Whoa now, easy there

This one made me cringe more than a bit when I heard about it. The News Sentinel ran a story about an unfortunate student incident this weekend that is definitely in the WTF category. I will continue to inebriate myself the old fashion way. More on the subject via Gawker if you just have to know.

Gnome Improvements

Looks like the Roaming Gnome Pub on Cumberland Avenue in Knoxville is undergoing some outdoor renovations (not Stefano's). I noticed some workers on their patio the other day and figured they were sprucing up the place in preparation of football season. Fairly obvious but I was going to contact them via their website to ask for details only to discover that it has lapsed and is now Blackjack En Ligne. After a search it appears they are going the Twitter/facebook route. Fine.

So if you want to know what's new you're going to have to visit in person and see what the hell is going on. Or just drink at home and play online Blackjack.

No, don't do that.

Blackjack En Ligne

Sign Post and Meter Discuss the Weather

Knoxville, TN

Rain, 36 F

Sign Post: Man it’s cold out today, I wish I had a jacket or something, maybe one of those nice, dressy ones I see all the time. Hell, anything would be better than nothing. What the… “HEY! Hey, you with the hat on your head. Where’d you get that hat?”

Meter: What, this old thing? Pfft, I’ve had this at least 2-3 years.

SP: That’s nice, man. What I wouldn’t do for one of those. I’m cold!

M: Yeah, you really should put something on or you’re going to get sick. They say the flu is really nasty this year.

SP: I don’t know how to get one. Where did you get it? Did you make it yourself?

M: Nah, are you joking? I don’t have hands or fingers. My ex got it for me.

SP: What do you mean, “ex”? You had a girlfriend, how the hell does that work? I mean, you just said that you don’t have any extremities, so how do you date?

M: It was a short term thing that didn’t work out, but man it was great while it lasted. She was an artist and really wasn’t into the whole physical thing, just freaky conversations and lots of photography. Plus I think she was rich too, always putting money in my mouth. Kinky stuff.

SP: That is kinda weird, but I’d do it. I wish somebody would give me money, or anything for that matter. A hat would be nice.

M: But you don’t have a head like I do so there’s nowhere to put it.

SP: Tell me about it. Ever since they removed my sign I don’t even know know why I’m here. What’s the point of being here night and day in the cold without a sign? I’m useless…and freezing!!

M: I’m not sure that you could even wear a coat if you got one. You don’t have shoulders or arms to support it.

SP: Yes I could, I’d look good. I’d be the sexiest damn sign post ever!

M: Yeah, whatever. I’ll wait for that. Hey, here come some people, lock it up and be quite or you’ll give us away! (stands still)

SP: (stands still)

(group of 4 walks by brushing against sign post)

M: That was close. They almost heard us, I thought that girl was going to bust us. She looked back like something happened. Did you see that? Hey...

Panda FAIL

This place near Callahan/Clinton HWY doesn’t serve beer, wine or booze but they do cook a pretty mean bourbon chicken.

Am I missing something here?

Ladies, It's TIme....

Get out the droats!

Dueling droat!

Spandau Ballet Droat?

This is the reason...

that I can't stand the Tennessee Titans Houston Oilers. Just look at that ugly shit - worn by the head coach and entire coaching staff no less. Simply awful. Where is Bum Phillips and Dan Pastorini? Earl Campbell? It wouldn't matter, I hated the Oilers then almost as much as I do now. I need a drink to calm my nerve.

Operational Pause

You may have noticed light posting this week, or you may not have paid the slightest bit of attention. Either way, go to Hell. This week isn't about your self-absorbed fantasy.

We're not on trial here.

Regular posting to resume in a few days. Buckle up, it's going to get bumpy...and blurry. Bad juju.

Random Manure

Sometimes I fret that people aren't drinking enough. Living here in this fortress of drinking while being surrounded by the so-called Bible Belt tends to cause paranoid delusions. Trust me, Mordor ain't got shit on some of the baleful glances I get from the teetotalers(especially when their hellish drop is closeby) when I am about town.

A little perspective is needed...because after a cursory and very, very sloppy internet search my faith is restored by the images and other content that screams "THE WORLD POSTS WHILE DRUNK." As you all know, we here at DK make a point to always post whilst sober.

Dear God, I think I am a latter day Mr. Hand.

Look, we all know that drunken text messaging...ill-advised boozy emails, photoshops etc are a fact of life. Consider the insanity of the de-motivational posters that have been co-opted to nefarious ends.

Truly, flying sharks would be bad for our species. Perhaps we can counter them with:

The research that leads to the hovertank program naturally will progress to mobile infantry such as the highly lethal Glitter Boy powered armor:

And so on. I would say people have too much free time...but clearly more people are drinking and using powerful, powerful drugs. Where did this shit begin? I blame Dr. Evil.

Thank you Mike Myers. Who among us can forget the dumbassery of the late 90s when everyone droned on and on about sharks-with-frickin-laserbeams...like it was our own joke and the funniest crap anyone has ever heard. Feh. I name this douchery as the pioneer of said movement. Now, look where we are in the decade hence. The fuckers from South Park put a killer whale on the moon...insert your "pwned" or "fail" caption as you will.

Most offensive(and baffling) are the fuckers from Lego that give us this evidence of extreme intoxication:

That's some awful Seaquest shit right there. But wait, what the hell is on those sharks?

Frickin gamma ray lasers. Someone is/was fucked up when this little trinket got the green light. Give the cocksucker lungs and legs as well, masochist. Not to be outdone, the cautionary signage industry has to get in on the action as well. Some high bastard took the time to come up with this somewhat official looking piece of shit:

And so here we are. As reasonable beings, we can conclude:

1. The world is in fact full of functional drunks that are computer-savvy.

2. Sharks seem to be on the minds of nearly all the populace...which makes even less sense when you live in Nebraska, for example.

3. The Austin Powers series was at least one movie too many.

4. The Absinthe-swilling Euros that work at the Lego mill are clearly the world's biggest Dr. Evil fans.

However, one might ask if this bastard movement of amalgams has run its course...does the drinking/technically competent community have something else in store?

Son of a bitch.


UPDATE: Mother of God, they're learning quickly. Siegecraft!

http://www.wwtdd.com/2009/08/oh-we-are-so-screwed/

City Improvements

Months ago we pointed out the city of Knoxville’s absurd signage at World’s Fair Park fountains. You remember the one about poop. Well, the city sure wasn’t about to let that snafu happen again. Future Knoxville parks will NOT be shat upon just because they didn’t post the specific rule forbidding it. I saw this sign at Volunteer Landing last weekend. Check out bullet point # 5

I like how it’s casually tucked in the middle of the rules: “no skateboarding, no vending, no shitting in the fountain, no grills…” Ok, thanks Knoxville. I’m glad we got that rule implemented for all of our parks just so unknowing parents and visitors know that we have standards. Some other rules they should consider:

• No murder (during park hours)


• No pan handling regardless of your missed bus, out of state job, booze, etc


• No Pan flutes - ever!


• No shirts/tops if you weigh over 300 lbs. (men only)


• Do not use the FREE doggie bags stationed around the park. Seriously, just leave all the dog crap where it falls. BUT DO NOT GO IN OUR FOUNTAINS WITH DIARRHEA - WE MEAN IT!
  

Ok, I Get It

There’s a stencilled image plastered all over downtown that rivals the number of Travis Henry's offspring.

Who the hell is this broad?

After seeing this image so damn much I can’t help but notice it constantly. For months now this thing has lurked around the next street corner to the point where I think it’s stalking me. From Market Sq. to the Old City I see it everywhere and I'm more than a little tired of it.

Is it legit graffiti if you use a stencil, and is this a person I'm supposed to know? Doubtful on both, but you can't lock her up in a cage...

...she always escapes:

Trust me, there are plenty more of these images all over downtown. Lucky for you my camera batteries ran out when I was taking these.

Checklist

Another wonderful holiday weekend is here and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’m looking forward to a 3 day weekend of pure nothingness – except drinking and eating. And maybe some social interaction but I’m debating that part. Anyway I thought it would be selfish not to share my top secret holiday planning list with everyone. Adjust yours accordingly.

Beer, Booze, & Wine, then Water, Soft Drinks, Mixers, Mace, Grill, Charcoal/Gas, Meats, Dirty Yellow Man, Marinade/Seasonings, Guile, Snacks, Chips, Dips, Sides/Veggies, Cups, Plates, Napkins, Crabs, Silverware, Rumors/Half-truths, Bug Spray, Music, Games, Posca, Sports, Rabbit Ears, Boating/Swimming Pool, Kitty Kaga, Frozen Drinks, Friends/Family, Sharpie, Aspirin, Buns, Ladies Tampuns, Sunglasses, Comfortable Shoes, Cash Money, Lighter, Lounge Chair, Towels, Double Shots, Sunscreen, Wisecracks, Tennis Racquet, Balls, Grocer, Frisbee®, Jibbry Style Oinkery.

And ice.

Algonquin Round Table Mk IV

Ladies and gentlemen, once again yours truly will make another abortive attempt to host a panel discussion on functional drinking from noted boozing icons. In the past, we have not been as successful as we would like...unsurprising in the conventional sense because most of the panelists are indeed, raging and complete drunks. So...lets all just take a big bite of this latest shit sandwich and be thankful there's a lot of bread. Today's guests include:

First, I give you a repeat DK guest: Little Enos Burdette.Lord Von Lord: Afternoon Mr. Burdette. Nice western-style leisure suit.

Little Enos Burdette: It matches my daddy's, dummy.

LVL: Indeed it does. Not sure though that's a positive point. Next, I would like to introduce Rick Gassko, school bus driver/pit boss and social climber.

LVL: Thanks for taking the time out of your bachelor party Rick. Say, are those crossbow bolts?

Rick Gassko: Well I wasn't sure about the first one, but the second time I was convinced. I expected a party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze, but I draw the line at crossbows.

LVL: At least it ran the pimp off. Next up, we have interstellar scourge and warlord of Mongo: Ming the Merciless.

::PALACE GATE FLIES OPEN::

Ming the Merciless: Greetings pitiful Earth fool. I'll be with you just as soon as I have dispatched this noxious washed-up Jets quarterback.

LVL: That doesn't look like Testeverde, or even that douche Favre. Wait...this is from the movie, right?

MTM: Silence mortal. Swordfighting is thirsty work.

LVL: Shit, who let this asshole in? (checks notes, blames Mackey) Well, finally we introduce the drunken billionaire and armaments genius Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man. Welcome Tony:

LVL: Wait, you're not Iron Man per se!

War Machine: Yeah, no shit. Tony couldn't make it today. Taking part in a hardly known blog authored by idiots was down on his list. You know, what with designing planet-smashing kinetic weapons in his private jet and so forth. Never fear, I have all the answers you need right here in this minigun.

LVL: Fuck. Well lets begin with you Mr. Burdette.

LEB: Fine, fire away dummy.

LVL: Describe the hardship of living on the wrong side of the Mississippi during the heyday of bootlegging. Just how difficult was it to smuggle Coors?


LEB: First you have to hire some prima donna assholes to haul it. I mean, look at this truck...a man who would paint his trailer like that would wear feathers to a preacher's funeral.

LVL: But, he got it there in time didn't he?

LEB: Snowman could have made better time if that sumbitch Bandit wasn't playing grabass with every relentless county sheriff out there.

LVL: Touche. Next, Rick. Your bachelor party in NYC was the stuff of legend. Rumor has it that you and your degenerates had a band, profligate drug supplies, and ample hookers and porn.

RG and degenerates: Now wait, that last statement was only partially true. We all know that vino is keeno, but did you actually see the porn in question? Usually I don't like my filth that clean.

LVL: What about the donkey show?


RG and degenerates: You mean the arts? How can this be offensive to anyone...even if they are painfully sober? Just call it the benefit of living prior to PETA and the ASPCA. Besides, the donkey had a real good time.

LVL: Didn't the donkey(which is phallic by the way) expire at your bachelor party? In a hotel suite at that?

RG and degenerates: The real crime was that the mule didn't get laid before it bought the farm. Get it? Farm?

LVL: Yes, I get it. Although in today's age, a dead donkey is even in a worse predicament. In case you haven't heard, necro-bestiality is the rage these days ( http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/04/nasty-fetish-champion-just-say-heck-no-to-necro.html )

RG and degenerates: Oh, we have got to party with them. Everyone in the bus fellas, we're crossing state lines!

LVL: Let the record reflect that I had nothing to do with that. Now, if we could...

MTM: Enough, you pitiful fool. Your screeching is offensive to my hangover.

LVL: Yeah, about that your excellency...I couldn't help but notice you are portrayed as drinking often.

and this...

LVL: How do you reconcile functional boozing with ruling a multi-planetary empire?

MTM: I have an impressive HR and legal department. You think I'm evil? I've not got shit on those cocksuckers. Besides, have you seen Mongo fashions? Not even those hags on Sex in the City would wear this mess. Of course I'm plowed all the time. Running this place sober is out of the question.

LVL: Well functional drinking is the theme here, Mr. Burdette, you have something to add?

LEB: Just that I like the cut of his jib. Do they make those outfits in 12-dwarf?

LVL: Dreadful. Positively dreadful. Do you have anything to add regarding Mr. Stark's whereabouts, War Machine?

WM: Simulations conclude that he is most likely either having: A deeply personal introspection like so-LVL: Hmmm...that doesn't sound very functional, in fact it's a bit well...morose and self-loathing.

WM: Have you ever tried to clean puke out of these armored suits?


LVL: Hmmm, is that some sort of seasonal green armor War Machine, for St. Patrick's day and all?

WM: Oh it's green alright...but it's not festive, I can tell you that. You have to spray that shit out of there with a fucking hose. Try doing that while supersonic at 30k feet.

LVL: I'll pass thanks. So basically, what each of you is telling me is that your success is completely independent of your profound boozing and not because of it?

RG and degenerates: Yep. I could of had the girl or the car.

LEB: Right.

MTM: Precisely.

WM: Tony built a suit of armor that can take out a main battle tank...you don't do that kind of thing if you can't handle your gin.

LVL: Well, this really didn't solve anything. Little Enos, can you spare a case of Coors?

LEB: I'd like to kick your ass, just once.

I've heard of fog-breathers, but this?

Read this absurdity:

http://www.fastcompany.com/blog/cliff-kuang/design-innovation/bar-serving-alcoholic-mist-gets-you-drunk-you-breathe

Apparently for the sum of £5 an hour you can stand around and huff gin fumes while in a Hazmat suit. At least its Hendricks rather than shit gin.

Mother of God

Martinis and Chicken Nuggets.

http://thisrecording.com/2008/04/08/in-which-georgia-gives-you-the-mcnuggetini/

I knew the sumbitching commercial with the wedding cake made of those tasty little bastards would spark something like this.

Celebrity Pitchman

Hi, I am a photo-likeness of John Scherer, founder and CEO of Video Professor. I’m the guy that gives away the free computer lessons. Today I’m here to tell you about a great new product that many of you have been asking for. And here it is: How to Drink to Excess, and I’ll give it to you FREE! Now I’m not going to tell you I’ll make you a “hit” at the next big party, doing keg-stands or whatnot, but I can guarantee that I’ll teach you everything you need to know about drinking to excess. Like drinking through a hangover, probably while emptying money out of your wallet.

Now I can do this because I know that after drinking so much you’ll feel so good and satisfied that anytime you want to learn about drinking you’ll come back to Drinking Knoxville for all your drinking needs. With over 200 entries on all of today’s idiotic drinking habits, I know there is more you’ll want to learn. Don’t forget, call now and I’ll send you How to Drink to Excess for FREE! So what do you have to lose? Try this blog product.

Give Me Miller & Meat!

So it’s Miller Time, 100% of the time on Al Gore’s internet, but does she look good in bacon? I bet she would look better than this meat-clad chick if they only had her size. Apparently this fashion trend hasn’t caught up with Knoxville just yet, maybe by 2012. For more food-as-clothing check out the folks at InGameNow, who have delicious babes wearing meat-bikinis just in time for your Super Bowl preparations.

Hell Fucking Yeah

I'll say it again:

HELL. FUCKING. YEAH.

Algonquin Round Table Mk III

Greetings all,

In another attempt at serious discussions on the important drinking issues facing today's imbibers, yours truly has convened a crack association of panelists. And when I emphasize serious, important, and crack you know I mean it. So today's Round Table consists of from my left:

Noted slacker and Slavophobe Russ Ziskey:

Russell Ziskey: Glad to be here LVL. Things are certainly looking up for me. After all, this is America. You can go from teaching immigrants such fantastic Anglo phrases as "Son of bitch" and "Shit" to raping across Eastern Europe in a Winnebago.

LVL: Rapine you say? Curious, don't you mean pillage?

RZ: No.

LVL: Next panelist is temporally displaced warrior Kyle Reese:

LVL: Welcome Kyle, how is working for Tech-Com these...er...ah future days?

Kyle Reese: What the fuck do you think? Being chased by asshole robotic minions and only rotgut shine to drink in a radioactive future?

LVL: But there is booze you say?

KR: Well yes, but that's not the point...

LVL: Hey, it's not my fault Skynet wiped out all the IPA in a nuclear first strike. Next up, a nasty from the pasty, renowned writer and sedate bisexual Oscar Wilde:

Oscar Wilde: Why hello genteelmen. Can I offer you some of the Green Fairy while we converse? Perhaps some cocaine as well?

RZ: Are you coming on to me sir? Because I'm not homosexual, but I am willing to learn.

LVL: Careful Russ. That will get you discharged, right Kyle?

KR: Not in the future. We need all able men and women to fight off these sober fuckers.

OW: Oh my. Are these stolid android androgynes some sort of neo-prohibitionists? How patently absurd.

KR: Well, they are prohibitionists in the strict sense that they want all of us dead, yes.

OW: When I matriculated, we called such boors Tories!

LVL: I bet you did, Frenchy.

OW: I am Irish sir.

LVL: We all know God hates the Irish, I don't blame you for leaving. Finally, last panelist today filling in at the last minute, let's give a literally giant applause for cosmic scourge and demipower:

Galactus!

LVL: Greetings big man, how's the air up there? Can you tell us just how many pints or shots you can knock back...you know, what with your immense size and tolerance? Wouldn't that make for some expensive nights out in the Sagittarian arm of the galaxy?

Galactus: BEHOLD INSECT!





LVL: Well that might do it for this installment of the Round Table. My fucking ears are bleeding and I'm thirsty.

KR: Holy fuck! It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until its dead!

RZ: I was just supposed to guard the truck! Well I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it!

OW: So...Mr. Galactus, doing anything tonight?

LVL: This isn't going well.

Death take me quickly

Mother of God. Fox Sports, what hath thou wrought? It's bad enough that the shithole lizards won the national title, but must you seek out this stereotype for the public? Look, we all enjoy the now famous pictures of Husker and Buckeye children tearing up, but this is just in poor taste.

A pox upon thy house.