Oh, the six demon bag!

Jack Burton: Terrific, a six-demon bag. Sensational. What's in it, Egg?

Egg Shen: Wind, fire, all that kind of thing!

Once upon a time there were Three Storms.

They had rotten attitudes. They would smash marketplaces and livestock all over the Chinese sector. You know, shake down immigrants in steamy streets cloaked in perpetual night...break windows in the local dry cleaner that didn't pay protection and so on. This sort of shit:

Well, la de da. Appearances notwithstanding they put on quite the show. This one in particular had a mean streak. Alas, all good things must come to an end. Where are they now?

Rain ended up moving a few subdivisions over from me apparently. I go over for yard/deck drinkin' from time to time. Not many henchmen end up in surburbia.

Fun fact: Rain can drink his weight in beer.

Shit from elsewhere

Some interesting news and notes across the Atlantic and Pacific:

Looks like Belgium is running out of beer(how did that move to InBev treat you Anheuser Busch?) due to, what else-strikes and protesters.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20100121/wl_time/08599195467500

I don't drink Headbusters any longer, but don't fuck with my Stella you douchebags. That article states that beer consumption is down across Europe which this author finds remarkable. It's almost enough to make one pine away for the days when Europe was a fine hotbed of religious persecution, dysfunctional alliances, and machine gun manufacturers.

The other bit of news comes to us from Japan, home to weird shit even before Sekigahara. Did you know that one of the world's most popular brands of Scotch whisky hails from Yoichi? You may see this mean bastard on package store shelves very soon.

Import laws have been very hard on this distiller. That's not surprising though, given that even Seagrams had to settle disputes before being allowed to sell a Kentucky Bourbon(Four Roses) in large amounts here in the states. Strange. Even though I don't drink from the malt whisky tree/style I still welcome any beverage that is cleared to move here in the States. The founder of this distillery traveled to Scotland in the early 20th century to learn their secrets, and so the first manufacturing facility for this stuff was established in 1934, at a time when Japan's primary exports were a Sino occupation force and torpedo bombers.

Nikka is owned these days by Asahi, whom most of us will recognize as a fairly popular Japanese beer. Looks like they used their stroke to break down the prohibition against their Scotch being sold in the US. I doubt very seriously that I'll ever drink a drop of it, but hey this shit's not about me and my bullshit opinion. At the very least I can appreciate the challenge of making malt whisky in a climate that differs significantly from Scotland. Cheers!

Algonquin Round Table Part Deux

Greetings all. Today I embark upon some needed discourse on boozing it up. I have assembled a crack team of both historical and fictitious personalities to offer perspective and opinion about the important drinking and social issues of our age.

Our panelists: Ike Turner, Animal Mother, Mick Mars, and Richard Dawson

LVL: Let's start with you Mr. Turner. What can you offer us from your often tumultous time with Tina Turner?

Ike Turner: I am the greatest lover who ever walked the Earth.

LVL: And what did you drink in those days to ease the anguish of such a relationship?

Ike Turner: Pimp hand, bitch!

LVL: Uhh, certainly Ike. Say...is Rick James available over there on the other side? No?

LVL: Okay then...we now turn to prominent Vietcong dispatcher Animal Mother.

LVL: Welcome.

AM: I'm gonna tear you a new asshole.

LVL: Charming, jarhead savant killer. Say, is that a VC over there?

AM: FUCK!

LVL: Impressive killpower and prejudice, sir. Now, let us introduce a man with no need of introduction Richard Fucking Dawson!

RD: 'allo 'allo! 'ellen 'ave you 'idden my 'atchet?? Cor! Blimey! Straight up from Sussex you lot arrrr! Let's play d' feud!

LVL: Sir, we aren't playing that game, and there are no women here for you to grope, despite your impressive gin/rum/scotch breath...which I might add defies all reason.

RD:ZZZZZZZZ

LVL: Shit. Fuck. Um...now, last panelist...slightly renown but utterly cool guitarist of Motley Crue, Mick Mars.

MM: Ten seconds to love!

LVL: Exciting, Mick. Been a big fan since Live Wire. Let's start with the rumors that Nikki injected all kinds of shit in his veins. Your take?

MM: If I want to do a concert with my ball bag hanging out, I can do it...I'm Mick Mars!!

LVL:Your rebuttal Ike Turner?

Ike Turner: Gots to keep the pimp hand strong.

LVL: What say you Animal Mother?

Animal Mother: If I'm going to get my balls shot off for a word, I want that word to be poontang.

(gestures with M-60, bungalow flies open)

Da Nang Hooker: Hey, you got girrfriend Vietnam? Me so horny. Me ruv you rong time. (conjecture, license)

LVL: Wonderful.

Ike Turner: Pimp hand, bitch!

Great Drunks of the Silver Screen 4.0

This installment, I give you an entire legacy of drunks: The Nerds

::gestures dramatically::

Tochi from Revenge of the Nerds













Oh I drink to that!

Strengths: Vast scientific knowledge, screaming for vengeance, drunk tricycle riding

Weaknesses: Nerd, the letters L and R, preternatural obsession with hair pie

Ah yes, the resurgence of the college party film that began with Animal House passes the baton to the venerable Revenge of the Nerds series. (disclaimer: only the first two, anything else reeks of burning dogshit) Tochi breaks down stereotypes of Asians being poor drivers and even worse drinkers. Tochi is key to the Tri-Lambs victory against the rotten, but handsome, Alpha Betas and their Pi counterparts. Tochi is apprentice to this man:













Booger aka Dudley Dawson


















Strengths: Blowing the fuckers up, wonderjoints, belching contests

Weaknesses: Filth, Omega Mu(the moos), preternatural obsession with hair pie

Booger is a piece of work. This slice of human debris is a primary character in the films. That is also to say, primarily drunk and disgusting. Booger is seen constantly drinking and smoking his way through Adams College...that is when is he not combing the high schools for dates. Booger assists his fraternity to win the utterly fanciful campus games by defeating Ogre during a beer-fueled belching contest. Very academic and cosmopolitan, Dudley Dawson is the epitome of refinement.

During the second film, Booger hones his...skills under this horrid man:




















Edgar Po Wong. They call him Snotty.














Strengths: Fuck you. Who died and made you God?

Weaknesses: Fuck you. Who died and made you God?

Snotty is encountered shortly into the second film, as the idiots travel to Florida. Like most of America's elderly, Snotty has come to the Hotel Coral Essex presumably to die in his own waste. Even the veteran Booger finds Snotty's putrescence appalling. Snotty has an impressive knowledge of chemistry and cocktails that would gag a billy goat.

Most of the 1980's college films have a rich and diverse grouping of drunks. Indeed, some purists might question the omission of Ogre from this list. Fair point. But then again, go fuck yourself.