Cling to your pathetic fable of "Red" marketing

I'm not talking about Ivan here, although the upcoming stupidity seems right out of the dipshit commie playbook. Little Red Book indeed, Chairman Mao. This farce of shit is so puzzling, that I'm going to forgo my usual method of distracting you with pictures/shiny objects for a straight-up bitch session.

Jim Fucking Beam. Once I venerated you as have many college students. You were my constant companion in Neyland Stadium and a cheap gift for friends at Christmas time, and that frothy mess on a mixture of Beam and Coke was a panacea for young and inexperienced taste buds. Even if you are pissed off because my palate has evolved to better whisky that's no reason to vex mankind with your latest abortion: Red Stag.

Oh where to begin. The marketing campaign on the website screams hipster assholes with no taste dancing and frolicking about...oh, but they are hipster assholes that like to be outdoors in the snow and they listen to Kid Rock. How very edgy? How very damn trite if you ask me. Every booze cliche in existance is peddled over there. Winter landscape? Check. People who look cool, but are paid models? Check. Washed-up smelly pitchman? Fucking check, in the aforementioned Rock. Who from the early 2000's culture can we recycle next? Please, please say Limp Bizkit so someone can stake this poorly concieved vampire booze to eternal death. Meh.

Beam tells us that this vile drink is four year old JB(four whole years you say?) that has been 'reimagined' with a black cherry finish. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, that sounds terrible. The last thing I think of when I crack open my Makers or Knob Creek is wondering how it would taste with some Cherry Coke. Get the fuck out of here.

Yes, I know it's not in our creed here at DK to shit on something without trying it. Then again, I don't need to drink turpentine to know it's going to suck.

Finally, does anyone remember (circa 93 or 94) the dreadful beers named Red Wolf and Red Dog? Yeah, that's what I thought. Make room on the shelf for another ill-conceived product with a shitty name, because it's only a matter of time.