UT DRINKING SIMULATOR

There seems to some small debate about the actual difficulty of obtaining and maintaining a proper buzz in rural Utah. I understand Mikey's perspective regarding "the Beehive State Perspective"(if you think about it this should really settle any debate-the state ideal is the workaholic bee. The state highway signs look like beehives.) if his experience is limited to the ski resort areas around Salt Lake and Park City. There are plenty of "private clubs" within sight of the Mormon temple square (my favorite sacreligious nomenclature being The Tavernacle) and I'm sure the Sundance Movie Festival crowd has no trouble finding a bottle or even a pile of blow for Robert Downey Jr. or David Keith. Still, that is like judging all of Louisiana by Bourbon Street(the Steak Pit in particular)-prepare to be disappointed. Therefore I propose the following challenge for the naysayers.

The DRINKING BOULDER SIMULATOR.

Follow the rules listed below for an evening to get a taste (it will be something like Busch light) of what it is like to drink in Boulder, UT these days. No cheating.

1. Choose a day where drinking would improve your experience with life. Sure, today is fine.

2. Go to work and build a barn.

3. As the sun begins to set begin to feel that nagging concern that your commute home will not bring you by the store (yes THE store) before it closes. For your purposes choose a store on your way home but far enough from work to make getting there in time a challenge. You must stick with the chosen store even if it burns down.

4. If you arrive at the store after 5:45 pm, you are SOL. Better luck tomorrow-tonight you are watching British comedies on PBS if you can tweak your rabbit ear antennae.

5. If the store is open, congratulations. To get that authentic Utah drinking flava, buy a case of Coors Light and go home.

6. Once home you must stay there. The only winter season restaurant in Boulder serves no alcohol and undercooks their fries. So it's house arrest for the purposes of this exercise.

7. Take a can of Coors light and cut it 50/50 with club soda. You don't have club soda? Too bad. The store would be closed now and they don't sell it anyway. Cut it with tap water.

8. Drink up. Yes, that is what our beer (I mean their beer) tastes like.

9. Repeat. Repeat repeating.

10. How you doin'?

11. Still sober, huh?

12. Well, stay at it . You will begin to notice a bloated feeling. Normally by the time you get that full you are well on you way to another memorable adventure with high proof IPA and somewhat oblivious to the bowling ball in your gut.

13. Drink faster maybe. Try a funnel or the venerable shotgun.

14. You now have no buzz, a garbage can full of aluminum cans (there's no recycling allowed in the Utah simulator either), a bladder that screams for mercy, oh yeah, and NO BUZZ.

15. The good news- Utah beer is hangover prohibitive so you can be up early and back to work on that barn.

I look forward to hearing how your experience with this challenge goes.

Coming Soon:

ODIN THE ALLFATHER'S VIKING ERA NORSE DRINKING SIMULATOR