Drunken Jukebox 9

Behold the Drunken Jukebox: Music to Motivate Your Liver. A little bit country, a little bit rock ‘n roll, punk, rap, hip hop and pop crap, old or new– all musical genres and periods are open for exploitation. Quarters and crisp dollar bills not required.

Thank you MCA:



Somebody left a quarter in the jukebox, bonus song!

Drunken Jukebox 3

In what may (or may not) become a regular DK feature, behold the Drunken Jukebox: Music to Motivate Your Liver. A little bit country, a little bit rock ‘n roll, punk, rap and pop crap, old or new– all musical genres and periods are open for exploitation. Quarters and crisp dollar bills not required.

This installment features a resurgent spirit near and dear to our Eastern Tennessee hearts (and livers): Moonshine. Once illicit and considered dangerous in many ways it is now a legitimate enterprise taking off in the alcohol world. Newspapers and websites have been filled with recent success stories and even cocktail recipes coming out of Gatlinburg. UT football season is upon us and everybody knows the Volunteer fight song lyrics:

“Once two strangers climbed on Rocky Top, looking for a moonshine still. Strangers ain’t come back from Rocky Top, reckon they never will. Corn won’t grow at all on Rocky Top, dirt’s too rocky by far. That’s why all the folks on Rocky Top get their corn from a jar”

It’s football time in Tennessee. It’s also Labor Day weekend meaning it’s Boomsday weekend too. And let’s not forget that it’s Lord von Lord’s birthday weekend. Now, please enjoy the musical styling of George Jones aka The Possum.

Monday Hangover

Pretty good weekend from what I can remember. Let’s see, a relatively easy-going Friday night, had some drinks at the brewery and Soccer Taco late to end the night. Saturday was the Vols game vs. UCLA and we all know how that went. We started the day strong front loading and having food at The Hill before everyone met up at my Urban Bunker for lots more beer (R.I.P. beautiful IPA keg) and booze, Patron to be precise. I should know better than to shoot too much of that prior to kickoff – shit makes me all woozy and sleepy and that just doesn’t cut it on game day. With the disappointment of a close loss we had a letdown of enthusiasm but managed to drink our way through it anyway.

NFL football on Sunday made things better. Even though I didn’t have a keg full of beer there was plenty of vodka to nurse me through the 10+ hours of football viewing. Awesome. And there are 2 Monday Night Football games tonight, so that’s nice. I’m not even too disappointed that my team, The Bird lost its opener to the lowly SF 49ers because nobody suffered a worse loss than the Bengals weird finish. Those poor bastards just have the worst luck in the entire league, so better luck next time. Ok, I’ve got some Kraut-beer sitting cold in my fridge, so call me Doug ‘cause I’m outta here.

(Soccer Taco, big ass beer)

The Rock, UT Campus

UT’s makeshift billboard known simply as “The Rock” has found a new home. The huge boulder that sat for decades on campus at the corner of Volunteer and Temple made the journey all the way across the intersection to its new resting spot at, er…., well, Volunteer and Temple, in front of the music building. I never painted the rock but used to enjoy the art and comments during my time there as a student. The only difference I can foresee is the loss of a prime tailgating spot near the music building. We used to set up HQ there back in the days when our out-of-town alumni would come back for homecoming and have tons of fun. Heckling the b-squad cheerleaders, setting up a full bar, tossing the football, dropping trou causing mothers to shield their children’s eyes – these are all things that will be interrupted (but not ceased) by moving The Rock to its new home. Here’s to celebrating The Rock for many decades to come, cheers.

Before

After

(the rear)

Spring Practice

Ok, listen up guys, bring it in bring in it. We’re wrapping up spring practice and things are looking good. Real, real good, but we still have a lot of work to do, and things have to get so much better. You’ve put in a ton of hard work in a short period of time so far this year but it doesn’t end today. I can’t stress that enough: It Does Not End Today, okay? We’ve got to build on what we’ve learned so far and add to that Every Day. The Season will be here before we know it and we’ve got to be focused and ready to go from that first whistle. We’ve made strides since our first open practice just a few weeks ago. We’re past those simple mistakes like wearing the wrong gear, timing, hydration – now we can step it up and hit the ground running with intensity. We’ve added some new faces and even lost a few. That’s part of it. You’ve got to be committed to what you’re doing and come ready to prove that day in day out you are going to be prepared to give it your all. We’re only going to have a couple of hours to see where we stand before heading into summer, so let’s have a good day of drinking and go see the Orange and White scrimmage game.

Beehive State Perspective

Sometimes we forget just how lucky we are in Knoxville, or the entire state of Tennessee for that matter. Sure, our football team just ripped our hearts out this season, but mercifully we have moved on with a new coach and have a brighter outlook for next year. I look forward to many years of Layla Kiffin eye candy as I watch the Vols and drink my whiskey and beer. But we have so much more to enjoy: beautiful scenery, beautiful women, comfortable climate, our own state whiskey (TJD), no state income tax, and 5.0 beer to name just a few. That last one is something that most of us take for granted. Recently I was reminded of the audacious souls who survive on lesser beers in other states that do not allow as much alcohol. Tennessee has some weird liquor laws, but at least we can get our hands around some decent beer when it comes down to it.

Our good friend, and former Knoxvillian, Frank has transplanted himself in the beehive state for the past several years. As many of our friends and UT alumni have moved out of state we attempt to stay somewhat connected, and some have even found their way to our little blog seeking a taste of Knoxville. Frank sent me an email about a week or two ago lamenting the woeful Vols and 3.2 beer in Utah. My liver weeps for all those who must endure weak beer and lack of proper drinking whiskey (aka party liquor). I've reposted his message below as a reminder to us all: it's hard to get drunk on 3.2. So true that there's even a song about it, check the YouTube link.

As I read the tales of debauchery from my longtime home in Knoxville, I don't know whether to be envious or grateful. In most years it would not be as difficult to lament being stuck here in a southern Utah town with a population of about 200, no work, Vermont-like temperatures(OK-not that bad), and 0(zero) bars per capita. However, Coaches Fulmer and Whittingham have complicated the situation. While I have to drive 60 miles round trip to the closest "liquor store", a closet in the corner of an outdoor retailer, pizza joint, and fishing guide operation that is open from noon to 7pm five days a week, I have found solace in one way that I might also offer as an option to my friends on the liver transplant wait list in Knoxville-support the Utes.

I know-the Mountain West is not a real conference. Hence Utah's inability to secure a Rose Bowl appearance despite an undefeated conference title-winning season(the second such in five years). But this actually provides a good short term opportunity for disenchanted Vol fans. Rather than have to debate the age-old question of whether it is better to root for or against conference rivals in bowl games, buy a red sweatshirt. Watch the SEC championship game with the same anticipation as your boys in Salt Lake City-"give us Bama or the Gators, in New Orleans or Tempe, just get us out of Utah/Knoxville." Enjoy having and defeating a truly nauseating, elitist rival like BYU (Jim McMahon not withstanding)-think Vanderbilt but more Vanderbilty. Then, when UT (that's kinda confusing huh? UT/UT Tennessee/Utah get it? here I meant the Vols) returns to prominence once again and Johnny Majors Ave is once again filled with revelry, any Utah connection is easily denied due to a relative lack of national media coverage and who will remember anyway?

Of course, it could be my unfortunate situation that has led me to such desperation. I may be thinking too clearly. Too much blood in my alcohol system and all that. After all, "it's hard to get drunk on 3.2."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S44uM9zodIQ

Go Utes,
Frank McWoo

The grass is always bluer
On the other side of the fence
And you know love is always sweeter
When she gives you a second chance
We came in through Nevada
Mr. Two Peak got us here
And now we'd like to have a taste
Of good Rocky Mountain beer

(chorus:)
I remember the sound of her sweet southern voice
As I jumped out the window and was gone
I remember the cool Colorado night
But there was something I forgot
In these big Rocky Mountains where there's so much to do
It's hard to get drunk on 3.2
If it's CU Boulder or BYU
It's hard to get drunk on 3.2

Some folks they joined the Peace Corps
Some work to ban landmines
Other folks help the world one bar at a time
My head is sober, my stomach's full
To better serve the Lord
I'll never be untrue when I'm drinking 3.2
Thanks to that state liquor board

(chorus)

If it's CU Boulder or BYU
It's hard to get drunk on 3.2
It's hard to get drunk on 3.2
It's expensive to get drunk on 3.2

The Kiffman Cometh II

He was a hard-headed man,

He was brutally handsome,

and she was terminally pretty

She held him up, and he held her for ransom in the heart of the cold, cold city

He had a nasty reputation as a cruel dude

They said he was ruthless, they said he was crude

They had one thing in common, they were good in bed

She'd say, 'Faster, faster. The lights are turnin' red."

Life in the fast lane

Surely makes you lose your mind,

Life in the fast lane

Are you with me so far?

The Kiffman Cometh

Okay, okay, I realize the picture above is of Monte Kiffin not Lane...the boy-man who will soon be announced as the twenty-first head football coach at the University of Tennessee. Still, the authors here are quite excited that the new regime will replace 3rd and Chavis with one of the sharpest defensive knives in the drawer. Out with the wretched Mustang package and in with the Cover-2:

During DfV, we here have examined the early implications of the new staff, and while Lane Kiffin was not our first choice, he certainly wasn't the worst potential coach. His assistant coaches will be his strength, and that is something that the outgoing staff was woefully lacking. Some of the Fulllllllmer dead enders will cling (see: Stockholm Syndrome, trauma bonding) to the inbred notions of keeping the defensive staff intact, but those folks are fooling themselves. While John Chavis and staff were quite able on 1st and 2nd downs, they were positively criminal in their schemes for 3rd down. It is tiresome for the defense to play well for two downs only to give up the conversion and repeat the awful scene. It tires out the line(thin during recent years) and causes all the usual detriments when your team is on the short end of the TOP stick. You exhaust your athletes, and let's be honest without Eric Berry and the opportunistic secondary this year's defensive stats look much worse. John Chavis is a good enough coordinator to find suitable employment elsewhere. Best wishes.

The offensive staff needs to get the Hell out of here. That's the worst shit I have seen in my life, and I played on some rotten offenses. Nuff said.

I realize that some on you might wonder why we give attention to football so much here on what is primarily a boozing blog. Well, while it would be a filthy and odious lie to say that this season drove us to drink, it certainly caused a dangerous spike in drinking to the point of catatonia and throwing up. Who among you can think of InCrompetent without wanting to knock back seven Patron shots, two double Makers, six IPAs, and a single Lowenbrau?

That's what I thought.

Blue Faggellas

By the gods, Kentucky Wildcat fans suck.

You little shits left before I could rub your loss in fully. To clarify, you fucking idiot douchebags and your weird ass blue sweaters and coats just can't get it through your heads. We don't lose to you. Ever. Even our worst football team in three decades kicks your well-explored asses.



Shitheads.

Drinking for Vengeance

Ah...with the passing of Drinksgiving into the ash heap of history, we welcome the coming of another of our smaller seasons known as Drinking for Vengeance. DfV always starts the Saturday following Turkey Day and runs for about a week. Fueled by the noxious sobriety of family members, this small precedent to Whiskey Season gets the blood up and purges the body's various humours of well...humor. It is not a time of mirth but determination.

We start this DfV with a home game...the merciful end to a rotten football season and the swan song for Phil Fulmer. The contest itself is inconsequential, and I suspect that both teams will flop about in a proverbial holocaust on offense. We will be attending to insure that Fulllllllmer does in fact, leave.

Well, time to get this shitstorm rolling. A nice drop of wine to set me up for the day is the first order of business...

Homecoming Supplemental

Mackey's adequate of description of the last weekend not withstanding, I also feel compelled to contribute to that blitzkrieg. First, like Mackey I have pictures of bucholic autumns at UT.



Not a bad shot for a guy with a Solo cup of straight whisky. This was early of course, and it got insane real fast. So secondly, we truly reaped the whirlwind.



The shots above were courtesy of this asshole, depicted here sans pants(and dignity) in the bottom level of the G-10 lot for aging hipsters and punk asses.

It's November you freak.

Monday Hangover – Homecoming Edition

What a freaking cool Homecoming weekend! Totally awesome. Just so good to see everybody. The way we took it to those Cowboys from Wyoming, man I bet they don’t want to come back to Knoxville anytime soon. We showed them who the Vols really are and what Tennessee football is all about!! What’s that? Wait, it sounded like you said we LOST. Ha ha, good one. You’re such a kidder! I was there, I saw it myself…

/alarm clock rings

Damn, it’s Monday.

No Visible Wounds, No Jail Time
Despite the nightmare loss on Saturday things did go pretty well this Homecoming weekend when you consider that we had 2 arrests at Homecoming last year. Due to various reasons we had fewer alumni in town this weekend: hurricane clean up, travel to India, stuck in Utah, etc. So just having less people in town probably lowered our odds of trouble, but that doesn’t automatically prevent bodily harm. Once again I took a drunken stumble, though luckily I didn’t maim my face or draw blood this time. I’ve been told that on Friday night I was running down the street and took a tumble in some wet leaves. Apparently I didn’t account for the turn and went flying into the air, landed awkwardly on my wrist and ribs, and yes they hurt like heck when I breathe. So I’ve added yet another achy episode to the low-light reel while avoiding jail time. Nice!

It’s one thing to elude the authorities - friends and bartenders are a different story. They aren’t going to arrest you and lock you away, but they sure as hell will hold you guilty of drunken “crimes” and won't let you forget things as punishment. I mean, I really enjoy seeing someone a couple of days after a booze session and being reminded how F’d up I was when I last saw them. “You were there, of course I remember seeing you! Right after that 5th shot of _________”… Great.

Saturday & Sunday
What a farce of shit! We gathered our small group of visitors (Polish, the Big Woo, and V) at my pad along with Lord von Lord, Tag Berauscht and his frau for some pre-game drinks as usual. I fully expected to have a great afternoon of football. This was supposed to be the great send-off for Fulmer where the fans can show their respect and support for his lengthy, legendary career. Fast forward to the 2nd quarter when we’re trailing by two TDs, Crompton is on the field (fumble!) and I just lost it. The hat goes flying. An F-bomb is dropped. I angrily stormed out of the stadium clutching my broken hat and sulked all the way back home, alone. I knew our season was already farked in a big way but this put me over the edge. We may lose out the rest of the damn season!!

Needless to say we regroup, reload, and re-drink. Macleod’s is the place in the afternoon, then downtown again for the evening. Plus we made a visit to the Sunsphere Skybox for more bourbon, because we really needed it. The night went a little better than Friday, I think.

Sunday I spent most of the day hauling people to the airport. I could’ve made about $100 if I was a licensed taxi driver. We watched the NFL games all afternoon between shuttle trips to TYS. Polish and I ventured back out for some late night health food (wings, onion rings, Reubens, etc) and beer at OCI. The strip was so dead. Why wouldn’t anyone be out on a Sunday night after a homecoming loss to Wyoming? We went to the Roaming Gnome to see if it was any better; it wasn’t. Although one of the customers recognized me from Friday night and just had to say something: “Man, I saw you out Friday, you were so….”

Yes. Yes, I know. Damn

The Bird
So that was the weekend, ho hum. I’m glad to be back in the safety of my work environment where no one can send over a shot of Jagermeister or Goldschlager, or bring the handle of Maker’s Mark to me and force a gulp. Sometimes work is the best thing to happen on a Monday. And for those of you who thought I’d let the Monday Night Football game go unmentioned – fat chance.

The Bird (aka Arizona Cardinals) host the SF 49ers tonight and I’ll be watching on the big screen at my place whilst perched upon my kick-ass couch.

I’ve invited some friends to come over, and since it’s such a huge matchup and compelling storyline in the NFC west division I expect to have about zero people show up (It’s still the Cardinals after all) I'll talk to some of you fools in a little while...

Awful. Ghey.

UT just lost homecoming. This sucks. Thanks Phil and supporters. Thanks a metric fuck ton.

We're going out for shots. Eat shit and die. Or not.

The Great Pumpkin

The folks at Coaches Hot Seat have punkin-head Phil positioned at #2 in their current rankings. I'm shocked he isn't #1 but that honor is held by another SEC coach, Tommy Tuberville of Auburn. The Vols head to South Carolina tomorrow to face Spurrier's 'Cocks. It has been a dicey season for Fulmer and with another loss this weekend I don't see any way he stays to coach another year. Of course we're at the "soft" part of our schedule which means he could run the table to finish 8-4 7-5 and put UT in a bowl game and possibly save his job. The thought of that sends shivers up my spine. Scary!

Friday Predictions

• I will NOT lose my cell phone at Brewers Jam only to have it returned later next week by a Scandinavian exchange student like last year
• The Volunteers will play a tough, close game vs. the hated Georgia Bulldogs and have a chance to win the game in the 4th quarter but will lose on a late redzone turnover
• The "Bird" of AZ will host and defeat the Cowboys this weekend to shock the NFL world and piss off Lord von Lord
• The Bengals will remain winless
• Instead of losing my cell phone at Brewers Jam I will lose my camera, thus preventing me from posting any pictures next week
• I will be hungover at work on Sunday, but at least my boss won't be there to smell me

Rooked!

Why so serious?

Well so far this Autumn has been steaming load of manure. Apart from my awesome rocking birthday, things are going down the rabbit hole in a hurry. Let's review some of the local and indeed, national woes that are getting on my nerves.

First, the Vols are sucking major balls. The completely inept play is a reflection of the coaching staff's baffling stubborness to adapt to the 21st century game. Special teams have been awful(offal) for years. The Vols have given up seven TD's on returns since 2005. Despite reassurance from the staff those problems will be addressed, it never has been. There is no discipline on the field, particularly on offense and the defense is dreadful on third down. Couple these on-field issues with the UTAD's moronic handling of the head coach's contract in Summer and the fan base is in uproar:

Mass hysteria. Cats and dogs living together, as Dr. Venkman has stated.

Also locally, despite oil dropping to a relatively low 90-something a barrel, gas here is as scarce as in Max's post nuclear Australia. Look for bikers, assless chaps, and a dramatic shortage of blowers for muscle cars. This was my morning commute:

Whimsical, no?

Nationally speaking, the body politic reels in the bitter taste of rescues and bailouts of rich assholes and morons that don't understand interest rates and sub-prime lending. Even now, our fearless dolts debate a bill that will give 700 thousand million dollars of our money to these pricks. So, we have economic crises to deal with...plus Ivan and his rusting arsenal rattling his Cossack swords, high energy costs, Lindsay and SamRo, and the always evident threat of alien invasion without the necessary weaponry to repel the ravenous hordes:

Truly these are interesting times, or so the fortune cookie has told me.

Anyhoo, one might ask if there is anything good going on right now. The answer gentle reader is yes. Oktoberfest. Let us all channel the goodwill and drinking karma from Munich...

In short, the authors here believe in one simple and salient truth: When the shit hits the fan, you DRINK YOUR WAY THROUGH IT.

Upon further review

In keeping with Mackey's relevant and timely post about the home opener...I must conclude that he is dead on about the misery that is the 12:30 kickoff. It's a forgone conclusion that the UTAD doesn't care about the common fan...subjecting the home folks to a miserable late summer kickoff with a subpar team and dolt for a coach is to be expected. (side note to Mike Hamilton...maybe we should have played UAB at home before going out west? Keep that in mind next time, you oaf)

Still, having attended more games than most over my 36 years, I have adapted in the past to such an immoderate time. You do get up early and tie on one...and truly, pre-noon drinks are to be relished and enjoyed. Usually Mackey and I are on top of our smartass selves, heckling and cursing every little thing that offends us:

This year's opener felt like a trip to the dentist, sans gas. The lack of energy and indeed...the availability of IPA is a recipe for lethargy and malaise. Instead of hardcore boozing and mockery of UAB fans, homer Vol idiots, and trips to either the Strip or Downtown for post game tomfoolery we watched some other games on the measty television. We hit Nama for some kick ass sushi and modest drinks at Downtown Grill and Brewery. So thanks for the fun and games UTAD...

You put two complete drunken rowdy assholes to sleep.

Before Things Get Too Ugly

The Vols opened their home schedule this past weekend with a lollipop game vs. UAB. The 12:30 kickoff was brutal, forcing me to start drinking at 7:45 a.m. to get my game time buzz. Here are a couple of pics to celebrate the opening home game of the season. There seemed to be a lack of excitement around campus and the not-so-full stadium. I guess losing the season opener to a underdog team (that lost 59-0 this week) will do that to your fan base.

I want to enjoy this minor victory for just a moment, because we now enter the SEC portion of the schedule that brings Florida this weekend and sends us to Auburn and Georgia in the coming month. Fuck. We're facked! But allow me to say Fuck Florida anyway, just on principle.

A tip of the hat to UT concessions who actually put condiments in the wrapper for Smokey dogs! No Gulden's mustard, but it's a start.

And one last shameless plug for the Southern Graces Skybox. We'll see if they have any luck getting people to attend their "tailgate" with the Vols facing an uphill battle this weekend.

NFL in 2 Days!!

Looking ahead to Thursday when we'll have a real season of football to follow. Let's try to forget we're coming off a holiday weekend - a weekend that also featured college football 5 straight days from Thursday to Monday. That's some serious drinking time, but it all amounts to crap when your team lets you down right before you have to return to work the next day. No amount of booze can change a loss to a win, but it can help you forget at least for a while.

Next time I may skip all the fancy snacks and just stick with the booze...