Some things that suck

Damn you Knoxville. Splash pads and fountains may play well with the average dolt of a citizen that blindly looks at parks and greenways on face value as signs of culture. Meanwhile, those of us with a basic understanding of filth and disease shake our heads in disgust. Since this sign was clearly a post-poop afterthought, no one in a position of authority dared think that degenerate parents would allow their Hellish drop to prance about non-treated water in diapers. Just fucking awful.



Damn you Fulmer. A common refrain these days in Big Orange Country, made all the more relevant given the lackluster victory over a lackluster opponent. The collapse of the college football season means ill tempers and a social epidemic of drinking away one's sorrows. Though we here believe in 'drinking our way through it' as described last week, it would be pleasant to have a reason to celebrate. Instead, the evenings following a UT game are not the festive events like they were during my college days. Saturday night was like a leper colony sans the hope.



Damn you wine hangover. Look, since the dawn of civilization and grape-stomping, people have grappled with the dehydrated headaches of drinking too much vino. Following last week's WOTW festival on the river, my head was pounding like a full-on artillery barrage. I've been to three of these things and nothing goes totally right for me. As an event, it's a great deal of fun. A varied selection of wine and food from local and regional vendors, plus its for charity so you can fool yourself that you are part of something better than swilling wine on Friday(which you would be doing anyway, drunkie).



Damn you Cleveland Browns fans.

Mother of God, look at this asshole. While I endorse pelting non-performers with rotten vegetables and C-cell batteries(similar damage to D batteries, but lighter) I cannot help wanting to become the biggest shill and program homer when faced with the likes of this 'fan'

Damn you local schmucks. While walking through the World's Fair Park Saturday I once again lamented the lack of a rocking bar in the former L&N. When I was a boy, it was the first place I really can remember people getting plastered. I wanted to be one of those patrons and eagerly looked forward to drinking there on my eighteenth birthday. Two things prevented me from doing so: The utterly capricious decision to bump the drinking age to twenty-one, and the asshole jerks that seem to have their fingers in everything. Sure, nothing escaped the financial turmoil after 82 down there, but gradually business and life has returned to the Park, be it in the Sunsphere or Convention Center. The meddling historic assholes and nebulous power players in this town can't agree on what to do with the place. It's a shame. Sitting on that enclosed patio looking over the Park would be a capital locale for casual boozing.

Come down to the Brewer's Jam this weekend and see if you agree about the L&N. Failing that, you can at least get some sweet beer action. That, at least, will not suck.

Ok let’s knock out a couple more breweries at the Brewers Jam. I’ll go with three this time. One's going to be easy.
First:
Atlantic Brewing Co. Overall a horrible blueprint for a brewery. Pathetic website; it’s devoted more to the distributor than the brewery or the beer. The beers they will most likely bring will be their Blueberry Ale and Island Ginger. Yes, that’s a wheat ale with ginger. If you like fruit in your alcohol go drink Mackey’s ‘shine. Oh... the Coal Porter is good.
Second:
WTF? Yes, I am all for fermenting anything. But this is a day of BEER.
Third:
Now this is a nice little brewery; good story, cool place, and decent beers. It’s a good addition to what has become a passable brewery tour in Nashville. They make an interesting dark, Mexican style beer called Dos Perros. It’s not bad and you don’t see many American breweries making Mexican style beers. The problem with that is I can buy an actual Mexican beer for cheaper (a good Mexican beer…not Corona). The other beers are drinkable so put it on you list but don’t wait in line for it.

Pick Your Poison

One of the benefits (risks) of being a fervent drunkard is that people rightfully assume you will drink anything. Case in point: today I was brought 2 quarts of moonshine purely out of the blue. I wasn't expecting them. I've never even touched on the subject with my acquaintance. Nevertheless I have 2 jars o 'shine - one is strawberry flavored, the other one is peach. The catch is that I can only keep one with the other going to a mutual friend. So I have dibs, but which one should I pick?

This is a real dilemma since I actually don't care for moonshine that much but am forced to make a choice. For those of you who have never tasted this party liquor (where have you been - this is East TN!) it almost always has a overwhelming odor and taste of paint thinner.

In this case, either strawberry jolly rancher paint thinner or peach jolly rancher paint thinner. There isn't a wrong choice because either one will F you the F up. I think I'll make my decision based on which one I think will be more fun to torture my drinking buddies with, 'cause there ain't no way I'm drinking this shit alone. Yeah, yeah. Careful if you are coming my way this weekend or to Tag's party on Sunday 'cause I've got a little sump'n for ya!

Rooked!

Why so serious?

Well so far this Autumn has been steaming load of manure. Apart from my awesome rocking birthday, things are going down the rabbit hole in a hurry. Let's review some of the local and indeed, national woes that are getting on my nerves.

First, the Vols are sucking major balls. The completely inept play is a reflection of the coaching staff's baffling stubborness to adapt to the 21st century game. Special teams have been awful(offal) for years. The Vols have given up seven TD's on returns since 2005. Despite reassurance from the staff those problems will be addressed, it never has been. There is no discipline on the field, particularly on offense and the defense is dreadful on third down. Couple these on-field issues with the UTAD's moronic handling of the head coach's contract in Summer and the fan base is in uproar:

Mass hysteria. Cats and dogs living together, as Dr. Venkman has stated.

Also locally, despite oil dropping to a relatively low 90-something a barrel, gas here is as scarce as in Max's post nuclear Australia. Look for bikers, assless chaps, and a dramatic shortage of blowers for muscle cars. This was my morning commute:

Whimsical, no?

Nationally speaking, the body politic reels in the bitter taste of rescues and bailouts of rich assholes and morons that don't understand interest rates and sub-prime lending. Even now, our fearless dolts debate a bill that will give 700 thousand million dollars of our money to these pricks. So, we have economic crises to deal with...plus Ivan and his rusting arsenal rattling his Cossack swords, high energy costs, Lindsay and SamRo, and the always evident threat of alien invasion without the necessary weaponry to repel the ravenous hordes:

Truly these are interesting times, or so the fortune cookie has told me.

Anyhoo, one might ask if there is anything good going on right now. The answer gentle reader is yes. Oktoberfest. Let us all channel the goodwill and drinking karma from Munich...

In short, the authors here believe in one simple and salient truth: When the shit hits the fan, you DRINK YOUR WAY THROUGH IT.

Just a Quick Note....

...to say how much I love free booze! We all know how much we love the booze, but the sweet, sweet taste of gratis booze is so much better - especially in times of financial woe! Sure the economy is in the tank, but as long as hooch is around there is reason to keep on truckin. I've been working out of the office the past few days and luckily entertaining some clients from out of town. And the easiest way to entertain folks you don't know is to get 'em liquored up. And of course that works for people you know too, but usually you have to pay for those situations.

I've been fortunate to have some drinks on the company dollar, not to mention some fine meals to boot. Oh you don't say! You want me to mention them? Surely you wouldn't care to know about the FREE fillet and crab-stuffed shrimp dinner with whisky, wine, vodka and beer the other night. Or a fine game hen dinner with pre-dinner brewery beer, more wine, vodka and such. No, no. Never mind. Forget I brought it up. I'll just (gulps beer) be heading back to our HQ and send these guests on their way.

Alcohol Awareness

One of my favorite things about autumn in East Tennessee is that it seems to provide ample opportunities for drinking. Not that we don't drink a shitload of alcohol during the rest of the year, but in the fall, we seem to do it in groups a lot.

In fact, there are so many opportunities for Organized Boozing during the month of October, that I am hereby declaring it Knoxville Alcohol Awareness Month. Because, as I think everyone here would agree, it is important that we all be aware of the alcohol we are imbibing, or, at least, aware that we are imbibing alcohol. Whatever.

The following is a list of some of the alcohol-related events that I've heard about (and may or may not actually attend...depending on how drunk I've gotten beforehand); please feel free to add to the list by leaving a comment, if you know of something I've left out.

Friday, October 3rd: Wine on the Water.
For all of you winos out there, this is Knoxville's premier wine tasting event. Bonus: It's for charity. And who doesn't like to drink for charity.

Saturday, October 4th: Tennessee vs. Northern Illinois.
Is anyone actually going to the stadium for this game? No? Good, we can all meet at a bar and get drunk, as we watch the Vols attempt to actually win one.

Friday, October 10th: Cocktails in the Attic.
Hmmm...cocktails and an auction. Is this a bad idea? Better go and find out. Also, I love the L&N Station. It's such a neat and, in my opinion, underutilized building.

Saturday, October 11th: Brewers' Jam.
I don't need to say a lot about this event, as my colleague Tag Berauscht is doing a fucking miniseries on it. (Kidding, Tag! I'm loving your work so far.) I went to the BJ (hehe) last year and had a blast, so this year I'm just praying that we have good weather again. Because, World's Fair Park can be a bit of a mudpit when it rains.

Saturday, October 18th: Tennessee vs. Mississippi State.
At this point, the Vols are expected to have a 2-4 record. If that ain't an excuse to get together and drink (and boycott Fat Phil), then I don't know what is.

Sunday, October 19th: Hops and Hope 5K.
Let me get this straight: You run in a 5K, and at the end of it, you get to drink beer? Oh, I am so there. Unless, of course, I'm too hung over from the night before. It's a tough call.

Saturday, October 25th: Tennessee vs. Alabama.
One word: Belligerent.

Friday, October 31st: Halloween.
Okay, so I haven't actually listed a specific event here, but I'm sure there will be plenty to choose from. And, with Halloween finally on a decent day this year (the past three years, it was on Mon., Tues., and Wed., dammit), I might actually dress up. This will definitely be a fine night to cap off what looks to be an excellent month of drinking in Knoxville.

And with that...let the Organized Boozing begin!

More Brew Preview

OK sorry I missed yesterday, but it wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last, after all we are drunks. Anywise here is more brewery previews for this years Knoxville Brewers Jam.

This is a must hit for me. I couldn’t wait to do this preview first; because it is not one everybody around here knows about, and not one the local distributors has been cramming down our throats for years. I wish this was more available around here, but we usually have to travel to get it. Second; God Damn It’s Good. This is an older micro brewery, as far as the micro brewery trend in this country goes. It was started in 1988 as just a brewpub in Fort Bragg, CA. One reason you may not have heard of it much. I could go on about their awards and crap, but the key word there is crap, awards mean nothing if it doesn’t taste good, and this shit does. I have been raving about Their Old Rasputin Imperial Stout for years. It may not be at the KBJ, because 9% imperial stouts don’t always go with these types of events, but this is one beer that should have Imperial in its name, and after tasting their other selections you’ll go searching for Old Rasputin. Two beers that will probably be there and are a must try are their Red Seal Ale, a copper-red colored pale ale, and their Scrimshaw Pilsner. Try them and anything else they bring. You may find me in their line most of the day.
Next:
This had to be done, because of their new flood of our market. Fat Tire is coming Fat Tire is coming! Is all I heard for weeks, I swear somebody even ran down the middle of Gay St. proclaiming this. I have other problems with this beer that I won’t bother you with, but the one big one is this isn’t that good of a beer, and no way near the best they produce. The problem is this was one of their first beers, and one they have created quite a marketing brand for, so it’s ok if you’ve been sucked in; it’s not your fault. At least you have been introduced to a good brewery, just not their best stuff. It’s like Ford having a Cobra in the show room but only letting you buy the Escape. Go try their Tripple, or their Blue Paddle Pilsner, even the 1554 or the Abbey is good. Just stop coming to me like the Fat Tire changed your life and other beers will never do.