2008 is over and we can’t close it out without giving some meaningless awards just like everybody else. Mind you, no criteria were established for these empty accolades. There was no discussion, voting, polling, logic or sense when determining the “winners”. I tried to come up with a clever name for these new "DK Awards" but with no luck, so for now we'll go with nothing. If you disagree with the results – tough titty! But feel free to add a comment if you think something is way off base or omitted with prejudice. Let's begin:
Best New Lounge: Southern Graces Skybox at the Sunsphere – This is what downtown Knoxville has needed for a while, a pure cocktail lounge detached from a hotel that offers a great place to go for a drink. Not only do they occupy the most recognizable landmark in the city, but they provide a unique setting with a fabulous view that is convenient to locals and visitors staying in the area. Plus they don’t fuck around with their concept. They’re not trying to sell shooters to college kids or shitty draft beer on game days. They stick to higher end spirits and wines for a more selective crowd, so don’t show up in your cut-off jeans and plan on drinking Corona all day. This isn’t my favorite watering hole by any means, but I’m certainly glad they’re open for business and provide another option for the downtown drinker. Here's to the new kids on the block!
Breakthrough Bar: Sidestreet Tavern – I love going to this bar. I think they’ve been open for a year or two now, but I’ve only been going occasionally this past year, so it’s a breakthrough for me if nobody else. They must be doing something right to put asses in the seats because I’ve never been able to get a spot at their bar and always have to sit at a cocktail table. That’s fine because there are plenty of TVs around with sports and NFL Sunday ticket during the season, plus they have a pretty good pub menu (in-house battered fish and chips!) and 2 fully stocked bars downstairs that helps get the drinks out pretty quick. The staff has always been very laid-back the patrons seem to be in the late 20’s to 30’s crowd, but I’ve noticed more than a few aged cougars on the prowl and even some business types in there too. They’re definitely a comfortable place to hang out with some friends and indulge your bad habits. Smoking is allowed and plentiful. Drink up!
Comeback Beer of the Year: Löwenbräu! I don’t know what the hell happened to the Schlitz rebranding campaign with the original recipe because it sure didn’t come through Knoxville. I was really looking forward to their attempt to relive the glory days, but they missed their opportunity while Löwenbräu stormed back onto the scene! Well not entirely, I mean, not every bar or grocery store carries it, but damn it’s so delicious. Delicious and fresh. Refreshingly delicious. Light, delicious, refreshiness that is also tasty. And -- Ooh THE JINGLE THE JINGLE! A CATCHY JINGLE!! (sings catchy jingle) Never mind the odd serving size of 11.2 oz bottles. Prost!
Smokiest Bar: Preservation Pub – For the 4th year in a row! (This used to be Union Jack’s annual award before they installed those fancy fans) Even before the smoking ban came down last year and forced a decision on bar and restaurant owners, this place was a smoker’s dream. Like most bars that went 21+ and smoking, the smokers have gravitated there en masse. What can you do but suck it up and drink your way through it, right? Pres Pub is great for sitting at the bar drowning your sorrows, having up-close conversations over loud, live music, doing waaay too many shots, and perhaps the occasional wedding proposal if the mood strikes you. Smoke up!
Beer of the Year: Woodruff IPA – By a landslide. Brewed locally and best consumed with a designated driver, the Woodruff IPA packs a punch and a lot of flavor. The stuff only gets better with each drink, which is why it can be dangerous to the uninitiated. “Light” beer drinkers need not bother. This beer has more hops than the NBA and then stings you a la Cassius Clay back in the day. I’ve drank this beer for years and years, but it wasn’t until last year that it became my absolute # 1 beer of choice. I think this one may be locked in for a while. Cheers!
Yeah, it was like that. I managed to use a tiny loophole to drink some gratis Traitorous Jack Daniels that, since I didn't spend my money on it, was technically okay to drink. You've heard the will is strong, but the flesh is weak...well, in this case my constitution rejected this inferior product like a vortex of hatred and pain. It was like surgery gone terribly, terribly wrong. Once again, fuck you poseur Lynchburg pricks. You and your market research can go to Hell.
Yes, we all know the translation. That's kindergarten shit.
This honey liqueur from The Fatherland tastes like one might expect by even a cursory glance at the bottle: Honey and pain.
While researching this stuff, I found the recipes for actual cocktails and cordials more offensive than a klan meeting, so I see no need to burden you with the laborious descriptions. Rather, I will give a few thoughts about the liquid itself. If you think it will taste like cough syrup, then you are on to something...however, it accomplishes this feat by still being more of a drink than potent sludge.
We stumbled across this basket wearing cocksucker a few years back. Like many of these European drinks it had a brief period of cachet among our group...usually by the last person to buy a round of shots once Jager, 'schlager, Jamesons, and Patron had all been purchased.
I'm not saying it is as vile as slivovitz(fuck no) but it can cause problems. One should take care not to be encouraged by the little Grateful Dead show prancing about on the bottle weave. This stuff packs a punch. Fortunately, most of my pubs and bars have begun viewing Barenjager as a purely specialist drink with few takers.
Personally I think it is another confused European drink that further clouds my judgment.
UT alum Lt. 
Oh look, how fucking cute. How fucking avant garde while posing as traditional. I was going to actually post some recipes for this...thing, but after getting enraged by merely looking at the picture with Lemon Pac Man and what appears to be cinnamon, I've opted to go in another direction. Spare yourself the timely method of comparing the relative benefits of cinnamon or honey, tea or cider, brandy or other liqueur.
Instead, just give a big fuck you to all that mess and drink straight bourbon.
But, LVL, you say...the medical community discourages alcohol due to dehydration...not to mention the hardship it causes to the general physic ....blah blah...zzzzzz.
Fuck them in the ear. Drink your way through it, twat.
The holiday season is upon us and with it comes a variety of parties: office/work, neighbors/friends, and naturally, family gatherings. These parties can be lame or hall of fame. Below I’ve outlined a few party scenarios and some observations that you may relate to. Let’s take a look…
Sometimes we forget just how lucky we are in Knoxville, or the entire state of Tennessee for that matter. Sure, our football team just ripped our hearts out this season, but mercifully we have moved on with a new coach and have a brighter outlook for next year. I look forward to many years of Layla Kiffin eye candy as I watch the Vols and drink my whiskey and beer. But we have so much more to enjoy: beautiful scenery, beautiful women, comfortable climate, our own state whiskey (TJD), no state income tax, and 5.0 beer to name just a few. That last one is something that most of us take for granted. Recently I was reminded of the audacious souls who survive on lesser beers in other states that do not allow as much alcohol. Tennessee has some weird liquor laws, but at least we can get our hands around some decent beer when it comes down to it.
He was a hard-headed man,
Okay, okay, I realize the picture above is of Monte Kiffin not Lane...the boy-man who will soon be announced as the twenty-first head football coach at the University of Tennessee. Still, the authors here are quite excited that the new regime will replace 3rd and Chavis with one of the sharpest defensive knives in the drawer. Out with the wretched Mustang package and in with the Cover-2:
During DfV, we here have examined the early implications of the new staff, and while Lane Kiffin was not our first choice, he certainly wasn't the worst potential coach. His assistant coaches will be his strength, and that is something that the outgoing staff was woefully lacking. Some of the Fulllllllmer dead enders will cling (see: Stockholm Syndrome, trauma bonding) to the inbred notions of keeping the defensive staff intact, but those folks are fooling themselves. While John Chavis and staff were quite able on 1st and 2nd downs, they were positively criminal in their schemes for 3rd down. It is tiresome for the defense to play well for two downs only to give up the conversion and repeat the awful scene. It tires out the line(thin during recent years) and causes all the usual detriments when your team is on the short end of the TOP stick. You exhaust your athletes, and let's be honest without Eric Berry and the opportunistic secondary this year's defensive stats look much worse. John Chavis is a good enough coordinator to find suitable employment elsewhere. Best wishes.
The offensive staff needs to get the Hell out of here. That's the worst shit I have seen in my life, and I played on some rotten offenses. Nuff said.
I realize that some on you might wonder why we give attention to football so much here on what is primarily a boozing blog. Well, while it would be a filthy and odious lie to say that this season drove us to drink, it certainly caused a dangerous spike in drinking to the point of catatonia and throwing up. Who among you can think of InCrompetent without wanting to knock back seven Patron shots, two double Makers, six IPAs, and a single Lowenbrau?
That's what I thought.
