What is best in life?

Crush your beer cans, see them stacked before you, and hear the lamentations of the sober.

**the cans of Stella, Lowenbrau and Coors Extra Gold are particularly excellent**

1947-2009

Although I was just a bit young for it, I'm told that this particular poster adorned every teenage boy's room and dorm in America. Iconic.

On the heels of Dom Deluise passing some months ago, I feel compelled to pay respects to another participant in my beloved Cannonball Run hall o' fame. Seeing her on Burt's arm was just as familiar as seeing her with Lee Majors or Ryan O'Neal. This guy...Mr...er...ah...um...Foyt, not so much.

Quick Question

In today's rough economic climate, inquiring minds need to know:

What's the best-tasting cheap beer?

Please leave a comment with your answer.

Great Drunks of the Silver Screen 8.0

I present to you: The McKenzie Brothers from Strange Brew

Technically, these two misfits were long-standing fixtures on SCTV and other assorted small screen stuff before the early 80's saw fit to give them a bawdy movie.

Strengths: Immune to tainted Canadian beers, bizarre amalgam of invulnerability and stupidity, Hosehead the Dog

Weaknesses: The criminal justice system, Canada, mortal foes of Max Von Sydow

Ah yes, these two lunatics...get a good look at them. Every generalization of Canadian misfits wrapped up in a brotherly package. These two are consummate beer-swillers, knocking them back like water at the end of their SCTV sketches and somehow parlaying that into a modest film cult following. Said film documents their borderline retarded rise from unemployed scam artists to duped employees of Elsinore Brewery, and the inevitable result of criminally insane incarceration.

Along the way, these assholes drink everything not nailed down. Without revealing too much of the 'plot' let's just say that Max Von Sydow's nefarious plans to contaminate beer with a potent suggestive chemical get tripped up by the heroic livers of the siblings. With the help of the equally insane dog, Hosehead, they topple the nefarious plans of Sydow and his henchmen.

Sweet Jesus, look at that prick. I would say this dog is well-trained and a cinematic jewel. In reality, he's probably just goddamn mean. Hosehead is equally immune to the contaminated beer and gains the ability to fly along the way.
Crude, crude editing. To make matters worse, could Toronto not be dropped from that scene? I'd be drunk and borderline insane having to live in that opaque neighborhood.

(a meeting of the minds and its a three-way tie)

Hell, the damn dog is more likable than either of these Great White Gumps. Still, I honor their powerful thirst and clearly inhuman livers.

Beer Review - Palma Louca

Every once in a while you stumble upon a rare quality find if you’re willing to take the risk and try something new. It doesn’t matter if it’s a new restaurant or some product at the supermarket, there are many good surprises out there just waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, Palma Louca of Brasil isn’t one of them. The beer isn’t outright awful, but it isn’t that good either. I decided to try it when shopping for a night cap at the 13th Street Deli. It was overpriced at $11.69 a six-pack but as a late night convenience when I didn’t feel like going out it was better than going out to the bars so I gave it a try. Palma Louca a pilsner style beer that is very light in color and flavor with a slightly bitter finish. The problem is that it is too light and flavorless, and there didn’t seem to be much alcohol at all - I drank 5 without so much as a buzz, so that was disappointing. I’d classify it below most of the American macro brews but without as much taste, body or alcohol. I can see this being a good beer in the heat because it is so light and goes down easy, but for the cost it just doesn’t make sense to pay double the price of domestic beers that taste better and give you some chance of catching a buzz. In other words drink one if it is offered but do not spend any of your hard earned money on this stuff. The only exception would be if you happened to actually be in Brasil or South America where this was one of your only options.

Mixed Bag - New Shit

Hey fellow drunks, notice anything different here? I know that most (all 4) of you may be amazed to see change and progress from a boozing bunch of assholes, yet here we are. Check out the new, kick-ass header and mother-effin’ shield! That’s right, yeah. Admittedly this never would have happened without outside intervention from folks with viable skills and shit, but thanks to our Nashville-based and former Knox-villain buddy we have some new graphics.

Mr. Owl says “Oooo Oooo” to everybody.

We’re not the only refurbished show in town. The Hilton has a sleek, new paint job that looks great. I noticed the update a couple of weeks ago and took this photo:

I like the new look and think it stands apart from the other drab buildings on that block. I feel compelled to drink at the hotel bar, The Orange Martini, just for an opportunity to go in the hotel and let them know that people have noticed. That is also a low priority goal of mine, to drink in more hotel lounges downtown. I’ll see how that goes and will provide updates if it actually occurs.

Music

The Wailers performed last night at Sundown in the City and played the complete album “Exodus”. It was totally packed, more than I can remember seeing down there in a very long time. I walked through and listened just for a minute and they sounded great. This is the one show I should have planned to attend but I had pressing business at the bar and couldn’t spare an extra minute to enjoy the music.

Lt. Rocka hasn’t given us an update in a while so I’ll have to check with him to see what’s up. The Black Crowes are scheduled to play in September; I haven’t seen them in concert for at least 5 years now and don’t know if I’ll make an attempt to see them this time or not, but I would like to go if I can find another relic like myself to see my former favorite band.

Looking ahead

World’s Fair Park has been in the news as a potential site for a brand spanking new library, guess that is a perfect fit since all the homeless folks hang out there anyway, should make an easy commute from the bum table across the lawn to free air conditioning and computer access. Great.

Wimbledon – The Championships. The most prestigious tennis tournament in the world starts Monday and I am fired the fuck up. I hope to watch it on TV as much as possible and will listen online when I am at work. Check the scores, news and listen here.

News Flash! College Students Boozing!

Two little articles that should be shared today.

First from across the pond we have this expose or report about a debauched event at Cambridge.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2482111/Cambridge-students-vomit-and-collapse-after-wild-party.html

Read it if you want. Personally, I like The Sun. Of all the UK quasi-tabloids, I read it like a guilty pleasure. The pictures in this particular article are typical of what I saw back at UTK in the early and mid-90s. Nonetheless the tone is most disparaging and alarmist.

Couple that with this recent gem from Forbes:

http://www.forbes.com/feeds/hscout/2009/06/15/hscout628059.html?feed=rss_forbeslife_health

Again, read this propaganda piece if you want. See, most of Christendom has known about this (questionable) phenomena since time immemorial. Young people away from their parents get trashed and engage in outrageous behavior? No foolsies?

A more apt entry could have been found in your most recent copy of "No Fucking Shit Digest" or by word of mouth on any campus not founded by uptight religious folk. Even then, you'll find the little zealots getting tanked from time to time. You know what, those kids usually turn out okay for it as well. After all, JC was known to hang around some rough characters in the beginning.

The second piece in Forbes is quite familiar...because you see every five years or so some uptight "experts" bemoan the completely patriotic collegiate exercise of getting shit-housed and making very bad decisions. Said busybodies will then posit and offer all kinds of odious solutions that don't amount to jack-shit.

Here at DK, we try to keep our politics out of it...in fact, some of our stronger opinion is just that--and, like assholes we all have them(gauche phrase, but I'm rolling here) but this one time let me just say, fuck off nannies. Life is at times full of wonders both subtle and grotesque. It can be hard. It can be confusing. Once a person leaves home to get going on their own life, our recently acquired freedom will test us in many ways. Some will party hard and still manage to get a decent education. Others will make awful, shitty decisions that will forever screw up their life or someone elses. That is part of it, folks. Fate, or God, or Cthulhu, or whomever will cull the wheat from the chaff, and college is a part of that. Moreover, this activity is not restricted to the students...folks that choose another career path after high school are still quite capable of going on an epic bender. Veterans, tradesmen, barber college...you name it.

So drink on college students. Get written on, eat shitty food, pull your pants off, get arrested, nail that beastly troglodyte...whatever twirls your beanie. Just promise me that when you achieve a level of responsibility or position of power, that you won't turn into the hypocrite that dwells in all of us when our values are challenged by age.

/rant fucking over

Algonquin Round Table(in absentia)

Eddie from Iron Maiden: 'Allo? This bleeding thing on? I flew ollieway from the UK for something called a round table from some tossin' bugger named Lord Von Lord and no one showed up at the airport.


Arrogant Bird: I'm Arrogant Bird. I also was told to appear here...to discuss alcohol for some reason. You almost shot me out of the sky, asshole.
Eddie: Actually, I think it was this cat. Literally speaking.

LaserCat: That's right bird, I'm a cat after all. Some sadistic prick must have invited both of us here at the same time. I've got no idea why...I don't drink booze. Now a catnip panel, that's the shit right there. Maybe this biker can get us up to speed. ::pauses to lick where nuts once were::

Cholla: Beats the piss out of me kitty. I'm looking for Philo Beddoe.

Eddie: He's not here, goddammit. In fact, no one's here. Place is a fucking desert like fucking Tatooine.

Arrogant Bird: Right, here's a note. Mentions something about drinking a shit ton over the next few days and leaving town.

Cholla: Good idea.

Eddie: Let's leave this place a war zone.

LaserCat: Hells yes, let's trash this dump.

Off Topic: Sandwich Showdown

The good: Five Guys, Emory Road

-Classic American cheeseburger, 2 patties, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, mustard
-Fresh-cut fries, abundant portion

I like their franchise. They have a very basic concept and stick with it, nothing too fancy, just a good burger without the pretense. A little pricey for what you get but I’ve never left feeling like I didn’t get my fill. I wish they would open a location downtown, maybe next to the movie theater where they were going to put the unimpressive Gridiron Burgers.


The bad: Trio, Market Square

-Meatloaf sandwich, pieced together patties, grilled onions and way too much ketchup
-Pasta salad, soggy with flavorless dressing

I’ve had good meals at Trio before but this time they totally missed the mark. It was my fault for trying something different, the special. I didn’t expect the sea of ketchup that overwhelmed the sandwich, and I couldn’t scrape it off because it was absorbed by the bread. Next time I’ll stick with the R.B.C. (roast beef and cheddar) or the Reuben. Their pasta salads are always fantastic so I don’t know what happened this time. I’ll chalk it up to a bad day in the kitchen. At least they serve alcohol if you want it.

Monday Hangover – H2O

Good weekend, very good weekend. Lots of drinking of course, and lots of time on the water. Some of the authors spent Saturday afternoon helping our married friends Atlas and MC break in their pool and work on the deck. By “break in their pool” I mean we drank a bunch of beer in the water, and by “work on the deck” I mean we drank a bunch of beer in the water. Not to mention the Maker’s Mark and frozen drinks that followed. I went expecting to stay only a few hours and hit the bars later that night, but after becoming intoxicated and over-stuffed at dinner I never made it past my bed. Oh well.

Sunday was a glorious return to the lake for the first time this year. I awoke in plenty of time to watch Roger Federer win the French Open final and cement his place amongst the legends of the game and perhaps the GOAT title.

A curious early call from Lord von Lord initially pissed me off because it was right in the middle of the friggin match, but I was glad to be reminded of the late night text message we’d received inviting us to the lake for our friend’s birthday. Barely out of my foggy, hung over morning I prepared my gear and hit the road. There must have been 15-20 drunks on the party barge and we had plenty of party liquor to consume: Jagermeister, Rumplemintz, 151 and Maker’s Mark to name only a few. Beer was abundant, and someone brought a lake-ready pong table like the one Scarlett mentioned last year:

I wanted to play but was denied due to a marathon 2.5 hour game that found me too drunk to care at that point. Luckily there was more booze to sate my thirst and it was almost time to leave anyway. I thought I’d be up for some late night buffoonery but once again I never made it past my bed. Maybe I’m getting too old for this shit.

City Improvements

Months ago we pointed out the city of Knoxville’s absurd signage at World’s Fair Park fountains. You remember the one about poop. Well, the city sure wasn’t about to let that snafu happen again. Future Knoxville parks will NOT be shat upon just because they didn’t post the specific rule forbidding it. I saw this sign at Volunteer Landing last weekend. Check out bullet point # 5

I like how it’s casually tucked in the middle of the rules: “no skateboarding, no vending, no shitting in the fountain, no grills…” Ok, thanks Knoxville. I’m glad we got that rule implemented for all of our parks just so unknowing parents and visitors know that we have standards. Some other rules they should consider:

• No murder (during park hours)


• No pan handling regardless of your missed bus, out of state job, booze, etc


• No Pan flutes - ever!


• No shirts/tops if you weigh over 300 lbs. (men only)


• Do not use the FREE doggie bags stationed around the park. Seriously, just leave all the dog crap where it falls. BUT DO NOT GO IN OUR FOUNTAINS WITH DIARRHEA - WE MEAN IT!