two home games. I positively plan to ring in whiskey season with the finest Maker’s Mark bourbon I can wrap my lips around.

Like many, many alumni before us, our group of friends will gather in Knoxville to celebrate the good times we’ve enjoyed and hopefully make some memories to share at future gatherings. Fat chance – I can barely remember what I did last week, much less a year ago. Friends will be coming in from all regions of the country, some that I haven’t seen in a year or two. Looking forward to it, but I hope we can keep everybody out of jail this year. The wives are staying home so I don’t know if that’s a good sign or not. It didn’t seem to help much with them here last year, so we’ll test that theory and let you know. We'll miss ya though ladies!

Since I finally have a new place that is large enough to welcome a sizable group of visitors, I guess I need to put together a shopping list. I went to the grocery and picked up some chips, salsa and peanuts for food. Now I need to hit the major items: beer, wine and bourbon.
The first wave of troops arrive tonight around 10, after that all bets are off. Of course I expect him to be all liquored up when I pick him up at the airport so I may have a reprieve of one night. Doubtful, but we’ll see. Here is to Homecoming!

Sage and timely words

I guess a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot alike, daddy---Little Enos Burdette

Monday Hangover

Old Forester Birthday Bourbon. That is what I purchased with the unexpected $38.27 I received in the mail last week as described two posts below. It fit right in the price range. I opted not to go with the Hendrick's gin since 'tis the bourbon season. Surprisingly I didn't crack into it right away (I'd already been to the bar for 4-IPA dinner) and instead waited until Saturday afternoon. Originally I thought I may keep this one to myself and be a stingy bastard, but I'm glad I brought in the support of Lord von Lord and Tag Berauscht to suffer enjoy this one with me.

Halloween night was a wash. I'm old, I was tired and not feeling well, and everyone else had bailed for some reason or the other. I didn't mind one damn bit. This made for an early start Saturday morning: cleaned up the place, did some errands, and got back home around lunchtime. LVL and I had already discussed getting an early start on drinks and met at Cumberland Grill for beers and a burger, plus there was bourbon on the rocks. We were slightly amused by the young girls across the bar so intent on "day drinking" after a night of Halloween hell raising, as they mentioned it loudly over and over and over again. However, we were IN NO WAY AMUSED BY ALL THE DANDIES DRINKING WATER...... AT THE BAR, NO LESS. I almost sent the douche boyfriend that joined the girls a glass of milk to see if that would suit him better than ice water. The bartender was not impressed either.

We finished up there and joined Tag and his frauline back at my place for a minute before heading to Back Room BBQ in the Old City. We were the first ones there and saddled up to the bar with one of our many bartending buddies. In short time we're getting rowdy and loud, cursing (each other, as usual) having good beers and ordered some appetizers. I highly recommend the nachos with pork bbq substituted for the chili. The fried pickles were good too. By this point it's almost time for kickoff so we went back to the urban bunker to watch the game us get our asses whipped and Phil lose to the "ole ball coach".

Before the outcome of the game was obvious we had already cracked into the Old Forester. Let me tell ya, this stuff ain't for the timid. If any of you remember Fire Lad from the review of Noah's Mill bourbon, it elicits a similar reaction. It is strong as hell, weighing in at 96 proof. The initial flavors are sweet (vanilla and caramel) but the "heat" kicks in right away with overpowering spice and complexity that I'm not sure how to describe. Tag and I tried, but the most we could come up with were pepper and, hell I forgot. Anyway we drank over half the bottle, starting neat then on the rocks. We were rocked. Then the Vols got rocked. Anarchy settled in, the place was trashed, and taxis were called. The rest is a blur.

Bye Phil..Crompton Fucked You

Mackey: F Fulmer! Sail on down the line

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zg-ivWxy5KE

Lord von Lord: Suck the cock, whore!

Tag Berauscht: (drunk, drinking whiskey)

M: He is fired for sure

LVL: Crompton is the reason he is fired!

TB: Exactly!

M: (where is my dirnk?)

/background (commodores)

LVL: WTF?! He's gone guys!!

TB: Crompton? Most crazy fucking thing ever. We suck!

LVL: You're done Phillup

TB: Sorry, Nick Stephens

/chatter

Tech leads TX: 5-0