5 Day Weekend

Man this is awesome. Slept in today for the first time in a loooong time and I feel better already. I had some vacation time accumulated that I needed to use so I thought why not make it an extended holiday weekend. Not that I have a single plan to do anything special, but I do plan on watching a shitload of college football and the U.S. Open on my kick-ass TV. And drinking. Of course drinking! I just hope my keg holds up through the weekend, we'll see. I may have to add a bottle of fine bourbon (or more) for the occasion.

So I noticed the SEC will be featured heavily on TV all weekend. I think we have South Carolina and Vanderbilt playing tonight, none on Friday, the regular Saturday lineup, then Kentucky on Sunday and the Vols play prime time Monday night. Awesome!

Amongst all the sport viewing on the telly there are some social circles I plan to visit. A friend of the authors (and longtime bartender at a favorite spot) is moving out of town with his pregnant girlfriend and I plan to attend their sendoff party on Friday night. Plus another close friend just had a new baby this week and they are having people over to visit throughout the weekend so I want to drop by there at some point. What's with all the baby mess?

Not to forget Boomsday, everybody and their aunt loves some Boomsday fireworks!! I won't be attending the street party but may take in the fireworks display if I'm upright and sober enough. Should be a great 5 days of fun if I don't kill my liver or get sensory overload with all the sports. Shit, I almost forgot - I'm supposed to check out the Sunsphere Skybox, or whatever the hell they call it. Damn, I've got to get busy. We'll see if I can recall any of it next week...

Lake Haiku

Typically Labor Day weekend begins a crucible for yours truly. Signifies the end of the summer boating season and heralds the coming juggernaut of football season. In addition, I begin my birthday gauntlet...which gets depraved like ancient Roman times.

So, as one final tribute to the water I resurrect this old number:

On the lake by noon,

Smell of whiskey in the air,

Vomiting by four

You took too much, too much

Thank you Dr. Gonzo, I'll take it from here.

This is what is currently pissing me off: The proliferation of flavored Stolis at the bar...Hell, at ANY bar these days.

Okay Ivan, enough is enough. Since you red bastards are dead set on starting a new cold war(how did the last one work out for you destitute fucks?) let me send some words back your way across the Fulda Gap. I realize that vodka has long been your backwards nation's one contribution to this world but if I might invoke some symbolism from Catherine, this shit is more than we can chew. Or drink.

Yeah, Stoli was much cooler when I was younger...I mean my junior and senior years of high school were tepid encounters with Popov and Smirnoff right after first period. Occasionally we would find ourselves knocking back Absolut or Stoli on the lake during the latter months of the year, and Stoli was the counterculture choice to the relatively chic' Absolut during those halycon days. It was a clear choice for college...until that fateful day when I realized I could quaff bourbon and whiskey with impunity.

I admit, vodka related items slipped my mind. Oh sure, I remember the debut of Skyy...or the first time I saw Belvedere and Grey Goose on the shelves at 640...the claims of filtered Svedka being almost as good. I even have vague memories of when Absolut first introduced Peppar and the much despised Citron.

Now, it is all you can fucking do at a bar to see anything other than the ubiquitous Stoli family lined from one end to the other. Jesus, is there really this much need for slightly flavored esoteric vodka? Have we completely lost our ability to make a drink in the standard way?

I'd like to line these fucking things up against a wall.

Rainy Day Catchup

Sometime back in June I posted an entry about Market Sq. and Sundown in the City. Due to some technical issues I wasn't able to include the artwork mentioned at the time. Today's rainy weather has me uninspired, so I thought now would be a good time to remedy that situation and mark it off the list.

Pay up suckers!

Crappy, macro-brew available to all...

Knoxville's only(?) street performer. This guy couldn't make it in NOLA after Katrina, give him some change...
The Scream, Edvard Munch would be proud. Notice the couple above right can't get their minds on the same idea...

Hmmmm....

Uhhhhhhh....



"I was hurt by that remark"


?????


"Dammit!! DO NOT piss on our door anymore"

More Birds
Obama Saves America - As the Anti-Christ!!

Mercenary of Market Square

Persiflage

Be it resolved that while the theory of two buck Shiner Bock pints is a good thing...the vodka tonic that followed was gratuitous and completely unnecessary. Mixed props for the weirdos at the bar that, while looking quite freaky, do have excellent musical taste. Something quizzical about unabashedly jamming to Night Ranger and The Scorpions in public. Drinking IPA in a salsa jar also made no sense, King Randall.

And a note to the Vol in the corner: Roll those Bruin sumbitches up a week from today.

C'mon...We're Better Than This!

Oh man, this is awful. If you don't want to start the weekend with a negative vibe you may not want to read this. On the other hand, if you want to avoid some shitty drinks I recommend you follow my advice and stay far, far away from these drinks. This week the Metro Pulse features an article on Knoxville bartenders and 7 cocktail recipes at their respective bars. I normally applaud any effort that sheds light on alcohol consumption and mixology, especially in our own back yard, but this article misses the mark, IMHO (link below with full article and pictures).

I've taken liberty and posted the recipes here, with my own interpretation of what went wrong. Let's see:

Baker Peters Jazz Club: Baker Peters Dark Chocolate Martini
1 oz. Van Gogh Double Dutch Chocolate Vodka
1 oz. Godiva Dark Chocolate liqueur
1/2 oz. Bailey’s Irish Creme
Reddi Wip real cream in the spray can
Pour the first two ingredients over ice, shake and strain into a martini glass. Carefully tip the Bailey’s down the side of the glass—it’s heavier and will automatically sink to the bottom for a layered look. Spray a “kiss” of Reddi Wip on the top.

This is possibly the most respectable drink of the group. Way too sweet for my taste, but the flavored martini has been going strong for well over a decade. Baker Peters is an established, upscale bar that serves its clientele fancy drinks at a high margin. That's all well and good, but I'll pass on the extra-sugary martini, thanks. Grade: C+

Macleods: DK Extra Red 7-Liquor Ass-Kicker
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. triple sec
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. Southern Comfort
1/2 oz. peach schnapps
1/2 oz. tequila
Sweet and sour mix
Sprite
Grenadine
Fill a 16 oz. cup with ice, add liquors. Shoot some Sprite on top, almost to fill. Pour in grenadine for a three-count.

Okay, this one is a ripoff of the Long Island Ice Tea with some alterations. Switch the Coke for Sprite, add SoCo and peach schnapps, then the doosey - a 3 count of grenadine? WTF - that's some serious sugar. Why don't you just stay at home and mainline some Karo syrup? Macleods is a great bar that I consider an old favorite. The authors have frequented this place for many years, both downtown and now the strip. I'll stick with beer and whiskey. Grade: D+

Downtown Grill & Brewery: Joe's Brewtini Float
1 oz. Jaegermeister liqueur
3/4 oz. Baileys Irish Cream
Splash vanilla vodka
Two splashes Coke

Oh my. Jager - the name alone can make a person cringe. I've drank my fair share of this cordial, if you want to call it that, and thankfully those days are mostly behind me. Jager is one of those drinks that most people either love or hate, so it depends on what category you fall into to determine if you can stomach this drink or any other with Jager. Add in Bailey's, vanilla flavored vodka and Coke and you've got something. I don't know what, but something. Just give me the damn shot of Jager and let it be over. Grade: C-

La Rumba: La Rumba Colada
Whole fresh pineapple and pineapple corer
1 can Coco Lopez coconut cream
Pineapple juice, to taste
Pampero Rum, to taste
For garnish: cherry and paper umbrella
To make mix: Top and core pineapple, leaving the shell whole. Blend pulp (minus core) and coconut cream, thin with pineapple juice to taste. (Note: if you can’t obtain a corer, skip using the shell as a serving glass and slice the pineapple into fourths lengthwise, then use a paring knife to cut the pithy core from the pulp and the pulp from the shell.)
To mix drink: Measure about 5 ounces of ice into a 16-ounce cup, fill with mix and one shot of rum. Blend. Pour into pineapple shell. Serve with a straw; garnish with cherry and paper umbrella.

Geesh. I admit I've never been to La Rumba, and after seeing this cocktail I may never visit their establishment, not for drinks anyway. Where to begin? Okay, I don't have a prejudice against fruity, gay drinks per se, but let's not get carried away with the tropical / island / beach drinks in Knoxville. Once in a while is okay if you're on the lake or perhaps taking a sip of your date's beverage to show her that you have tastes other than straight whiskey or beer. The real problem I have with this concoction is the amount of alcohol, or lack thereof. The recipe first reads: Pampero Rum to taste, but later says one shot of rum. So you want me to core a whole pineapple, puree the damn thing, blend with a metric ton of coconut cream and pineapple juice, and all I get to add is 1 shot?! F that, I'll be going with the "to taste" portion, or more accurately, not at all. If I want a blended fruity drink I'll do like everybody else in East TN - go to the RED Lobster. Grade: F-

Sapphire: Dark and Stormy
3 lime wedges
1 oz. simple syrup
2 oz. Goslings Black Seal Rum
1 1/2 oz. Barrits Bermuda Stone Ginger Beer
In a rocks glass, muddle the lime and simple syrup. Fill with ice. Add rum, shake and top with ginger beer.

What now? Sapphire. Rum drink with ginger beer, lime and syrup. I think this is another ripoff modified to their taste. Hmmm. They pretty much suck in general so....Grade: F+

Irish Times: Irish Times Coffee
2 oz. Baileys Irish Cream
1 tsp. brown sugar
1 oz. Irish whiskey, such as Powers or Bushmills
Brewed coffee
Fresh, heavy cream
Fill a glass coffee mug 7/10 with strong brew coffee.
Add sugar, whiskey and Baileys.
Fill the rest of the cup with lightly shaken, heavy cream, pouring it over a spoon, so it floats on top and looks like a Guinness.
Stir once or twice and then let the coffee settle before serving.

Yet another variation of a classic cocktail. Originality is lacking, but I guess they make an effort to use an Irish Whiskey other than Jameson, so that counts for a little something. Right? No? Can't put anything past you guys. I mean, I prefer Bushmills too but try finding it at most bars around town and you're S.O.L., not to mention Powers. I guess adding the brown sugar is a twist, but not enough to garner any respect. Grade: D-

Wild Wing Cafe: JT's Name Your Own Flirtini
If someone—particularly a female someone—saunters up to the bar at Wild Wing Cafe and wants a drink recommendation, Jonathan “JT” Thomas knows just what to do. “I’ll ask for a color, do you want it sweet? Tropical? Then I throw something together and let her name it,” he says. “I’m a great lady drink maker.”

Thomas is as likely as not to start with a base of 1 ounce Bacardi Razz (flavored with fresh raspberries) and 1 ounce Bacardi O (orange flavor, not color). “I add to that maybe an ounce of peach schnapps, or any flavor that you want,” he says. “I just shake it—turn it over in my tin—and pour it on the rocks with maybe a splash of pineapple juice, some Sprite. Maybe grenadine or a little blue caracoa, which is flavored orange, or triple sec, to make it pretty.”

Last and certainly least is this one. So, JT, looks like you've got yourself a winner there. A "can't lose" recipe - no exact ingredients, no exact measurements, add some various fruits, syrup, colored cordials, shake, spin, pour, and panties drop. Way to insult your female patrons, sir. 'Here you go doll-face, its all pretty and pink for you, and you named it Princess' Pony Punch, how cute. Here's my number'.

Whatthefuckever. Ladies, is this what you want from your bartender? I'll have to check with Scarlett O'Harlot on this one. I've never been to Wild Wing Cafe and have been meaning to check it out for a while, but just haven't made it yet. Do they have a slutty barmaid to counter-balance douchery? We'll see. I wish I knew an alien alphabet that was somehow compatible with our language in order to measure the lowliness of this "flirtini". Moltar, where are you when I need you most? Grade: ZZ--

http://www.metropulse.com/news/2008/aug/20/hot-bar-home-bar/

The Lost Art of the Pub Crawl

This purloined picture kicks ass, no?

Following on today's post regarding the legal drinking age and returning collegians, I began thinking about the time honored tradition of pub crawls. Generally, this could be a garden variety post that is not remarkable in the larger sense. Specifically though for Knoxville, it gets a little complex. (What a fucking surprise)

You see, back in the 1990's Knoxville and Knox County apparently didn't get the memo on urban sprawl. I'll spare you the noxious and overly technical accusations about finger annexations, zoning and the like and just say that this town isn't friendly to pub crawlers as a whole. Last Christmas, during the heyday of Whiskey Season the authors and some friends decided to resurrect this fun practice. It was okay, but failed to really achieve the goal of at least ten bars. We had a good crowd, but that sort of works against you when pubs are cloistered in regions that require either a driver, cab, or transportation other than one's feet. If you want to start way out west and work your way into downtown or the Old City, then pack a lunch and good fucking luck.

While waxing idiotic on my college days in the early/mid 90's I can remember getting close to twenty degenerate power drinkers and floozies together on the Strip and moving westward. Vintage bars like Hawkeyes, The Roman Room, Out-of-Bounds, Spicys(the very first one), The Lap, The Library, O'Chucks, Ruby Tuesdays(again, the first one before the chain sucked), Tap Room...all would be hit before ending up at OCI's. Those were the days. First, if you could stand at the bar you would get served...none of this pussified carding shit the law has now screwed us with(eat shit teenagers) and you could walk to each of them. These days, Knoxville is set up with little cliques and fiefdoms in sections of town that rarely interact with one another. It's provincial.

This really isn't a problem in other places, so I confess a bit of jealousy there. The good people at http://www.yourpubcrawl.com/ for example, can set you up with a nominal drinking tour of Edinburgh.

Not bad. I am sure other resources similar to this one are out there. Personally though, I just think that these things are best done by word of mouth, so motivation and a powerful sense of guile are needed. Grab a group of thirsty bastards and descend on several local bars like a MIRV:

If you do it correctly, you should leave the various bars in a similar state...that is to say, radioactive and utterly uninhabitable.

As football season nears along with the Whiskey Season, I encourage each of you to reclaim your honor by hitting every bar you can within one courageous night.

Welcome Back UT Students

After a long summer break UT students made their way back to class today. I'm sure they're looking forward to new instructors, hitting the books, and studying late in Hodges. Bullshit. We all know what they really want - BOOZE!! At least you'd think so. I saw a story on the news (link below) the other day that shattered my faith in today's youth. There is a national movement to lower the drinkin' age to 18, but not every college student is in favor of it. Those pussies who oppose the movement are the same ones who mess up the grading curve in class, spend their spring/fall breaks volunteering at a relief effort, and go on to become lame professionals such as CPAs, cops and tax collectors.

I'm sure this effort to lower the legal drinking age by college administrators is only to reduce the liability of underage drinking on campus, but I support their cause even if it is not entirely in the spirit of allowing our 18 year old adults the right to drink alcohol responsibly on their own merits. Leave it to those libs from Vermont to do something I agree with for once, oh well.

The first link is to the local story and the following link is to the actual organization behind the movement.

http://www.wate.com/global/story.asp?s=8867008

http://www.amethystinitiative.org/

New Holiday

...or at least one that should be. Go over to http://www.repealday.org/ and give some attention to this movement. I heartily endorse the efforts to celebrate the death of the 18th Amendment, one of the more odious and utterly dipshitted actions in American history.

Note to the neo-temperance movement: Prohibition never works.

Great Drunks of the Silver Screen 3.0

I give you Long Duk Dong.

Ah yes, John Hughes. During the utterly awesome, but completely saccharine teen angst/party films the 1980s this particular man did more for the typical surburban white youth than nearly any other director and producer. One of the more hilarious and borderline offensive characters is the sublime Donger.

Superpowers: Social climber, pretanatural drinker, attracting Amazons

Weaknesses: automobiles, the letters L and R, attracting Amazons

Long Duk Dong descends on a fictional Illinois town as an exchange student and within a hazy weekend offends his host family, destroys a car(while enhancing stereotypes), and mates with a giantess. Sounds like college.

This is an obscure choice, but his cultural staying power cannot be denied. While growing up in the Reagan years, teens looked to Hollywood to enable their underage boozing and this film was among that ilk. Sometimes I enjoy thinking that Dong went back to the orient, set up an opium den and whorehouse, and now runs a multinational conglomerate marketing sexually explicit material catering to big uns and chubby chasers.

Pool Pong

As with any competitive sport, the only way to improve one's Beer Pong skills is to practice. And, as Mackey pointed out recently, players now have the option of practicing via Nintendo Wii, although I agree with him that, even though Virtual Beer Pong may be an option, that doesn't mean it's worth two shits. (I'm paraphrasing.)

However, even if you are using the Wii version of Beer Pong to "train," there comes a time when you must put down the (fucking) video game and play some (motherfucking) Beer Pong. And for that, you need a table.

Or do you?

Introducing: The Portopong.

Okay, so it's not exactly "regulation size," and the hanging-it-from-a-tent suggestion looks rather lame (when you could just as easily bring a folding table), but for an afternoon at the pool or lake, this looks like the way to go!

Opprobrium

Ahh...so how did you all wind down your weekend, or even just late Sunday evening? Perhaps sipping a zinfandel or braiding hair?

Heh heh heh

Southern Graces Skybox

UPDATE

According to my top-secret, inside source "Southern Graces Skybox" is the official name of the new bar in the Sunsphere. They plan to open their doors to the public in less than two weeks, so that should give us plenty of time to visit by football season. By visit I mean get drunk there.

The upscale bar area will face west toward UT campus/Ft. Sanders (see picture), have room for about 50-60 guests, and will have special gameday tailgating packages, etc. with TVs in case you don't have tickets to the game.

This is going to be awesome. Totally Awesome!!

The Lame Game

There are few things as sorry on this miserable ball of mud as the drunkard who falters along the path. Last night, the authors ran across an old friend in town for a wedding. While we were cavorting with the groom, it became evident that after years of drinking sloth he is a pale shadow of the once potent alkie that I once admired.

When he reads this in a few days, presumably back home on the left coast, I hope he is shamed. (Only eight or so drinks a month? You pansy!)We helped raise this fellow during his underage years through his twenties with great care and interest. Was it his own marriage that caused him to scale back his drinking? Nope, she's cool. Religious nutbag? Nope, he is as irreverent as ever...this is a case of laziness and lack of effort.

Well, we're going to remedy this atrocity. Fucker best put his drinking clothes on for the weekend, 'cause the shit is going to hit the fan.

Update: Pukey McPuke...heh heh...see what slowing down does for you? How did you get back to the room, sir?

Hooray – The Sunsphere has Booze!!

Or at least it will soon. Rumored ever since reopening the observation deck last year, the Sunsphere will soon open a public bar, hopefully in time for football season. I have been patiently awaiting this news for some time. A couple of days ago I bumped into a bartender friend who shared the good news. News made even better by that fact that he has been hired to work there! Man it feels good to know people with connections. He said all the inspections are complete, permits obtained, and hiring of staff is in progress.

The official word from City of Knoxville Beer Board:

SOUTHERN GRACES CATERING & EVENTS LLC , APPLICANT
SOUTHERN GRACES CATERING & EVENTS (CATERING)
810 CLINCH AVENUE
SOUTHERN GRACES CATERING & EVENTS, LLC , OWNER
ROBERT A. SUKENIK , MANAGER
TEMPORARY
Officer Donny Huskey, KPD Inspections, reported no applicable record on the applicant. Doti Martin, Revenue Office, reported that the file was complete.
Councilmember Pelot made a motion to approve the beer permit. Councilmember Roddy seconded the motion. By unanimous voice vote the motion carried. The beer permit was granted.

So there you have it. Now all we have to do is wait for them to open their doors so we can ascend via the slow-ass elevator for some uptown drinkin’. A word of warning – this ain’t gonna be no cheap watering hole. As you can imagine there are space and logistic limitations, not to mention the notion of upholding an image of prestige and decorum. This bar will cater to high-end business types, convention visitors, and snooty well-to-dos. Expect pricey bottled beer (no drafts), fine wines, a selection of top shelf booze and probably some fancy cocktails on their drink menu. I haven’t heard anything about their food menu, nor do I care to. I have no idea what it will be called or if it will operate under their catering operation, Southern Graces. I hope they call it something different, something cool. Sunsphere Saloon? P-card Pub? (doubtful) Downtown Drinkup? Okay, those really suck balls. Got a good name suggestion? Post it in a comment and we’ll see if anybody comes up with something good. Go ahead, don’t be bashful…

Just In Case You Need to Practice

I love technology. JV Games has created a "beer pong" (Beirut) video game compatible with Wii gaming systems. I noticed this story a while back and disregarded it since I don't have a Wii and haven't played a video game in over 5 years. I appreciate their tacit endorsement of a common drinking game, but I'm curious who is going to be playing this version of the game and why.


Is it conceivable to play the game and drink as you go? I guess so. Seems to take the fun out of setting up the table, pouring the drinks, chasing errant ping pong balls across the room, etc. I suppose you can still have your friends over to drink and talk a bunch of yang. Maybe I'm not "hip" or "with it", or just too old to appreciate the modern twist. Has anyone seen or played this Wii pong? Is it anything like the live puppet shows that take place on that black box in my living room?

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/AheadoftheCurve/story?id=5333140&page=1

Absent with Absinthe

Ah yes...The Green Fairy, mysterious and enigmatic in its very appearance to be only surpassed by the intrique and half-baked bullshit that comes with it. I will assume that the reader has a basic understanding of the history of this...thing...so I will only give cursory background here. We all have heard of the Parisian and Bohemian culture of the late 19th and early 20th centuries virtually inhaling this shit to expand the consciousness, extend life, and offer artistic insight. The eccentric Van Gogh, sinister Alistair Crowley, and the effete yet genius Oscar Wilde were all reported to imbibe a metric fuck ton from time to time. (that time being from 12:00AM to 11:59PM) Tres chic.

As with most booze, absinthe was a favorite target of the so-called temperance movement and was consigned with regular beer, wine, and liquor to relative obscurity during the 1900's. Such a campaign was made easier in the States, far from the original Swiss and French regions whence it came. It was maligned so much during this period that calumny still dogs it to this day. Wormwood and thujone conjured up images of insanity, and the high alcohol content was sufficient to keep the uptight religious folks on its green ass.

Here's the modern view: This stuff is fine for novelty drinking, but tastes pretty rough. There is a procedure to drinking absinthe, illustrated thus:

Some years ago, we ordered some absinthe from Alsace and had it shipped over...under the impression that the vileness found here was the product of American booze laws and thus not worth the effort. We opted to order from France, given that most of the other suppliers were from the Eastern European states and God only knows what foulness resides in that product(see: Slivovitz). Usually included is a snazzy spoon, by which water is poured over sugar into the glass. What results is a chalky green solution that will test your stamina and resolve. No hallucinations, although the high alcoholic content will fuck you up...big time. In fact, what we noticed the most was not a 'high' but a really wicked drunk that belies the lethargy that comes with such an undignified state.

In short, we can only endorse this product for novelty consumption. It's too much of a pain otherwise. The really cool thing about absinthe is the art that it has 'inspired' over the years...a tribute to its origins, and an example of the lamentable influence of temperance bastards the world over that have moderated such esoteric libations.

I mean, look at the absurdity of a cat drinking this stuff. Can't make that up on a straight and sober mind. Feh.

40 Cent in Knoxville

Knoxville is a sensible town. We're modest. Our city usually makes those "10 Best Cities to Live" surveys due to our low average cost of living, high quality of life (despite air pollution), recreation, parks, etc. We narrowly avoided the abominable housing/mortgage crunch that scarred most of the country and sent the national economy reeling. That is just how we are.

So, while walking home from the pub last evening I was not at all surprised to be approached by a panhandler asking for a tidy "40 cent". Walking toward each other on the same side of the street the brief encounter went something like:

40 Cent: Yo, man, how's it going?
Me: Good man, good.
40 C: Hey you got 40 cent?
Me: No man, not a dime, sorry.

We both kept walking in opposite directions.

See, its that modest approach that keeps Knoxville firmly grounded about a decade behind the rest of the country. No need to be excessive. Why ask for more than you need? I'm sure "40" only needed .40c to add to his coffers. Surely it had nothing to do with former street thug/drug dealer turned mega-superstar rapper, 50 Cent. (Take a modern, well chronicled success story, knock 20% off and replicate.) So what if it did? I appreciate that 40 Cent realizes he is in a smaller market than St. Louis and doesn't ask too much from its citizens. That's just smart business - if business means panhandling. Plus he didn't even pull a Gat or get up in my grill all angry and shit.

So keep your eyes out for this guy, he could be Knoxville's next celebrity if he makes it off the street. And if he raps. Black male, late 30's, last seen wearing jeans, a Swiss flag t-shirt, and carrying a Hefty flex-trash bag. I know I'll be listening to WUTK's Edutainment Hip-Hop hour on 90.3 waiting for his latest bomb to drop. Fo' riz-eel!

Museum of the American Cocktail

Hey everybody - ever get behind schedule at work? Or how 'bout those chores at home like cleaning the garage or simply taking out the trash? Yeah, us too. Sometimes there is a legitimate excuse, most of the time it's pure laziness. We here at Drinking Knoxville are no different. We are very lazy. Add that to the fact we're drunk most of the time too and it's easy to fall behind on things. I'm not going to bullshit you - I've got nothing to say here. That is why I've provided a link to the Museum of the American Cocktail.

Granted this has nothing to do with Knoxville, but if you're going to New Orleans (one of my favorite drinking towns) or New York it might be worth the $10 admission to check it out. I'm particularly impressed with the tabletop still in the Exhibit section. Check it out here.

Olympic Drinking

Fucking China. I was debating on maybe trying to capitalize on the ubiquitous and nauseating amounts of coverage NBC and their whores will hoist upon us beginning...well today actually. To be honest, I am not sure if I should punish my liver for the sins of the orient.

I'm on record as stating this Olympics will have some sort of calamity written all over it.(No I am not referring to the shit paper ripped from a teletubbies episode) Many blogs that I read are of the same opinion, although you wouldn't know much of it from the so-called regular media. These asshats can't grovel fast enough to the Chicoms, while giving lip service to freedom of the press yada yada yada. Being born on the day of the Munich Massacre, I claim clairvoyance on this esoteric and narrow project. There have been the standard reports of pollution, violence at checkpoints, and general commie fuckery. I'm still pulling for some exotic disaster, perhaps a dragon war or the appearance of Zombie Genghis Khan, you know...a real fuckup of Jovian proportion.

Anyhoo. I thought I might try and enlist the group into some of sort of drinking game for the Olympics. Not the faggotry that some locals think of as drinking games, this is strict power boozing and low-key jackassery. Perhaps a beer or shot for every gold medal the USA brings back( I believe that was around 36 or so for the 2004 Summer Games) at the conclusion of ceremonies. Then again, my heart really isn't into it...and to be honest, I'll probably drink that much anyway. So, to close this pointless entry, I've included an image of mostly humorous drunken acts that might be construed as athletic competition. Well, at the Delta Tau Chi house.

Drinking Nostalgic

You know what I haven't done in a really long time? Power Hour. In fact, it's been too damn long. I'm bringing Power Hour (and also, sexy) back.

I'm predicting that Lord von Lord just rolled his eyes.

If you've never done a Power Hour before (meaning, if you never went to college), then you've missed out on an efficient and somewhat organized method for getting drunk. It's binge-drinking, but on a schedule.

For the unenlightened: Power Hour is a drinking game (and I'm using the term "game" loosely), in which the participants take a shot of beer every minute, for a solid hour. Yes, that's 60 shots of beer in 60 minutes, and if you do it right (1.5-oz. shots), you'll get through roughly 7.5 beers. (Or, if you're a lightweight like me, you can do half shots, and you'll get through almost 4. Which is still respectable, but only if you're a girl.)

As for keeping track of the minutes, you have two options. One, you can keep an eye on a digital clock, and take a drink every time it changes. This tends to be somewhat tedious, and is usually an exercise in futility after the first 20 or so shots. Two (and this is the preferred method), you can obtain one of those Power Hour Remixes, which is basically a playlist (or CD) of 60 songs, with each song playing for exactly 60 seconds before changing to the next. The participants just take a shot every time a new song starts! (Ingenious.)

Now, I have heard of folks playing Power Hour with liquor before, but I wouldn't recommend it. The idea of Power Hour is to get shitfaced, not dead. (Of course, you could always take a shot of liquor every ten minutes for an hour, but that's still a lot of booze for yours truly. The other contributors to this blog would call that "Lunch Hour.")

I've also heard of the Power Fifteen, in which you take a shot of wine every minute, for 15 minutes. Seriously though, people. Who the hell shoots wine?

I'll stick to the beer, thank you very much.

And with that, I'm off to find a good 60-minute remix. It's Power Hour time!

Let it Begin

Okay folks, here we go: televised preseason football! I know we already had the lame Hall of Fame game last week, but tonight at 8:00 pm ESPN will air their first game of the NFL preseason featuring the New Orleans Saints vs. the Arizona Cardinals in Phoenix. Yours truly will have delicious IPA in one hand and the remote in the other. Most of you will assume that I am excited because any football is on TV and the start of the regular season is about a month away, which is true. But I’m more excited about the fact my team the ARIZONA CARDINALS are on TV. You heard right: Arizona Cardinals. “The Bird”.

Not the home state Tennessee Titans, Not the regional Atlanta Falcons or Cincinnati Bengals, Not even national darlings like the Cowboys, Patriots or heaven forbid the Packers (now Jets). You see, supporting your “home” team or a powerhouse franchise is the easy way out. Any fool can jump on the local bandwagon or flock to dynasty teams and get away with being a fan. It takes BALLS to pick the worst franchise in sports history and claim them as your team as I did 1 year ago. So far it has gone according to plan: no expectations = no disappointments. The Bird went 8-8 last season, a respectable record for a shitty team, and should have had at least 2 more wins (Redskins, Seahawks). That would have gotten them in the playoffs but alas, woulda coulda shoulda.

On to tonight’s checklist:

• Plenty of beer (IPA)
• Backup booze (vodka, vino)
• Huge-ass HDTV and remote control
• Measty couch for my lazy ass

Check, check, check and check. Yep I’m ready.

Great Drunks of the Silver Screen 2.1

Name: Barry Badrinath

Film: Beerfest

This is purely a fictional drunk, but his character tells a beautiful story of redemption via alcohol. We first encounter Badrinath and find him at his lowest: male prostitute working for mere pocket change. An invitation to join the Wolfhouse drinking team reveals a complete loss of skills due to sobriety. There is only one solution to his problem: drinking. I think most of us can relate to Barry when he discovers that "I'm better when I'm drunk". With his drinking/gaming skills restored we see a man reborn, a man with new purpose in life - to out-drink the Germans. One of my favorite parts of the movie is when the team is training by playing a game of Asshole and Badrinath is FUBARed.

The ensuing scene of him seducing Monique is comic gold. Barry and the rest of the boys continue to drink their way into shape: they train by drinking ram piss, they form a party brigade, they drink daily, they brew their own beer. Eventually they make it to Beerfest where they triumph over the Germans and all ends well. Badrinath is the catalyst that pushes the team to victory - all because he turns his back on the evil notion of sobriety and chooses alcohol to overcome his demons. Thank you Broken Lizard, lesson learned.

I'm Back.

I would love to explain my absence by saying that I've been busy plaundering and pillaging like a good despot should. However, it's been the product of forgotten passwords and laziness. That out of the way, here are some observations of events that occured in my absence:

1. Phillip Fulmer versus insane Alabama boosters/lawyers is college football's version of the Hundred Year's War.
2. Nadal-Federer at Wimbledon was tennis the way it ought to be.
3. Good to see it only took the FBI, et al 7 years to figure out that a guyworking for our government was behind the antrax attacks. Your tax dollars at work.
4. Funny how oil prices dropped as soon as both presidential candidates started talking about offshore drilling in the Gulf.
5. If the Green Bay Packers want to pay me $20 million dollars not to play quarterback for them, I'll gladly accept it.

Missing In Action

Be very very quiet

No, we are not hunting anything in the woods, but we are searching for that next bar to put on our list of at least one drink worthy, and hopefully more. I hope this turns in to many posts, with lots of comments. It will address what we want in a bar, from décor to service, from drinks to regulars, but first we will start with how to approach a new bar. This will not be a handbook of rules but a compilation of opinions by us and you.

We need to refine some bar searching skills to determine quickly if the bar is suitable, so we don’t waste too much time in an inferior bar, because bar drinking time is very valuable. First is appearance; this isn’t the same for everyone but is still important to be able to recognize your type of bar before even parking your car. If I see two Bud neons in the window and a set of longhorns over the door I will probably cross that one off my list. But it doesn’t mean that place doesn’t suit some, just not me. Let’s see some comments on this to determine what would deter, or propel you to visit from just appearance. Because we are here to help all get a quality buzz.

Second is patrons; how many and what kind. This can be first evaluated from outside also, the question is; is empty better than packed, or a nice moderately filled parking lot with mostly famine cars (hey everybody has their ideal situation). For me a parking lot with mostly beamers and jags wont do, I want to see moderately priced vehicles with some dings and scratches from drunkenly backing out of the spots (I will just park next door). Well that’s enough for this entry, but there will be more to come, next time we may actually go in the bar and see if it’s worth a second drink or even a first.

Bar Review: The Pint House

When most people think of bars on Merchant's Drive, they think of typical and garden variety franchised eateries that maintain a 'lounge' so that folks can drink some crappy beers and weak drinks while awaiting chicken wings, chicken tenders, or the omnipresent chicken breast. Feh. Worse, the lowbrow degenerates that make up surrounding counties deluge the place with their corpulent asses and fool themselves into thinking they are 'at the bar.'

Sweet Jesus, sometimes I don't know why some people even get out of bed in the morning. It's this kind of woolly thinking that holds the human race back two decades. Drunkards as a type grow and evolve, and while it might have been quite fine to knock back some beers at TG O'Crapplebees when there was no other option, it is now quite gauche. Hell, I might even laugh at you...provided I entered those cesspools to begin with.

This is the kind of stereotype with which places like The Pint House have to contend. Located on the west end of Merchants Drive, this joint is tucked into a little shopping center. Touting itself as a beer and wine bar, one thing you will first off notice is that there is no wine. I'm told that this is a work in progress...and I did notice that the bar wells were labeled in anticipation of liquor as well. However, at the time of this entry, it's entirely beer. To be fair, it is a fine selection of beer-they claim around fifty brands available- and most are available on tap. Newcastle, Cottonwood, Carlsberg are represented...as are the usual staples. Hard to beat those cheap Yuenglings, and their happy hour runs daily from 4-7.

The Pint House also bucks the trend of risk conscious bars by serving pitchers...although it can get pricey with the higher end beers, it is a refreshing decision by management to allow patrons to decide for themselves what is an appropriate amount to order.

The bar is itself is a mix of modern video and audio equipment along with a practical and workmanlike decor. Functional if basic tables and barstools sit on concrete floors...but a nice feature is the long row of barstools and other seating near the pool table in the back. In short, if you are there chances are you can find a place to kick back and chug. Although it wasn't occupied during this particular visit, I am told there is a patio out back which should further appeal to the modern drinker. As reported earlier, The Pint House is located in a small marketplace, so parking is a bitch, I won't kid you.

To sum up, if this bar can get their wine and liquor shit sorted out with the draconian state it should be quite successful. I personally enjoy it if for no other reason than it bucks the current state of faux-drinking on Merchants Drive.

Back from the dead? No Schlitz?

Okay, okay, I get it. Bad joke. Anyhoo...rumors over the last year or so have trumpeted the return of the original Schlitz formula. Not the once humorous malt-likka-bulls but plain, old fashioned beer. This relic of American brewing effectively died out in the 1970's so the authors really have no clue what to expect once it makes more than a regional impact(as of today's post, the new/old Schlitz is only being sold in select cities) but along with the long dormant and now resurgent, beloved Lowenbrau, I do plan on trying it for shits and giggles. Hopefully Pabst's designs on bringing Schlitz back to the modern drinker will not disappoint.

Given the disgraceful state of American beermaking...what with traditional powers being sold to overseas interests, it is fine to see some patriotism returning to the macrobrew game. Apparently the recent incarnation of Schlitz was the result of interviewing old brewers and employees of the original brewery, although this writer is firmly convinced it also involved bribes, animal husbandry, and sorcery.

By the way, the model in the advert there looks somewhat like Scarlett...provided that the reader buys into the evident farce that she is pouring beer, rather than guzzling it down her drinkhole.

Monday Hangover

Ah yes, another weekend in the books. I have to admit up front that I'm not as hungover as usual following a full weekend of drinking. So that possibly means I need to ramp up my alcohol intake or that I'm becoming immune to this notion of hangovers. Either way I'm not used to feeling so bright on a Monday morning.

Let's briefly take a look at the Friday predictions: from our group I'm sure we all overindulged multiple times, Scarlett did encounter some drama, King Randall is MIA, Lord von Lord talked heaps of shit, Tag angered his better half, and yours truly did visit a local bar for the first time - The Pint House. Pretty good, but those are easy predictions when you know your own group of drunks. Sports: Punkin-head Phil was certainly excited at some point about the Vols, USA did beat Russia by 21 points, Manny Ramirez did homer/Ken Griffey Jr. did not, Rafa Nadal did not win in Cincy but will become the new world #1 tennis player, and yes the NFL game did suck but in a good way. All in all I'd say not too shabby with my first installment of predictions.

Moving on to drinking. Fridays afternoons have become more and more difficult to stay sober and it really puts a hindrance on weekend drinking. Since I usually take that afternoon off work it only makes sense to have that first beer or drink with (or in place of) lunch. Typically I can pace myself or modestly have only 1 or 2 drinks and get on with some errands or something to occupy my time until proper evening drinks. But throw another drunk in the mix, let's say Tag Berauscht, and things get dicey. With a name that loosely translates to "Day Drunk" you know you're in for it. Peer pressure makes the world go 'round and also helps with that extra push when you're tempted by that 3rd or 13th drink.

So as we drink ourselves into a pleasant afternoon buzz, Tag is called away by the missis and I am summoned to drink with another liver-hater, Lord von Lord - the old 1-2 punch. We visit the Pint House. Then Puleo's, then downtown. You get the picture - I was shithoused by 9 pm. Kinda sucks to be done so early but it gives me an early start for Saturday.

Come to think of it I didn't do too much on Saturday (pauses)...



Okay, I'm drawing a complete blank, so it must have been a good day.

Sunday was unusual. Typically I'm in bed to at least noon before I crawl out and face the rotten day. This Sunday not only was I up before 8 AM, I actually followed through with plans to go hiking at House Mountain with Tag. In short it was an excellent hike - about 4.5 miles, great weather, rugged trails but not to rough, and terrific views. We visited a friend who lives nearby and had a few cold beers before heading back to Knoxville.

I decided to have bloody marys and invited some folks for the afternoon. These were made from scratch - no pre-made mixer here, just plain ole tomato juice and all the spices and fixins. They were pretty damn tasty, but I can only drink about 2 of them before it feels like I've eaten a 30 oz. ribeye. So it is important to go for flavor and make 'em spicy - horse radish is a key ingredient in addition to all the other hot spices. IPA got me through the rest of the night and man, wasn't it wonderful to see the mother-effin' NFL on television again! The sight of a shitty pre-season game lets us know the real thing is only 1 month away. (Calgon take me away!) So maybe that's why I didn't have much of a hangover this morning - healthy exercise, healthy drinks and soul-pleasing NFL football on the telly. Things are looking up for the rest of the year!

Weekend Predictions

Things that will happen this weekend:

Drinking Knoxville:

• Every author of this blog will get drunk at least twice (some of us on the same day)
• Scarlett O'Harlot will encounter some "drama" in her social life, okay no surprise there
• King Randall the Insufferable will not contribute to the blog, he already forgot his password
• Lord von Lord will talk a bunch of shit, no one will listen or care
• Tag Berauscht will piss-off his girlfriend no matter what he does, again no surprise
• Yours truly will drink at a bar I've never been to in Knoxville (it isn't easy to find one)

Sports:

• UT football coach Phil Fulmer will be "excited" about the upcoming season
• Team USA Basketball team will crush Russia in Sunday warm up
• Ken Griffey, Jr. and Manny Ramirez will homer for their new teams
• Rafa Nadal will win in Cincy and become the new world #1 tennis player
• The NFL Hall of Fame game this Sunday (Colts v. Redskins) will suck. But it is NFL football, sorta

Great Drunks of the Silver Screen 2.0

Oliver Fucking Reed:

Superpowers: Arm wrestling, rugby, transvestitism, throwing up on Steve McQueen

Known for his profligate off-screen boozing more than an on-screen cad, Oliver Reed's notoriety stems from a superhuman ability to drink to excess and stay upright. To the author's own personal glee and satisfaction, the late Mr. Reed would make everyone around him either uproariously drunk or extremely uncomfortable. Rumored to have consumed over 100 pints prior to his marriage(right on) as well as taking over sixty stitches due to being a shitfaced bastard. At the time of his passing in 1999, he still was banned from every bar in Vermont.

Mr. Reed was the bane of the talk show circuit during his heyday and besides Steve McQueen was known to party with Keith Moon as well as admiring Peter O'Toole greatly.

Look at this guy:

and this

This rake fucking rocked. I'll wager his resting place reeks of Famous Grouse.