What is old is new again

Ah, drinking games. The necessary caveat that allows timid drinkers young and old to somehow fool themselves into thinking that boozing requires some social secondary skill. Now, I've played nearly every drinking game in known space: Pyramids, Asshole, Up-the-River, Beer Pong, Beirut, Flip Cup, and the highly bizarre Egyptian Ratscrew. To be certain I have overlooked a few, but I'm not here to get into a pissing match with all seven or eight of you about competitive drinking.

Actually I am here to focus on an old favorite, Three-Man...made hip and relevant by our own 21st century bastardization--Consume & Forfeit. Most of the readers and authors have played this game together at one point. I like dice based drinking games due to portability and the utter lack of coordination when hammered that guarantees an atmosphere not unlike the stock market trading floor.

The banal Beerfest movie demonstrated and encouraged that even the thirty-something married lameass can mix it up with the Hebrew scientist, male prostitute, and sick fuck that views ham as a romantic date as well as foodstuff. We don't engage in drinking games everyday...no, rather we lay in the motherfucking weeds ready to strike when stepped on. (as the pussies before the Florida game will attest)

Anyhoo...here is our variation of Three-Man.

You will need a shitty table, with some inner square that serves as the playing surface. The shitty table provision is key, as it needs to be unbalanced and poorly made. The players should roll the dice to determine the poor dolt who begins the game as the namesake. The first player to roll a 2 and 1 fills this ignoble slot. If you need to speed things up, just allow the lowest roll to qualify. I've listed the potential outcomes below:

Any roll resulting in a 2 and 1 henceforth designates a new Three-Man. Probability dictates that 3's will show up most of the time...hammering the poor fool constantly.

A roll of 7=person to the left drinks

A roll of 11=person to right drinks

A roll of 10=everyone drinks

A roll resulting in doubles(snake-eyes, boxcars etc) allows the player to designate one person to drink the indicated sum, or split the individual die to two other players. It is discretionary to inflict the entire number of drinks or allow the other players a chance to roll the die to determine how much they consume. Be warned though, if the resulting penalty roll gets doubles then the original player has to drink the backlash.

Between hitting 3s and the other criteria above, typically someone will drink. After five successful rolls we usually make a rule and pass the turn. The rules are the common ones: no cursing, no first names, no pointing, some ridiculous screed to say before drinking and so forth. Be creative. Implement treaties and embargoes not unlike NATO.

If a player rolls anything not resulting in consumption, then the player can 'chance it' by rolling again...but if that second attempt is unsuccessful then the crowd will berate you as you drink and forfeit the turn.

As the game progresses, the rolls will inevitably get sloppy and result in the dice falling off the playing surface or table entirely. Filthy epithets and oaths usually follow...and again the player must consume and forfeit the turn.

This game gets ugly real fast...confusion will reign with too many rules, alliances will be made and broken, friendships will end...that sort of thing. Eventually the game will need a reset. Feel free to assign some activity to the non-drinking rolls, for example our group will quiz each other on a 9...always something esoteric that results in bad blood and soiled garments.

One thing is certain, if the game lasts more than thirty minutes each and every player will be blasted out of their mind. People will puke. Time will be lost. Lightweights will pass out only to be written on with a Sharpie.

Come to think of it, this game is horrible. Don't play it.