Random Manure

Sometimes I fret that people aren't drinking enough. Living here in this fortress of drinking while being surrounded by the so-called Bible Belt tends to cause paranoid delusions. Trust me, Mordor ain't got shit on some of the baleful glances I get from the teetotalers(especially when their hellish drop is closeby) when I am about town.

A little perspective is needed...because after a cursory and very, very sloppy internet search my faith is restored by the images and other content that screams "THE WORLD POSTS WHILE DRUNK." As you all know, we here at DK make a point to always post whilst sober.

Dear God, I think I am a latter day Mr. Hand.

Look, we all know that drunken text messaging...ill-advised boozy emails, photoshops etc are a fact of life. Consider the insanity of the de-motivational posters that have been co-opted to nefarious ends.

Truly, flying sharks would be bad for our species. Perhaps we can counter them with:

The research that leads to the hovertank program naturally will progress to mobile infantry such as the highly lethal Glitter Boy powered armor:

And so on. I would say people have too much free time...but clearly more people are drinking and using powerful, powerful drugs. Where did this shit begin? I blame Dr. Evil.

Thank you Mike Myers. Who among us can forget the dumbassery of the late 90s when everyone droned on and on about sharks-with-frickin-laserbeams...like it was our own joke and the funniest crap anyone has ever heard. Feh. I name this douchery as the pioneer of said movement. Now, look where we are in the decade hence. The fuckers from South Park put a killer whale on the moon...insert your "pwned" or "fail" caption as you will.

Most offensive(and baffling) are the fuckers from Lego that give us this evidence of extreme intoxication:

That's some awful Seaquest shit right there. But wait, what the hell is on those sharks?

Frickin gamma ray lasers. Someone is/was fucked up when this little trinket got the green light. Give the cocksucker lungs and legs as well, masochist. Not to be outdone, the cautionary signage industry has to get in on the action as well. Some high bastard took the time to come up with this somewhat official looking piece of shit:

And so here we are. As reasonable beings, we can conclude:

1. The world is in fact full of functional drunks that are computer-savvy.

2. Sharks seem to be on the minds of nearly all the populace...which makes even less sense when you live in Nebraska, for example.

3. The Austin Powers series was at least one movie too many.

4. The Absinthe-swilling Euros that work at the Lego mill are clearly the world's biggest Dr. Evil fans.

However, one might ask if this bastard movement of amalgams has run its course...does the drinking/technically competent community have something else in store?

Son of a bitch.


UPDATE: Mother of God, they're learning quickly. Siegecraft!

http://www.wwtdd.com/2009/08/oh-we-are-so-screwed/

Macro Brews Increase Prices

Shock! Get ready to shell out an extra 25 cents per six pack.

Great Drunks of the Silver Screen 9.0

Presenting the iconic Richard Harris:

We praise the man and mourn the loss of another raging alcoholic from the UK. This Irish actor is commonly considered to be one of the true hellraising paragons during the latter half of the 20th century. Though he was reported to drink only with Hitler during his latter(Hodgkins Disease) years, we here can certainly recognize the decades of gin-soaked debauchery that he boldly had undertaken. This guy rocked.

Strengths: Irish, wide range as an actor, smartass in real life

Weaknesses: Irish, took a check for Harry Potter, outlived his organs

Mr. Harris's acting resume is well-known...what is generally not-known is that he was also a singer and spoken word artist. Harris got a later start than his drunken contemporaries of the day, first appearing in 1958 films and then feverishly making up for it during the sixties. His casting in Camelot was a headscratcher at first, but he parlayed that success into highly commercial film-making that gave low budget works like Orca some serious gravitas. I remember once as a kid being wonderstruck at A Man Called Horse and had no idea until much later that Harris was often so hammered that he couldn't be forced out of bed. His award winning career is one that today's shitass actors couldn't hope to match even if they were sober.

One of the most humorous and cliche' gutter remarks is attributed to Harris, when found by a Bobby in a storm ditch. "The world is spinning and I am waiting for my house to go by."

How fucking epic is that?

Ineibriated Drunkerds

Alright listen up! You have been assigned to this unit for one thing and one thing only: Killing Nazis! Wait. Actually no, this isn’t an army unit at all. But we’re drunkerds and damn fine ones to boot. We’re in the drinkin’ business and business is good. You are hereby ordered to consume as much booze as possible – beer, liquor and wine – by any means necessary, day and night, week night or weekend, with or without companions. I want you to have running tabs at multiple bars. I want you to initiate pub crawls, with strangers if necessary. I want you to stay out late, drain your wallet, then cadge drinks from the unsuspecting. Then I want you to start fresh and do it all over the next day, as soon as you come to and find your bearings, hopefully without having to post bail. Got it? Good! Now go out there and consume that delicious, sweet alcohol that we all love so damn much. What? Don’t feel like it today? We do not have room for dandy-locks! If somebody wants to drink with Hitler (#13) that is simply unacceptable! Now get out there and start drinkin’!

More To Come

A fine sample of the imminent bourbon season, well done LVL. They should call it Goodford Reserve.

Quick Shots!

The Tin Roof is making progress. I snapped these photos using my cell phone during lunch.

Just the other day there was a banner with their name but I guess they took it down during construction/demolition. From what I saw it looks like they’re gutting that mofo. On the front you can see the new “shingle” panels – no word on the actual roof yet.

I think I read somewhere that their target opening date is in September and hope they make it in time for game days. We’re long overdue for a good UT victory spot on the strip following football games, but of course we haven’t had a whole lot of victories to celebrate the past few years either.

Big Surprise Tour at World’s Fair Park is happening Friday, 8/14. Gates open at 5:30 show begins at 7:00, cost is $35. Headliners are Old Crow Medicine Show with 3-4 supporting acts so it should be a full night of music. I’m not sure what the concert name means but it couldn’t be more appropriate because I didn’t hear about this until last week. However the security guard who stopped me at the gate where this picture was taken could actually be protecting the big surprise that concert goers will witness tomorrow night. Now I’m dying to know.

And I almost forgot, the Tin Roof staff needs to be prepared to face off against the homeless ranks for one of the most coveted drinking nooks off the strip. It’s not another bar. The stairwell from their lower parking lot to the upper lots has lots of history in this regard – many bars and restaurants have come and gone on the strip, yet the bums remain.

Vino would be keen-o

Lately, I've had a bit of a thing for drinking wine on a budget. Not that I'm that much of a tight ass, but there is a certain movement during this recession to find and imbibe some cheap wine.

When I was a dumbass college fucktard (rather than the overgrown childlike fucktard I am now) I went through a wine-snob phase neatly wedged between my first tequila phase and the so-called salad years known among the group as "pharmaceutical daze". We've talked before about the archaic wine laws that have handicapped appreciation of finer vintages locally...and in my college years we would eagerly buy bottles of anything flashy or shiny when on the road. It wasn't cheap.

Of course now I've had it all wrong...I should have enjoyed less costly wine in school and develop a taste for superior shit now that I can afford it. Feh.

Anyhoo, I've been swilling two red wines in particular. The first is the cheesy icon of Macaroni Grill, their red table wine...whored up as a Chianti.

The crayon is a nice touch...as is the venerated tumbler that the joint would give you. The entire experience reeked of novice drink. I can find this 1.5 of berry goodness at my local package store for less than nine American dollars(tax included). It's light and goes down in a hurry, provided you don't let Mackey butcher the cheap plastic 'cork' with a wine tool. Some cursory research has revealed that this wine is actually produced by the Navelle Vineyards, and that a boxed version under the name Almaden is available.

The second inexpensive wine I've been hooked on is the Hungarian product, Bull's Blood.

Bull's Blood will run you about 11-12 bucks for a standard 750ml bottle. Not exactly the volume I'm looking for(compared to the Chianti anyway) but it is a noticeably superior product. Every bottle of Bull's Blood I've ever consumed looks beat to hell, as if it was still being smuggled out of the Eastern Bloc circa 1968. Sure, that's complete bullshit but it gives a certain cachet to an otherwise pedestrian wine. Typically, you can find Bull's Blood coming in a couple or three dollars cheaper than a comparable red wine.

One bonus about both these brands is that I don't have that much of a hangover the next morning...while many wines have those hated sulfites, I'm happy to say that I can guzzle these without consequence. Even Mackey doesn't seem to notice, and he spends many a day recovering from a wine induced boozing, depicted thus:

My apologies to Bach for the telling illustration but you get the point.

So if you are looking for some cheap grape flavored drank, you could do worse than these two fuckers. Now, hand me more wine...I shall require it to finish.

To sum up

Oh we drank Pac-Man

Weekend camping is painful

Oilers run fake punt

Finally After 4 Years…

Something has begun to stir the wasteland that O’Charley’s once occupied on the Strip. A couple of weeks ago I noticed the semi-permanent realty sign had been replaced by that of a construction company with a 615 area code. A friend told me that she had heard a Nashville based company was opening a new restaurant location but I forgot the name. Since that time there has been ongoing progress as they remove debris, old equipment and I’m sure a bunch of dusty, useless furnishings left to rot when O’Chuck’s split town.

I phoned my friend to get the name and after minimal searching online I found their website and it appears this rumor is about to become reality. Tin Roof (they have a Knoxville tab that says they are under construction) is set to open their newest location right smack in the middle of Cumberland Avenue in Knoxville by September – an early timeline but hopefully they can get the job done. I’ve been wishing something good would move in that location for years and for the sake of my liver I hope they don’t disappoint.

From the information on their website it looks like we’re in for another casual, live music venue that will appeal to college students and young professionals. Their menu has all the staple bar foods even though they claim not to do the usual “bar food”. I think they mean to say they do it fresh and better, we’ll see. Some of the items look good and I’m interested in trying a deep-fried hot dog just because I haven’t heard of that one before and I need to expand my culinary horizons. The “Del Sol” and “Sunny” quesadillas sound good but everything else looks pretty standard. I will give them a chance, for sure. There wasn’t a bar/drink menu but if you look at the pictures on their site there is plenty of evidence showing they know how to serve up the booze and good times. I’m fired up and look forward to their success!

Alcohol > H1N1

You gotta hand it to those Russians, they won’t let a little flu virus stop them from anything.

Russian soccer fans have been told to drink whiskey on their trip to Wales for next month's World Cup qualifier to ward off the H1N1 swine flu virus, the head of the country's supporter association (VOB) said Monday.

"We urge our fans to drink a lot of Welsh whiskey as a form of disinfection," VOB head Alexander Shprygin told Reuters. "That should cure all symptoms of the disease." (Full story here)

That’s the kind of awesome advice I like to hear. I wonder if we’ll hear anything like that as UT football season approaches. Not that it matters, that is my year-round health plan anyway.

Stone IPA

This has become my favorite bottled IPA.


Thanks to recent visits to The Hill I’ve been turned on to a belligerent cousin in the Arrogant Bastard family of brews. This IPA delivers in abundance but is balanced; aroma, flavor and alcohol are very evenly represented. The senses are rewarded from start to finish and Hop Heads won’t be disappointed. Drinking this beer is like being smacked in the face with a hops shovel. Don’t worry it doesn’t hurt, there’s a built-in pain reliever to go along with it – 6.9% alcohol.

And then this:

Damn what a pour. Shit went south shortly afterward.