Algonquin Round Table Mk IV

Ladies and gentlemen, once again yours truly will make another abortive attempt to host a panel discussion on functional drinking from noted boozing icons. In the past, we have not been as successful as we would like...unsurprising in the conventional sense because most of the panelists are indeed, raging and complete drunks. So...lets all just take a big bite of this latest shit sandwich and be thankful there's a lot of bread. Today's guests include:

First, I give you a repeat DK guest: Little Enos Burdette.Lord Von Lord: Afternoon Mr. Burdette. Nice western-style leisure suit.

Little Enos Burdette: It matches my daddy's, dummy.

LVL: Indeed it does. Not sure though that's a positive point. Next, I would like to introduce Rick Gassko, school bus driver/pit boss and social climber.

LVL: Thanks for taking the time out of your bachelor party Rick. Say, are those crossbow bolts?

Rick Gassko: Well I wasn't sure about the first one, but the second time I was convinced. I expected a party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze, but I draw the line at crossbows.

LVL: At least it ran the pimp off. Next up, we have interstellar scourge and warlord of Mongo: Ming the Merciless.

::PALACE GATE FLIES OPEN::

Ming the Merciless: Greetings pitiful Earth fool. I'll be with you just as soon as I have dispatched this noxious washed-up Jets quarterback.

LVL: That doesn't look like Testeverde, or even that douche Favre. Wait...this is from the movie, right?

MTM: Silence mortal. Swordfighting is thirsty work.

LVL: Shit, who let this asshole in? (checks notes, blames Mackey) Well, finally we introduce the drunken billionaire and armaments genius Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man. Welcome Tony:

LVL: Wait, you're not Iron Man per se!

War Machine: Yeah, no shit. Tony couldn't make it today. Taking part in a hardly known blog authored by idiots was down on his list. You know, what with designing planet-smashing kinetic weapons in his private jet and so forth. Never fear, I have all the answers you need right here in this minigun.

LVL: Fuck. Well lets begin with you Mr. Burdette.

LEB: Fine, fire away dummy.

LVL: Describe the hardship of living on the wrong side of the Mississippi during the heyday of bootlegging. Just how difficult was it to smuggle Coors?


LEB: First you have to hire some prima donna assholes to haul it. I mean, look at this truck...a man who would paint his trailer like that would wear feathers to a preacher's funeral.

LVL: But, he got it there in time didn't he?

LEB: Snowman could have made better time if that sumbitch Bandit wasn't playing grabass with every relentless county sheriff out there.

LVL: Touche. Next, Rick. Your bachelor party in NYC was the stuff of legend. Rumor has it that you and your degenerates had a band, profligate drug supplies, and ample hookers and porn.

RG and degenerates: Now wait, that last statement was only partially true. We all know that vino is keeno, but did you actually see the porn in question? Usually I don't like my filth that clean.

LVL: What about the donkey show?


RG and degenerates: You mean the arts? How can this be offensive to anyone...even if they are painfully sober? Just call it the benefit of living prior to PETA and the ASPCA. Besides, the donkey had a real good time.

LVL: Didn't the donkey(which is phallic by the way) expire at your bachelor party? In a hotel suite at that?

RG and degenerates: The real crime was that the mule didn't get laid before it bought the farm. Get it? Farm?

LVL: Yes, I get it. Although in today's age, a dead donkey is even in a worse predicament. In case you haven't heard, necro-bestiality is the rage these days ( http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/04/nasty-fetish-champion-just-say-heck-no-to-necro.html )

RG and degenerates: Oh, we have got to party with them. Everyone in the bus fellas, we're crossing state lines!

LVL: Let the record reflect that I had nothing to do with that. Now, if we could...

MTM: Enough, you pitiful fool. Your screeching is offensive to my hangover.

LVL: Yeah, about that your excellency...I couldn't help but notice you are portrayed as drinking often.

and this...

LVL: How do you reconcile functional boozing with ruling a multi-planetary empire?

MTM: I have an impressive HR and legal department. You think I'm evil? I've not got shit on those cocksuckers. Besides, have you seen Mongo fashions? Not even those hags on Sex in the City would wear this mess. Of course I'm plowed all the time. Running this place sober is out of the question.

LVL: Well functional drinking is the theme here, Mr. Burdette, you have something to add?

LEB: Just that I like the cut of his jib. Do they make those outfits in 12-dwarf?

LVL: Dreadful. Positively dreadful. Do you have anything to add regarding Mr. Stark's whereabouts, War Machine?

WM: Simulations conclude that he is most likely either having: A deeply personal introspection like so-LVL: Hmmm...that doesn't sound very functional, in fact it's a bit well...morose and self-loathing.

WM: Have you ever tried to clean puke out of these armored suits?


LVL: Hmmm, is that some sort of seasonal green armor War Machine, for St. Patrick's day and all?

WM: Oh it's green alright...but it's not festive, I can tell you that. You have to spray that shit out of there with a fucking hose. Try doing that while supersonic at 30k feet.

LVL: I'll pass thanks. So basically, what each of you is telling me is that your success is completely independent of your profound boozing and not because of it?

RG and degenerates: Yep. I could of had the girl or the car.

LEB: Right.

MTM: Precisely.

WM: Tony built a suit of armor that can take out a main battle tank...you don't do that kind of thing if you can't handle your gin.

LVL: Well, this really didn't solve anything. Little Enos, can you spare a case of Coors?

LEB: I'd like to kick your ass, just once.