Holiday Party Season

The holiday season is upon us and with it comes a variety of parties: office/work, neighbors/friends, and naturally, family gatherings. These parties can be lame or hall of fame. Below I’ve outlined a few party scenarios and some observations that you may relate to. Let’s take a look…

Office/Work

Dull Gatherings at the Workplace – During these hard economic times I assume there will be a lot of cutting back by companies looking to save money. No better way than to stick it to your employees and scale down the party budget. If they do something like order a cake and bring it in during lunch, I’d hardly call it a party. Best to eat your slice, go back to work and punch out at the usual time and get the fuck out of there like nothing happened. Now, if it’s after work things can get tricky. Do you have to go, and will it be noticed if you do not attend? Will beer be provided? Play it safe and plan to attend – with your flask. A dry party can seem fun when you’re the only person holding the sauce. Share some with a fellow co-worker and it forms a bond like you’re breaking out of jail together or you threw him a life jacket from a sinking ship. Don’t overdo it though. We've all seen the picture of the girl passed out, naked on the picnic table at the office party. Have your nips and leave before things get boring. Excuse me, more boring.

Lunch or Dinner at a Restaurant – Another standby, this one can be fun as long as the company is picking up the tab. If you get together as a group and have to pay for your own meal I suggest finding a new job. Typically most companies are generous enough to pay for a group meal, perhaps even a drink or two and dessert if they’re going through the trouble of hosting the party. Some drawbacks may be the lack of prompt service for large groups, limited or no alcohol around the boss, and forced conversations with co-workers you don’t give a damn about. Upsides may include ordering expensive menu items you normally couldn’t afford, or possibly having some fun with these people outside of work. Anything is possible. Be wise and bring the flask just in case. You can fake an illness and leave abruptly if things get too bad.

Beware the gift swap! These are usually a waste of money because we (wisely) limit the dollar amount to around $10 or so as not to break everyone’s holiday shopping budget. Then you get a shitty gift from the Dollar Store that not even your grandmother would use and it goes straight in the trash when you get home. It doesn’t have to be that way, that is, if you let alcohol do the talking. Pints and half pints of booze fit this price range perfectly. 6-packs of good beer, small flasks, a liter growler from the local brewery, a mixed bag of airplane minis, and wine are all excellent choices. *Bonus: $10 gag gift – pint of Rock and Rye.

Gala Events - Yes, apparently the rich folk gather at the country club, a hotel, or some kind of resort and treat themselves to lavish dinners with fine wines and champagne. I only know of these because I worked many of them during my catering and bar tending days during and after college. If you find yourself at such a party I recommend that you live it up. Gorge yourself on fancy hors d’oeuvres, order expensive brandy, call the servers “boy” and request explicit sexual favors from the staff, preferably the owner. They’ll go along with anything as long as the bill is paid. And guess what, you’re not paying a dime! (BTW, karma is a bitch)

Neighbors/Friends

Neighborhood Party – Never been to one, so I have no idea what to tell you. I’m thinking something from the ‘70’s: fondue and cocktails for the adults, lemonade and cookies for the kids. Wives swapping recipes, husbands talking business, etc. Eggnog is served at this party – whether you want it or not. This is a great time of year to catch up on gossip, further ongoing rumors, and create envy discussing your holiday bonus or even the decorations in the yard. But what the hell do I know? Spike the punch.

Your Friend’s Party – Now we’re talking! The best parties by far are the ones where you know the host and exactly what you can get away with. Plus you know almost everyone else there too. These are your friends, so they won’t mind if you start ahead of time and do some front loading from home. You want to be in extra-good spirits when you show up! Beer, wine, bourbon – go for the hat trick! Put on your crazy reindeer sweater. You’ll want to call a taxi because you know how you always get at these things. Show up roaring Cheech & Chong’s Christmas favorite, “Santa Claus and His Old Lady”. That’ll let everybody know you’re feeling tight. Give your host(s) the bottle of Kentucky Gentleman you brought and make yourself at home – at their bar, Crown Royal time!!

Family Gatherings

Day Visit – Consider yourself lucky. You can do this visit standing on your head, but more likely you’ll be sitting on your ass all day, stuffed full of holiday dinner and sweets. If your family is half way decent there will be a couple of beers or some bourbon at some point during the visit. Even if there isn’t any booze you probably can maintain your composure until you get back home and relax with a drink in your hand. You made it! Have at least 6 cocktails before you pass out in the easy chair in front of the TV.

Multi Day – These are the worst visits. Visiting for longer than 1 day usually involves travel. You MUST pack extra booze for this trip. Bring liquor and plenty of it. Whenever your plane touches down or the car is parked in the driveway you’ll need a strong belt, straight from the bottle if necessary. Hunker down for 2.5 days of irritating kids, odd uncles, weird aunts, and other whack jobs that make up your family. Don’t forget the in-laws – yeah, those fuckups. Use every opportunity you can to take a nip. Here are some examples: arrive, nip; unload luggage, nip; settle into room, nip; bedtime, nip; wake up, nip; have breakfast, nip; help your dad get the fryer out of the garage, nip; play with the nieces & nephews, nip; run to the store (oldest nephew drives), nip; call your bookie, nip; kickoff, nip, halftime, nip; you lost your wager, glug; after dinner, nip; and so on. After so many nips you may develop some side effects:


All this sneaking booze business may be null and void if you belong to a “half decent” family that doesn’t frown upon drinking. I do not belong to such a family, therefore I have to sneak around like a teenager lest I upset my dear mother and father. What I want to know is WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY PARENTS!? They used to booze it up all the time when I was growing up. I learned from them! I aspired to be like them! And how do they pay me back – by quitting! Much worse, they preach against it all the time. Many phone conversations have ended with my mother saying “now don’t you be out drinking that beer”. It’s like beer has been on the evening news reported as a mass murderer or some deadly virus. I can’t wait until their next visit when they see that I’ve got a meast-like kegerator sitting in my kitchen right next to the sink. My mother may faint. And they wonder why I don’t visit home more often.

So there you have it. Several holiday situations and how to drink your way through them. Make sure to always keep your emergency flask filled and ready to go at a moment’s notice, and follow the ABC method of boozing: Always Be Carrying.