What's that? Brewers Jam?

Why yes it is, the Brewers Jam is tomorrow and it looks like I will be attending afterall. This has been a poor year of attendance for my favorite drinking festivals. I was on the brink of skipping this one too until I got the call from Tag B. Let's take a look back on the season:

+ - Rossini Festival
X - Irish Festival
X - Feast with the Beasts
X - Wine on the Water
+ - Brewers Jam

Ok that's 2 for 5, not great but it could be worse. 40% is a failing mark but if it were .400 in baseball I'd be a star. It's all about perspective, man.

In which I speak briefly of Mardi Gras

So folks, here we are in February with that crippling romantic cack behind us and the rest of the drinking year ahead. Thus, a good number of you are celebrating Mardi Gras and therefore probably can't read this very well. We understand.

In fact, I'm going to totally mail this on in. Let's be honest, very few celebrants of MG that I've known care in the least about the traditions of this iconic party. Some make the pilgrimmage to New Orleans to do it proper, the rest of us fake it and get trashed locally. Meh. Beads are offered, boobs are shown, urination is public etc.

Allow me to compensate with a couple of esoteric MG favorites in case you are frigging sick of Hurricanes or Zombies:

Hand Grenade
1 1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz PGA
1/2 oz melon liquer(nasty)
1/2 oz rum
1/2 oz vodka

Collins class works well here. Shake it together. Some folks like to garnish. Personally I add my own touch by garnishing with double the recommended booze. Mackey would triple it because he's living in Glugtown USA.

Also an obscure seasonal recipe is the Creole:
2 oz. light rum
1 oz. lemon juice
1 dash Tabasco sauce
1 dash Worcestershire sauce
1/2 oz. Beef Bouillon
dash of salt
dash of black pepper
lemon slice

The usual order of pouring Bloody Mary-like drinks applies so I won't bother with the details here. Shake the mixture, then add the lemon slice. This is really just another supercharged Bloody Bull, but I suppose every region has them.

If you are going to New Orleans, then please tell the Saint's fans to sober up and get back to work.

Beerfest Review Mk Zwei

By now you have read Mackey's accurate and glowing review of the Twelth Annual Brewers' Jam. Let me first say that proper credentials are the tits. Only shitheels and mendicants get in the gate with conventional tickets. Shame and woe unto your familial line, douche.

God, you luckless dandies and sit-down-pissers missed an afternoon party. Thanks to the bedshitting that is the football season, each of us 3,500 drunks in attendance were able to enjoy a fall Saturday in mutual fidelity and comradeship. As Mackey blogged earlier, this is the only time of the year that I can see fans of The Beatles and Dead mingle with supporters of The Clash and Iggy Pop...who in turn chug with Megadeth and Dethklok fans. Truly it is a halycon day.

In the above photo, taken about 1/4 of a ship's hour before the actual opening, we can see the relative calm before the storm. It's weird, like Egypt before the locusts. Speaking of pestilence, look at these freaks...as Mackey said: like kids out of school.

Except for that queer sumbitch in the middle, it's like an invasion swarming your mined emplacements and murder holes. Christ, you drunks be patient!

Unlike Mackey, I did see some bad behavior. Look folks, when the cops catch you in a restricted area you are screwed. That's true of the beat cop, let alone the command level police officer that ran off a smartass couple and cited them for PI. I'm not a friend of oppressive law enforcement by any means, but when he gives you not one, but two chances to walk away...well then Neil Young and your Yoko of a wife, you need to take it. Seriously. I give props to KPD for showing calm and restraint. Only when pushed(figuratively) did this supervisor assert his authority. They and KFD demonstrated professionalism at this event.

Towards the end of the evening, following trips to see the UT-UGAy debacle, the weather petered out and became most sublime.

Nice. Real nice. This is one of the premier events of the year...and I don't say that just because the food vendors gave me free shit. It's a gentle atmosphere, best enjoyed from your pals in the industry:
Sumbitch it was hot outside the tents. Did I mention that? ESAD.

Rooked!

Why so serious?

Well so far this Autumn has been steaming load of manure. Apart from my awesome rocking birthday, things are going down the rabbit hole in a hurry. Let's review some of the local and indeed, national woes that are getting on my nerves.

First, the Vols are sucking major balls. The completely inept play is a reflection of the coaching staff's baffling stubborness to adapt to the 21st century game. Special teams have been awful(offal) for years. The Vols have given up seven TD's on returns since 2005. Despite reassurance from the staff those problems will be addressed, it never has been. There is no discipline on the field, particularly on offense and the defense is dreadful on third down. Couple these on-field issues with the UTAD's moronic handling of the head coach's contract in Summer and the fan base is in uproar:

Mass hysteria. Cats and dogs living together, as Dr. Venkman has stated.

Also locally, despite oil dropping to a relatively low 90-something a barrel, gas here is as scarce as in Max's post nuclear Australia. Look for bikers, assless chaps, and a dramatic shortage of blowers for muscle cars. This was my morning commute:

Whimsical, no?

Nationally speaking, the body politic reels in the bitter taste of rescues and bailouts of rich assholes and morons that don't understand interest rates and sub-prime lending. Even now, our fearless dolts debate a bill that will give 700 thousand million dollars of our money to these pricks. So, we have economic crises to deal with...plus Ivan and his rusting arsenal rattling his Cossack swords, high energy costs, Lindsay and SamRo, and the always evident threat of alien invasion without the necessary weaponry to repel the ravenous hordes:

Truly these are interesting times, or so the fortune cookie has told me.

Anyhoo, one might ask if there is anything good going on right now. The answer gentle reader is yes. Oktoberfest. Let us all channel the goodwill and drinking karma from Munich...

In short, the authors here believe in one simple and salient truth: When the shit hits the fan, you DRINK YOUR WAY THROUGH IT.

Alcohol Awareness

One of my favorite things about autumn in East Tennessee is that it seems to provide ample opportunities for drinking. Not that we don't drink a shitload of alcohol during the rest of the year, but in the fall, we seem to do it in groups a lot.

In fact, there are so many opportunities for Organized Boozing during the month of October, that I am hereby declaring it Knoxville Alcohol Awareness Month. Because, as I think everyone here would agree, it is important that we all be aware of the alcohol we are imbibing, or, at least, aware that we are imbibing alcohol. Whatever.

The following is a list of some of the alcohol-related events that I've heard about (and may or may not actually attend...depending on how drunk I've gotten beforehand); please feel free to add to the list by leaving a comment, if you know of something I've left out.

Friday, October 3rd: Wine on the Water.
For all of you winos out there, this is Knoxville's premier wine tasting event. Bonus: It's for charity. And who doesn't like to drink for charity.

Saturday, October 4th: Tennessee vs. Northern Illinois.
Is anyone actually going to the stadium for this game? No? Good, we can all meet at a bar and get drunk, as we watch the Vols attempt to actually win one.

Friday, October 10th: Cocktails in the Attic.
Hmmm...cocktails and an auction. Is this a bad idea? Better go and find out. Also, I love the L&N Station. It's such a neat and, in my opinion, underutilized building.

Saturday, October 11th: Brewers' Jam.
I don't need to say a lot about this event, as my colleague Tag Berauscht is doing a fucking miniseries on it. (Kidding, Tag! I'm loving your work so far.) I went to the BJ (hehe) last year and had a blast, so this year I'm just praying that we have good weather again. Because, World's Fair Park can be a bit of a mudpit when it rains.

Saturday, October 18th: Tennessee vs. Mississippi State.
At this point, the Vols are expected to have a 2-4 record. If that ain't an excuse to get together and drink (and boycott Fat Phil), then I don't know what is.

Sunday, October 19th: Hops and Hope 5K.
Let me get this straight: You run in a 5K, and at the end of it, you get to drink beer? Oh, I am so there. Unless, of course, I'm too hung over from the night before. It's a tough call.

Saturday, October 25th: Tennessee vs. Alabama.
One word: Belligerent.

Friday, October 31st: Halloween.
Okay, so I haven't actually listed a specific event here, but I'm sure there will be plenty to choose from. And, with Halloween finally on a decent day this year (the past three years, it was on Mon., Tues., and Wed., dammit), I might actually dress up. This will definitely be a fine night to cap off what looks to be an excellent month of drinking in Knoxville.

And with that...let the Organized Boozing begin!

The Irish Are Coming

Oh those arrogant Irish! I stumbled across a website yesterday about the 1st Annual Irish Festival of Knoxville. As a drunken Scots-Irish descendant you'd think I'd be excited about a new Celtic celebration, or at least supportive. But I'm rather confused by the whole fest. Do we not already honor their kind with a nationally recognized holiday in March? Is this some kind of reaction to Boston winning the NBA title for the first time in 22 years? Hardly. Apparently this is a fund raiser for the local police and firefighters associations. Ho hum, I guess that is okay, but do we need to have it in the middle of summer in freakin' July? I can see scores, perhaps hundreds of pasty-white "Celts" out on the lawns at World's Fair Park ready to burst into flames. (I hope to have my pasty-white arse on the lake!)

If you visit the site you'll find a brief history of Irish immigrants and public service, ticket information ($10 adults, kids free), vendor and sponsorship opportunities, and how the event will be Green. Get it, green? Irish Green - Environment Green. Whatever. Show me to the beer and whiskey vendors and let me drink - that's my heritage. I just hope the police benefiting from the event will let the crowd have a good time without making their arrest quotas on-site.

The Best Unknown Party In Town

Now before all you party host get puffed up about your great 4th of July bash or what ever, this is the best public party in town that you probably have never been to. There is one huge reason I regard this party so highly, but I will save that for last. First reason to attend is the host; The Shrimp Dock on Kingston pike. If you haven't been there you’re missing out on the freshest seafood you can take home, plus at lunch an awesome po'boy, and good frozen soups, with many more things for a great meal at home. They throw this party as customer appreciation, but I feel more like thanking them for doing it every year. Second is the food; an all out shrimp and crawfish boil, and a shuck it your damn self oyster bar. There are many other good features to this party, but let’s get to the big one. BYOB, I am not sure if everyone will see how spectacular this is, but think about bring the beer you choose at the price you usually pay. No $5 a pop for some crap beer that you shouldn't pay a $1 for. Big beer companies want you to buy their beer at home for too much, then at an event charge you six times as much for the same swill, all while standing around looking at their ads that are plastered on everything. What do we get out of that? About 3 beers short of a good buzz, and an empty wallet. That's the reason front loading has become so important. So next year on the Sat. before Cinco de Mayo get your favorite brew and come watch the drunk white people dance to bad 80's covers, while eating some great free food.