Drinking Knoxville: Algonquin Round Table Mk V

5.20.2009

Algonquin Round Table Mk V

Okay, fine. I get it. Thus far my attempts at sensible and reasoned discussion have met with failure, scorn, and threats of bodily harm. I don't know what I was expecting, what with the lowbrow and indeed, somewhat criminal mindsets of my past panelists. What does yours truly have in mind to correct this mess? Not a damn thing. Let's get started with this installment:

First panelist, you are up. I present to you all Lord Percy Lambourn...soused noble and gentlemen.

LVL: Ah, Lord Lambourn I see you are with the admiral and Lady Lambourn.

Lord Lambourn: Er...ah...indeed. I really didn't expect her here today you know. She rarely takes to these events, but when she does she does. Hedge pissers and matters of "etti-quette" are more her fancy.

LVL: Her dessicated cleavage is certainly pronounced. I think I'll have some of that rum if you don't mind. Do all genteel ladies of your period have their goods out there all the time?

LL: Er...ah...yes, or rather no. Usually I am too far in my cups to notice her...er..ah...cups.

LVL: That's all rather confusing, sir. Next panelist also hails from the bygone days of Britannia: Post-Captain Jack Aubrey, MP, of HMS Surprise. Greetings Captain.

Captain Jack Aubrey: Well met sir, although I am curious why you would question me on matters of ship's rum and grog, rather than...oh, hold fast there! A Frenchman!

(fires pistol)

LVL: Sweet Jesus that was loud.

CJA: Fie, that's nothing compared to the broadside of 18-pounders on a ship-of-the-line. Now sir, can we make this quick? I'll miss my tide and then have to run like smoke and oakum. You don't mind if we run our sheets? Prime.

LL: Are you a member of Parliament sir? I don't recall seeing you, but it's a trifle. Speaking of, I once had a rum trifle...zzzzz

LVL: Gentlemen, allow me to please complete introducing the remaining panel members and then we can discuss all things.

CJA: You mean rum, don't you?

LVL: Among other things. We're not restricted to that you know...it is the 21st century at Drinking Knoxville.

LL: I've never been to the Americas.

LVL: Actually you have. You were shit-faced the entire time. Do you not remember killing every living thing in the jungle with Dr. Gilpin? You consumed a rare poison and metabolized it in seconds.
LVL: Any of this ring a bell?

LL: zzzzz

LVL: I never knew British lords slept so much. Let's add one more Englishmen to the group today folks, but one more acquainted with boozing in the modern era...ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Motorhead's Lemmy:

Lemmy: Slag off. I'm just here for the drinks. I'll answer your piss-ant questions as soon as I get a fag from the cigarette machine.

LVL: Uh, not to contradict you Lemmy, but that's actually our last panel member...the Tycho Monolith from the groundbreaking novel 2001. Far as I know, it does not vend tobacco.

CJA: By Jove, what is that damn thing?

LL: zzzzzz

LM: So you're telling me I've got to get my own smokes? Bloody Hell what kind of chickenshit operation is this?

LVL: Well, our previous Round Tables have met with utter disaster. I thought we might want to bring in someone...er...something with a grander historical and celestial perspective on the subject.

LM: The fucking thing can't talk, you wanker. It's got no mouth. How can it drink?

LVL: I was drunk when I booked this installment.

CJA: You two blokes, help me run this carronade up so I can get a good shot at that Frog.

LVL: Captain, far be it from me to object to shooting up the French, but we did ask you to speak on the importance of alcohol in maintaining morale on a proper manowar.

CJA: Fine, for you landlubbers out there the Royal Navy has a fine tradition of rationing rum to able and ordinary seamen to keep morale high and maintain a fighting crew on the high seas. When a vessel of His Majesty leaves port, he cannot do so without barrel upon barrel of rum and grog. Tens of thousands of gallons are necessary to take a frigate halfway around the world. Apart from the necessary rationing to the men, without copious amounts of alcohol a fighting ship would soon fall apart. Hells bells sir, to say nothing of the medicinal needs we face. You try sawing off shattered limbs without opium and brandy. The entire basis of free trade on the high seas so essential to western society would not be possible with--all guns fire as she bears!

CJA: Take that Boney! Now where were we?

LVL: BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I CAN'T HEAR A GODDAMN THING. PERHAPS YOU COULD SPEAK ABOUT YOUR PRIVATE STORES. I'M TOLD THE CAPTAIN AND GUNROOM MAINTAINS A FINE TABLE.

CJA: Oh, that. Indeed. No captain worth his salt would dare leave port without his port! HA HA! Port, d'ya hear? My table is always set with a brisk claret or madeira. Observe:

LVL: Shots?!

CJA: You have it sir. No common grog with my officers. You've heard the term 'groggy' after all? It will suffice to keep scurvy at bay, but tastes like shit. Not the good shit either.

LM: To think that England of today owes its prosperity to thousands of shithoused sailors and their booze.

LVL: I see you've found some smokes, Lemmy.

LM: I took 'em off that passed out bloke right there.

LVL: Lord Lambourn, wake up sir. Can you add to Captain Aubrey's account of drunken English sea-power?

LL: Er...ah...I say, I've always been interested in the sea and what's in it. But Captain Aubrey is not the only one to encounter scoundrels in defense of mother England. Why only the other day I had to set this hardened rogue in her place:

LM: Looks like the little shit had it coming.

LVL: Um, do you have anything to add Tycho Monolith?

TM: (makes creepy noises)

LVL: Okay. Well...this is confusing. I didn't really think the Tycho Monolith's role through.

CJA: If someone would nudge his Lordship awake, I would really like to ask his opinion on my new heraldic device for my MP standards. And yours, future unwashed Englishman...

LM: What's the deal with the drunken sloth?

LVL: I was going to ask about the tortoise myself...but...er...ah, I'm being told the Tycho Monolith is now the Jovian Monolith. As if this day wasn't fucking weird enough.