UT DRINKING SIMULATOR

There seems to some small debate about the actual difficulty of obtaining and maintaining a proper buzz in rural Utah. I understand Mikey's perspective regarding "the Beehive State Perspective"(if you think about it this should really settle any debate-the state ideal is the workaholic bee. The state highway signs look like beehives.) if his experience is limited to the ski resort areas around Salt Lake and Park City. There are plenty of "private clubs" within sight of the Mormon temple square (my favorite sacreligious nomenclature being The Tavernacle) and I'm sure the Sundance Movie Festival crowd has no trouble finding a bottle or even a pile of blow for Robert Downey Jr. or David Keith. Still, that is like judging all of Louisiana by Bourbon Street(the Steak Pit in particular)-prepare to be disappointed. Therefore I propose the following challenge for the naysayers.

The DRINKING BOULDER SIMULATOR.

Follow the rules listed below for an evening to get a taste (it will be something like Busch light) of what it is like to drink in Boulder, UT these days. No cheating.

1. Choose a day where drinking would improve your experience with life. Sure, today is fine.

2. Go to work and build a barn.

3. As the sun begins to set begin to feel that nagging concern that your commute home will not bring you by the store (yes THE store) before it closes. For your purposes choose a store on your way home but far enough from work to make getting there in time a challenge. You must stick with the chosen store even if it burns down.

4. If you arrive at the store after 5:45 pm, you are SOL. Better luck tomorrow-tonight you are watching British comedies on PBS if you can tweak your rabbit ear antennae.

5. If the store is open, congratulations. To get that authentic Utah drinking flava, buy a case of Coors Light and go home.

6. Once home you must stay there. The only winter season restaurant in Boulder serves no alcohol and undercooks their fries. So it's house arrest for the purposes of this exercise.

7. Take a can of Coors light and cut it 50/50 with club soda. You don't have club soda? Too bad. The store would be closed now and they don't sell it anyway. Cut it with tap water.

8. Drink up. Yes, that is what our beer (I mean their beer) tastes like.

9. Repeat. Repeat repeating.

10. How you doin'?

11. Still sober, huh?

12. Well, stay at it . You will begin to notice a bloated feeling. Normally by the time you get that full you are well on you way to another memorable adventure with high proof IPA and somewhat oblivious to the bowling ball in your gut.

13. Drink faster maybe. Try a funnel or the venerable shotgun.

14. You now have no buzz, a garbage can full of aluminum cans (there's no recycling allowed in the Utah simulator either), a bladder that screams for mercy, oh yeah, and NO BUZZ.

15. The good news- Utah beer is hangover prohibitive so you can be up early and back to work on that barn.

I look forward to hearing how your experience with this challenge goes.

Coming Soon:

ODIN THE ALLFATHER'S VIKING ERA NORSE DRINKING SIMULATOR

Beehive State Perspective

Sometimes we forget just how lucky we are in Knoxville, or the entire state of Tennessee for that matter. Sure, our football team just ripped our hearts out this season, but mercifully we have moved on with a new coach and have a brighter outlook for next year. I look forward to many years of Layla Kiffin eye candy as I watch the Vols and drink my whiskey and beer. But we have so much more to enjoy: beautiful scenery, beautiful women, comfortable climate, our own state whiskey (TJD), no state income tax, and 5.0 beer to name just a few. That last one is something that most of us take for granted. Recently I was reminded of the audacious souls who survive on lesser beers in other states that do not allow as much alcohol. Tennessee has some weird liquor laws, but at least we can get our hands around some decent beer when it comes down to it.

Our good friend, and former Knoxvillian, Frank has transplanted himself in the beehive state for the past several years. As many of our friends and UT alumni have moved out of state we attempt to stay somewhat connected, and some have even found their way to our little blog seeking a taste of Knoxville. Frank sent me an email about a week or two ago lamenting the woeful Vols and 3.2 beer in Utah. My liver weeps for all those who must endure weak beer and lack of proper drinking whiskey (aka party liquor). I've reposted his message below as a reminder to us all: it's hard to get drunk on 3.2. So true that there's even a song about it, check the YouTube link.

As I read the tales of debauchery from my longtime home in Knoxville, I don't know whether to be envious or grateful. In most years it would not be as difficult to lament being stuck here in a southern Utah town with a population of about 200, no work, Vermont-like temperatures(OK-not that bad), and 0(zero) bars per capita. However, Coaches Fulmer and Whittingham have complicated the situation. While I have to drive 60 miles round trip to the closest "liquor store", a closet in the corner of an outdoor retailer, pizza joint, and fishing guide operation that is open from noon to 7pm five days a week, I have found solace in one way that I might also offer as an option to my friends on the liver transplant wait list in Knoxville-support the Utes.

I know-the Mountain West is not a real conference. Hence Utah's inability to secure a Rose Bowl appearance despite an undefeated conference title-winning season(the second such in five years). But this actually provides a good short term opportunity for disenchanted Vol fans. Rather than have to debate the age-old question of whether it is better to root for or against conference rivals in bowl games, buy a red sweatshirt. Watch the SEC championship game with the same anticipation as your boys in Salt Lake City-"give us Bama or the Gators, in New Orleans or Tempe, just get us out of Utah/Knoxville." Enjoy having and defeating a truly nauseating, elitist rival like BYU (Jim McMahon not withstanding)-think Vanderbilt but more Vanderbilty. Then, when UT (that's kinda confusing huh? UT/UT Tennessee/Utah get it? here I meant the Vols) returns to prominence once again and Johnny Majors Ave is once again filled with revelry, any Utah connection is easily denied due to a relative lack of national media coverage and who will remember anyway?

Of course, it could be my unfortunate situation that has led me to such desperation. I may be thinking too clearly. Too much blood in my alcohol system and all that. After all, "it's hard to get drunk on 3.2."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S44uM9zodIQ

Go Utes,
Frank McWoo

The grass is always bluer
On the other side of the fence
And you know love is always sweeter
When she gives you a second chance
We came in through Nevada
Mr. Two Peak got us here
And now we'd like to have a taste
Of good Rocky Mountain beer

(chorus:)
I remember the sound of her sweet southern voice
As I jumped out the window and was gone
I remember the cool Colorado night
But there was something I forgot
In these big Rocky Mountains where there's so much to do
It's hard to get drunk on 3.2
If it's CU Boulder or BYU
It's hard to get drunk on 3.2

Some folks they joined the Peace Corps
Some work to ban landmines
Other folks help the world one bar at a time
My head is sober, my stomach's full
To better serve the Lord
I'll never be untrue when I'm drinking 3.2
Thanks to that state liquor board

(chorus)

If it's CU Boulder or BYU
It's hard to get drunk on 3.2
It's hard to get drunk on 3.2
It's expensive to get drunk on 3.2