C'mon...We're Better Than This!

Oh man, this is awful. If you don't want to start the weekend with a negative vibe you may not want to read this. On the other hand, if you want to avoid some shitty drinks I recommend you follow my advice and stay far, far away from these drinks. This week the Metro Pulse features an article on Knoxville bartenders and 7 cocktail recipes at their respective bars. I normally applaud any effort that sheds light on alcohol consumption and mixology, especially in our own back yard, but this article misses the mark, IMHO (link below with full article and pictures).

I've taken liberty and posted the recipes here, with my own interpretation of what went wrong. Let's see:

Baker Peters Jazz Club: Baker Peters Dark Chocolate Martini
1 oz. Van Gogh Double Dutch Chocolate Vodka
1 oz. Godiva Dark Chocolate liqueur
1/2 oz. Bailey’s Irish Creme
Reddi Wip real cream in the spray can
Pour the first two ingredients over ice, shake and strain into a martini glass. Carefully tip the Bailey’s down the side of the glass—it’s heavier and will automatically sink to the bottom for a layered look. Spray a “kiss” of Reddi Wip on the top.

This is possibly the most respectable drink of the group. Way too sweet for my taste, but the flavored martini has been going strong for well over a decade. Baker Peters is an established, upscale bar that serves its clientele fancy drinks at a high margin. That's all well and good, but I'll pass on the extra-sugary martini, thanks. Grade: C+

Macleods: DK Extra Red 7-Liquor Ass-Kicker
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. triple sec
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. Southern Comfort
1/2 oz. peach schnapps
1/2 oz. tequila
Sweet and sour mix
Sprite
Grenadine
Fill a 16 oz. cup with ice, add liquors. Shoot some Sprite on top, almost to fill. Pour in grenadine for a three-count.

Okay, this one is a ripoff of the Long Island Ice Tea with some alterations. Switch the Coke for Sprite, add SoCo and peach schnapps, then the doosey - a 3 count of grenadine? WTF - that's some serious sugar. Why don't you just stay at home and mainline some Karo syrup? Macleods is a great bar that I consider an old favorite. The authors have frequented this place for many years, both downtown and now the strip. I'll stick with beer and whiskey. Grade: D+

Downtown Grill & Brewery: Joe's Brewtini Float
1 oz. Jaegermeister liqueur
3/4 oz. Baileys Irish Cream
Splash vanilla vodka
Two splashes Coke

Oh my. Jager - the name alone can make a person cringe. I've drank my fair share of this cordial, if you want to call it that, and thankfully those days are mostly behind me. Jager is one of those drinks that most people either love or hate, so it depends on what category you fall into to determine if you can stomach this drink or any other with Jager. Add in Bailey's, vanilla flavored vodka and Coke and you've got something. I don't know what, but something. Just give me the damn shot of Jager and let it be over. Grade: C-

La Rumba: La Rumba Colada
Whole fresh pineapple and pineapple corer
1 can Coco Lopez coconut cream
Pineapple juice, to taste
Pampero Rum, to taste
For garnish: cherry and paper umbrella
To make mix: Top and core pineapple, leaving the shell whole. Blend pulp (minus core) and coconut cream, thin with pineapple juice to taste. (Note: if you can’t obtain a corer, skip using the shell as a serving glass and slice the pineapple into fourths lengthwise, then use a paring knife to cut the pithy core from the pulp and the pulp from the shell.)
To mix drink: Measure about 5 ounces of ice into a 16-ounce cup, fill with mix and one shot of rum. Blend. Pour into pineapple shell. Serve with a straw; garnish with cherry and paper umbrella.

Geesh. I admit I've never been to La Rumba, and after seeing this cocktail I may never visit their establishment, not for drinks anyway. Where to begin? Okay, I don't have a prejudice against fruity, gay drinks per se, but let's not get carried away with the tropical / island / beach drinks in Knoxville. Once in a while is okay if you're on the lake or perhaps taking a sip of your date's beverage to show her that you have tastes other than straight whiskey or beer. The real problem I have with this concoction is the amount of alcohol, or lack thereof. The recipe first reads: Pampero Rum to taste, but later says one shot of rum. So you want me to core a whole pineapple, puree the damn thing, blend with a metric ton of coconut cream and pineapple juice, and all I get to add is 1 shot?! F that, I'll be going with the "to taste" portion, or more accurately, not at all. If I want a blended fruity drink I'll do like everybody else in East TN - go to the RED Lobster. Grade: F-

Sapphire: Dark and Stormy
3 lime wedges
1 oz. simple syrup
2 oz. Goslings Black Seal Rum
1 1/2 oz. Barrits Bermuda Stone Ginger Beer
In a rocks glass, muddle the lime and simple syrup. Fill with ice. Add rum, shake and top with ginger beer.

What now? Sapphire. Rum drink with ginger beer, lime and syrup. I think this is another ripoff modified to their taste. Hmmm. They pretty much suck in general so....Grade: F+

Irish Times: Irish Times Coffee
2 oz. Baileys Irish Cream
1 tsp. brown sugar
1 oz. Irish whiskey, such as Powers or Bushmills
Brewed coffee
Fresh, heavy cream
Fill a glass coffee mug 7/10 with strong brew coffee.
Add sugar, whiskey and Baileys.
Fill the rest of the cup with lightly shaken, heavy cream, pouring it over a spoon, so it floats on top and looks like a Guinness.
Stir once or twice and then let the coffee settle before serving.

Yet another variation of a classic cocktail. Originality is lacking, but I guess they make an effort to use an Irish Whiskey other than Jameson, so that counts for a little something. Right? No? Can't put anything past you guys. I mean, I prefer Bushmills too but try finding it at most bars around town and you're S.O.L., not to mention Powers. I guess adding the brown sugar is a twist, but not enough to garner any respect. Grade: D-

Wild Wing Cafe: JT's Name Your Own Flirtini
If someone—particularly a female someone—saunters up to the bar at Wild Wing Cafe and wants a drink recommendation, Jonathan “JT” Thomas knows just what to do. “I’ll ask for a color, do you want it sweet? Tropical? Then I throw something together and let her name it,” he says. “I’m a great lady drink maker.”

Thomas is as likely as not to start with a base of 1 ounce Bacardi Razz (flavored with fresh raspberries) and 1 ounce Bacardi O (orange flavor, not color). “I add to that maybe an ounce of peach schnapps, or any flavor that you want,” he says. “I just shake it—turn it over in my tin—and pour it on the rocks with maybe a splash of pineapple juice, some Sprite. Maybe grenadine or a little blue caracoa, which is flavored orange, or triple sec, to make it pretty.”

Last and certainly least is this one. So, JT, looks like you've got yourself a winner there. A "can't lose" recipe - no exact ingredients, no exact measurements, add some various fruits, syrup, colored cordials, shake, spin, pour, and panties drop. Way to insult your female patrons, sir. 'Here you go doll-face, its all pretty and pink for you, and you named it Princess' Pony Punch, how cute. Here's my number'.

Whatthefuckever. Ladies, is this what you want from your bartender? I'll have to check with Scarlett O'Harlot on this one. I've never been to Wild Wing Cafe and have been meaning to check it out for a while, but just haven't made it yet. Do they have a slutty barmaid to counter-balance douchery? We'll see. I wish I knew an alien alphabet that was somehow compatible with our language in order to measure the lowliness of this "flirtini". Moltar, where are you when I need you most? Grade: ZZ--

http://www.metropulse.com/news/2008/aug/20/hot-bar-home-bar/