Sign Post and Meter Discuss the Weather

Knoxville, TN

Rain, 36 F

Sign Post: Man it’s cold out today, I wish I had a jacket or something, maybe one of those nice, dressy ones I see all the time. Hell, anything would be better than nothing. What the… “HEY! Hey, you with the hat on your head. Where’d you get that hat?”

Meter: What, this old thing? Pfft, I’ve had this at least 2-3 years.

SP: That’s nice, man. What I wouldn’t do for one of those. I’m cold!

M: Yeah, you really should put something on or you’re going to get sick. They say the flu is really nasty this year.

SP: I don’t know how to get one. Where did you get it? Did you make it yourself?

M: Nah, are you joking? I don’t have hands or fingers. My ex got it for me.

SP: What do you mean, “ex”? You had a girlfriend, how the hell does that work? I mean, you just said that you don’t have any extremities, so how do you date?

M: It was a short term thing that didn’t work out, but man it was great while it lasted. She was an artist and really wasn’t into the whole physical thing, just freaky conversations and lots of photography. Plus I think she was rich too, always putting money in my mouth. Kinky stuff.

SP: That is kinda weird, but I’d do it. I wish somebody would give me money, or anything for that matter. A hat would be nice.

M: But you don’t have a head like I do so there’s nowhere to put it.

SP: Tell me about it. Ever since they removed my sign I don’t even know know why I’m here. What’s the point of being here night and day in the cold without a sign? I’m useless…and freezing!!

M: I’m not sure that you could even wear a coat if you got one. You don’t have shoulders or arms to support it.

SP: Yes I could, I’d look good. I’d be the sexiest damn sign post ever!

M: Yeah, whatever. I’ll wait for that. Hey, here come some people, lock it up and be quite or you’ll give us away! (stands still)

SP: (stands still)

(group of 4 walks by brushing against sign post)

M: That was close. They almost heard us, I thought that girl was going to bust us. She looked back like something happened. Did you see that? Hey...

Royal Droat

It’s been too long since we’ve had a good droat sighting. Warm weather has prevented our lovely ladies from sporting their fashionable fall wardrobes well into November. Thankfully the announcement of the latest royal wedding has stirred up the paparazzi and we have plenty of photos of Prince William’s bride-to-be Kate Middleton. I was naturally drawn to this image of Ms. Middleton in a very smart, white overcoat.

A quick Google search provided a whole slew of photos and I particularly enjoyed the ones of her celebrating her 26th birthday in 2008 with sister Pippa, via the website Just Jared.

Check out the nice plaid droat on little sis, not to mention the nice stems on those girls!! And you know you've got a fashion trend when everybody tries to copy your style. Something tells me that we'll have plenty of royal droats for years to come.

$4 BLT

Mmmm. I had this tasty BLT Saturday morning at the Farmers Market on Market Square. I wasn't planning on having breakfast but when I realized that I was slightly hungover and hungry but not wanting to have a sit-down meal I checked out the sidewalk food vendors. Cruze Farms caught my eye and I decided to grab a biscuit and go, but at the last second I changed my mind to have the BLT and I'm glad that I did. The ciabatta roll was an unexpected surprise and the large rashers of Benton's bacon were superb. Sitting on the curb eating my newly discovered favorite breakfast sandwich made my day, and that's saying something for 10 AM.

Friday Rage

Apologies for the unusual negative vibe here but I have to vent for a moment. Maybe it’s the extra stress of work lately or just a case of manstruation but I’m over the edge with a few things this morning, mostly traffic.

Drivers who stop at green lights. I may have mentioned this one before but it bears repeating. It’s a simple fact of driving you learn from the start: Red means Stop, Green means Go. Not tap your brakes a dozen times as you approach in case the light changes (that’s why we have yellow lights), not ease through at 4 MPH thus backing up a line of cars for no reason, and definitely do NOT fucking stop at the Green light, look both ways multiple times, then make a last second decision like you’re taking a risk into the unknown. Fucking idiots.

Gay St. is not a drop off / waiting area. Cars parking along Gay St. when I first moved to town years ago struck me as a bit peculiar, but I got used to that rather quickly. Now more than ever it seems as though drivers take their sweet-ass time loitering in traffic as spouses, friends, etc. go about their business. I can deal with the quick 5 second jump in/out and moving along, but that’s the least of it. I don’t want to see PDA as you kiss and coo over one another like you won’t see each other for months, this isn’t the airport. Likely you’ll be back at 5 PM picking them up and reliving the whole process again. Going to the KUB express payment box is one thing, but don’t idle in traffic while your passenger picks up their cleaning or opens a checking account at the bank. Move your fucking cars people!

KAT rules downtown street traffic. Just look at those buses next time you’re driving downtown. Count the number of buses then count the riders, you can usually count them on one hand per bus. One weekday afternoon several weeks ago I counted 9 buses on Gay St. from 1st TN Bank to the visitor’s center, many with only 2 – 3 passengers. KAT is a public service that I don’t really have a beef with but I can’t wait for the new transit center to be completed. I don’t know if it will reduce traffic congestion or not but let’s hope so.

Ok. I’ve had my Jameson-laced coffee and biscuit so I’m relaxed now. It’s Friday, the weather is warming up and a fun holiday is just around the corner. I feel better, really, thanks for listening.

Panda FAIL

This place near Callahan/Clinton HWY doesn’t serve beer, wine or booze but they do cook a pretty mean bourbon chicken.

Am I missing something here?

Aftermath

Ladies, It's TIme....

Get out the droats!

Dueling droat!

Spandau Ballet Droat?

Off Topic – Comcast Sucks II

A while ago I expressed my dissatisfaction with Comcast. Late this summer as football season approached I reluctantly signed up for internet and cable TV service. During the three months I’ve been back with them I have had at least three HBO outages (they cut me off), zero correct bills and woeful customer service. I should disclose that internet service has been good, so that’s nice. The worst part though is dealing with inadequate customer service. It isn’t the rep’s fault, the organization keeps a pool of phone jockeys to deal with routine technical and billing issues, then keeps the customer at arm’s length when it comes to more complicated problems. It’s similar to the phone-hell switch board process you go through just trying to reach a live person. Once you get through you have to explain every detail only to be told that a supervisor will have to be advised of the problem and they will work on it. Bullshit. Once I did speak with a supervisor and was promised a follow up call about my issue but I never got the call. The latest billing error doubled my monthly bill and the rep told me there was a note in my record stating that a supervisor had been contacted to authorize the correction but guess what, the supervisor never made the authorization. I have no doubt that I’m on their “black list” of people to fuck with. Die Comcast, just die.

1947-2009

Although I was just a bit young for it, I'm told that this particular poster adorned every teenage boy's room and dorm in America. Iconic.

On the heels of Dom Deluise passing some months ago, I feel compelled to pay respects to another participant in my beloved Cannonball Run hall o' fame. Seeing her on Burt's arm was just as familiar as seeing her with Lee Majors or Ryan O'Neal. This guy...Mr...er...ah...um...Foyt, not so much.

Off Topic: Sandwich Showdown

The good: Five Guys, Emory Road

-Classic American cheeseburger, 2 patties, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, mustard
-Fresh-cut fries, abundant portion

I like their franchise. They have a very basic concept and stick with it, nothing too fancy, just a good burger without the pretense. A little pricey for what you get but I’ve never left feeling like I didn’t get my fill. I wish they would open a location downtown, maybe next to the movie theater where they were going to put the unimpressive Gridiron Burgers.


The bad: Trio, Market Square

-Meatloaf sandwich, pieced together patties, grilled onions and way too much ketchup
-Pasta salad, soggy with flavorless dressing

I’ve had good meals at Trio before but this time they totally missed the mark. It was my fault for trying something different, the special. I didn’t expect the sea of ketchup that overwhelmed the sandwich, and I couldn’t scrape it off because it was absorbed by the bread. Next time I’ll stick with the R.B.C. (roast beef and cheddar) or the Reuben. Their pasta salads are always fantastic so I don’t know what happened this time. I’ll chalk it up to a bad day in the kitchen. At least they serve alcohol if you want it.

Ok, I Get It

There’s a stencilled image plastered all over downtown that rivals the number of Travis Henry's offspring.

Who the hell is this broad?

After seeing this image so damn much I can’t help but notice it constantly. For months now this thing has lurked around the next street corner to the point where I think it’s stalking me. From Market Sq. to the Old City I see it everywhere and I'm more than a little tired of it.

Is it legit graffiti if you use a stencil, and is this a person I'm supposed to know? Doubtful on both, but you can't lock her up in a cage...

...she always escapes:

Trust me, there are plenty more of these images all over downtown. Lucky for you my camera batteries ran out when I was taking these.

RIP Captain Chaos

While more of a bon vivant than strict lush, we here at DK mourn the passing of Dom Deluise...the fat jolly tub of fun that certainly encouraged OUR drinking when he was on-screen. His role of Captain Chaos, his participation in Mel Brooks' movies were all gems.

Speaking for yours truly, it was his pairing with Burt Reynolds that truly inspired a reckless desire to haul drunken ass (it was the 80's when it wasn't gauche) from Connecticut to California and back again in a tricked-out ambulance.

What do you say Captain Chaos? Are you ready to come back from the afterlife to join us?

UPDATE: Priceless. The outtakes from the Needham films encapsulates his genius better than the actual finished film.

Algonquin Round Table Part Deux

Greetings all. Today I embark upon some needed discourse on boozing it up. I have assembled a crack team of both historical and fictitious personalities to offer perspective and opinion about the important drinking and social issues of our age.

Our panelists: Ike Turner, Animal Mother, Mick Mars, and Richard Dawson

LVL: Let's start with you Mr. Turner. What can you offer us from your often tumultous time with Tina Turner?

Ike Turner: I am the greatest lover who ever walked the Earth.

LVL: And what did you drink in those days to ease the anguish of such a relationship?

Ike Turner: Pimp hand, bitch!

LVL: Uhh, certainly Ike. Say...is Rick James available over there on the other side? No?

LVL: Okay then...we now turn to prominent Vietcong dispatcher Animal Mother.

LVL: Welcome.

AM: I'm gonna tear you a new asshole.

LVL: Charming, jarhead savant killer. Say, is that a VC over there?

AM: FUCK!

LVL: Impressive killpower and prejudice, sir. Now, let us introduce a man with no need of introduction Richard Fucking Dawson!

RD: 'allo 'allo! 'ellen 'ave you 'idden my 'atchet?? Cor! Blimey! Straight up from Sussex you lot arrrr! Let's play d' feud!

LVL: Sir, we aren't playing that game, and there are no women here for you to grope, despite your impressive gin/rum/scotch breath...which I might add defies all reason.

RD:ZZZZZZZZ

LVL: Shit. Fuck. Um...now, last panelist...slightly renown but utterly cool guitarist of Motley Crue, Mick Mars.

MM: Ten seconds to love!

LVL: Exciting, Mick. Been a big fan since Live Wire. Let's start with the rumors that Nikki injected all kinds of shit in his veins. Your take?

MM: If I want to do a concert with my ball bag hanging out, I can do it...I'm Mick Mars!!

LVL:Your rebuttal Ike Turner?

Ike Turner: Gots to keep the pimp hand strong.

LVL: What say you Animal Mother?

Animal Mother: If I'm going to get my balls shot off for a word, I want that word to be poontang.

(gestures with M-60, bungalow flies open)

Da Nang Hooker: Hey, you got girrfriend Vietnam? Me so horny. Me ruv you rong time. (conjecture, license)

LVL: Wonderful.

Ike Turner: Pimp hand, bitch!

Off Topic - Comcast Sucks

I could go off about how Comcast has stuck it to me personally over the past 10 years since I've lived in Knoxville. I'm sure most of you have a similar opinion, or at least a story. I'll spare you my whining, bitching and moaning and keep this brief:

Any time there is a significant rain storm passing though town it totally ruins our Comcast connection at work

• Good if you don't want to get any work done
• Bad if you want to fuck around online and ignore work
• Doubly bad if you have work to do in addition to fucking around on the Internet
  

I hate them