Could it be? Party liquor rain?

Tonight, at Patrick Sullivans down in the Old City, we'll be watching the chart-toppin' master troubadour belt out his shit. I suggest that anyone with some free time and a powerful need to drink get "they ass" down there. Sumbitch puts on a show, I'll give him that.

More info can be found at http://www.unknownhinson.com/

Technically he's magnificent. I just hope this time the damn drunk who puked all over the damn bathroom at the last show makes it to a stall this time.

Cathaholics Day

(Not Knoxville)

There was a time, not so long ago, that Mardi Gras stood out on my calendar as a great holiday drinking event that I planned for each year. I would make every attempt to get down New Orleans way come hell or high water. I’d drive 10 hours by myself if I had to, crash on friend’s sofas or floor and eat and drink like the fiend that I am. Most years it would be a few of us piled into a car with enough beer and booze for a small army speeding through Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi on our way to the Big Easy. One year we started in Baton Rouge and drank our way in. Bad behavior was expected and we didn’t disappoint. Some of the most embarrassing moments I’ve lived were during Mardi Gras and I’ve blacked out in New Orleans probably more than anywhere else on this planet. Occasionally we could even afford a decent meal of food but more often we spent our money on booze. Those were kick-ass days.

This year it totally snuck up on me. I just realized that Fat Tuesday was upon us. Knoxville doesn’t have much to offer in the way of celebrating this holiday, not that I’d expect much anyway. One thing I remember was a local jambalaya cook off held downtown but I don’t think they even do that anymore. I’m sure there is a bar party hosted by Miller Lite somewhere around town complete with beads, paper banners and horrible hurricane flavored beer (or is that Bud Light). Last weekend I witnessed the early stages of the 2nd annual Mardi Growl Parade. Great, a fucking dog parade complete with stupid animal/owner costumes and more dog shit everywhere. Excuse me, but I prefer human piss and defecation during my Mardi Gras reveling. The best part about this holiday for me is that I am not Catholic therefore I don’t have to give up anything for Lent. I will continue to drink the same way, day in and day out. Suckers.

Mother of God

Martinis and Chicken Nuggets.

http://thisrecording.com/2008/04/08/in-which-georgia-gives-you-the-mcnuggetini/

I knew the sumbitching commercial with the wedding cake made of those tasty little bastards would spark something like this.

Move the Hell away from the damn bar, shitheads

Christ, was I pissed off last Friday. I've struggled back and forth with the decision to call out the bar where this disgrace occurred. For now, I've opted against it since to smear the business would be somewhat unfair based upon the utter douchebaggery of their patrons...even if the establishment could do more to discourage the bastard practice of standing around a crowded bar after you've received your beverages.

Most decent people know that once you've gotten your drink, you need to allow the patron behind you to belly up to the bar. Unfortunately, with the utter pussification of this nation in the last two decades, someone hasn't been getting the memo...and worse, sentinels of good drinking habits haven't been taking the offenders to the side for a quick word or asswhipping.

No longer.

So I say to you, dipshit college aged turd that wouldn't move after ordering complicated drinks: Fuck you. This little spike-haired bastard further broke good conduct by sticking his arm through my group to fist bump another of his shitface friends. Poor fucking form. I pray to a just deity that your car was keyed and filled with the stench of catpiss and vomit.

I say to you, blondish whore with her whore friends that ordered mind erasers. First, bitch, when the bar is packed you either buy beer or two-part cocktails. Mind erasers? Are you fucking high? Then you and your little collection of STDs had the hard tits to slurp them through the goddamn straw right there. In a circle. In a crowd of thirsty people. You apparently didn't see baleful stares of the staff boring holes in the back of your peroxide hair.(your roots were black as night, harridan)...at least the one poor guy tagging along with your hellish drop had the decency to look around as if expecting to get smashed with a pint glass.

Awful, goddamn awful. I blame your upbringing. You all should take poison and get fucked.

Grocery Wine

The question is put before us again, as if it should even be a question at all. Do we want to allow wine sales in our grocery stores? Hell yes we do, and on Sundays too. Throw in the booze while you’re at it why don’t ya! Ok maybe not, but with genuine apologies to the liquor & wine store owners who will be affected if wine sales are permitted at the grocery, I believe we’re ready to move ahead. Let’s take a look at what we can look forward to if we get Grocery Wine:

Pros

• 2/3 shopping will be convenient. Beer, check. Wine, check. Booze? Sorry booze.
  
• Bulk pricing, right? Gimme a Two Buck Chuck! Charles Shaw y’all!
  
• They really better not fuck up the Sunday situation
  

Cons

• Diminished craft of the liquor & wine store
  
• More religious scows than you’re used to
  
• Cleanup on aisle 12, drunkard alert!
  

I’ve included a simple poll in the upper right section of the page. Let’s see if anyone reading DK is prudish enough to click “no”.

Celebrity Pitchman

Hi, I am a photo-likeness of John Scherer, founder and CEO of Video Professor. I’m the guy that gives away the free computer lessons. Today I’m here to tell you about a great new product that many of you have been asking for. And here it is: How to Drink to Excess, and I’ll give it to you FREE! Now I’m not going to tell you I’ll make you a “hit” at the next big party, doing keg-stands or whatnot, but I can guarantee that I’ll teach you everything you need to know about drinking to excess. Like drinking through a hangover, probably while emptying money out of your wallet.

Now I can do this because I know that after drinking so much you’ll feel so good and satisfied that anytime you want to learn about drinking you’ll come back to Drinking Knoxville for all your drinking needs. With over 200 entries on all of today’s idiotic drinking habits, I know there is more you’ll want to learn. Don’t forget, call now and I’ll send you How to Drink to Excess for FREE! So what do you have to lose? Try this blog product.

Lt. Mellow: Episode XI

Listen up kids, Lt. Rocka is back with a brand new episode. Sit back, relax and enjoy the mellow sounds of Episode XI. This one features a toned-down play list and less verbiage to make it one of the better releases in a while. I do miss the ranting and raving just a bit, but I’ll take this unusually quiet version of Lt. Rocka while it’s here because I know he’ll be fired up and whacked out of his mind again soon enough. Several of these tracks have been in rotation at WUTK 90.3 for the past year or two, so you’ll feel right at home as you’re transported across the podcast universe without ever leaving your chair.

1. Jager Yoga - CSS
2. No You Girls - Franz Ferdinand
3. Tenderoni - Chromeo
4. It’s a Funky Thing, Pt. 1 [Special Feature Mix] - Steinski
5. Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding
6. Bluish - Animal Collective
7. The Step and the Walk - The Duke Spirit
8. White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes
9. Time To Pretend - MGMT
10. The Perfect Plan - Wale
11. Bang! Bang! - The KnuX

Bastardy

What the shit happened to the weather around this place? Prior to the 10,000 calorie Superbowl death party, the sun was shining and the dirt-people were out throwing frisbees or whatever the deuce people toss around when they can't throw a football. Now some 96 hours hence, it's colder than balls on Mr. Brass Monkey.

Yours truly is officially over winter. We've drank our way through the cold...mild by most of the nation's standards, but enough to remind the locals that spring is around the corner.

We're water rats. As you can tell from posts made during last year, we prefer to be in a pool or on the lake. A few years ago, Frank McWoo and I went with a mutual friend to the annual boat show. We got torched on some beers and bourbon before heading inside(standard policy) and mingled among the vendors, customers, and onlookers like ourselves. We crawled all over every runabout, cabin cruiser, and pontoon boat we could find and noticed one common item:

Behold the thousand dollar cooler. Or at least that's what the itemized cost on the sticker told us. Nearly every boat had one of these Igloo marine bastards...and before you scoff, recognize that these things are monstrous...the larger ones being in the 250 quart capacity. That's a lot of beer, bourbon, rum, and I guess some crackers or sandwiches. Coolers this size are often a mixed blessing in the sense that while the boat's important beer-per-hour numbers are improved significantly, these monoliths require elbow grease and additional horsepower so that overall performance is not diminished. Hell, we have to adjust the smaller coolers we utilize to make sure the damn boat will stay planed. (we drink a lot out there)

A cursory search indicates that marine coolers are indeed in the hundreds of dollars price range, so we can all guess the pricing on the new boats were adjusted for haggling purposes...and indeed, to make a patron think twice about getting that bigger motor. Surely I can't justify spending a grand on this sumbitch, but I guarantee someone has.

Fuck, warm weather can't get here soon enough.

Snow Droats!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I didn't expect the wintry mix of snow/rain today. Luckily I have a stockpile of droat pics for any occasion and whether you want to see them or not, here they are:

The snow-droat, perfect for snowy camouflage or making impromptu snow angels without staining your whites.

The highly fashionable snow-white coat droat is a "must-have" according to the website StyleTips101. They suggest taking it easy on the black or drape colors, adding it will make you stand out and look "hot". Indeed!

And finally the Wedding Droat. I shit you not, this UK product is available for a mere 1700 quid, or about $3400. Perfect for getting married outside in the cold, freezing winter weather.

A Good Run

Beer beer beer. Ham ham ham ham ham hamham ham. Beer beer beer. Hambeerham, ham ham, beer beer beer ham beer ham beer beer.


That pretty much sums up my Super Bowl experience yesterday. It was such a good game, even with The Bird unable to complete the miracle run for the title. I guess all good things DO come to an end, be it your favorite team’s season or just the football season as a whole. Our drunken group does know how to make the most of the occasion though, and we made damn sure we had enough booze and food for about 100 people. I consumed at least 10,000 calories throughout the day, thanks to the excess of food and beer on hand. A serious “thanks” to all of you who brought the awesome food – that was one of the best Super Bowl feasts I’ve ever been a part of. The wine and party liquor also helped tremendously.

Talk about a loud bunch of arse-holes, I am totally surprised my neighbors didn’t complain about the noise. I wanted to complain about the noise! I guess that’s what happens when you have 5 former Prick of the Year winners in the same room all shouting over each other and the TV trying to see who can be more prickish. So I must apologize for the missed phone calls from out-of-town/state friends, who I’m certain were calling to wish my team well in the big game. I’ll catch up with you guys soon during the void-of-worthwhile-sports time period between now and next football season.

A final note to those readers who know us: your 2008 Prick of the Year is King Randall the Insufferable. This should not be surprising to any of you. Congratulations prick!

Super Drinking

Thank the football gods the Super Bowl is here! I’ve been far too sober over the past two weeks without football. Not that I haven’t had my share of cold ones lately, but not much is better this time of year than having some friends over for playoff football and chugging lots of beer. And at this Super Bowl I actually have a rooting interest in one of the teams for the first time in years - The Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals will have my support. But I’m most excited about the excessive drinking. An abundance of beer, booze and wine will flow like….wine. In fact, excuse me.

/pours beer

That’s better. The only plan for today is drinking, eating and watching football. A quick look at the food menu: ham n’ rolls, potato skins, hummus, wings, sausage & shrimp etouffee, and a couple of special super dips with chips. Excess is best. Hopefully I’ll be reporting a victory celebration sometime tomorrow if things go my way. Otherwise I may be consumed by a false sense of responsibility and do some actual work. /refills beer